Sunday, April 17, 2011

White Team Analysis by SickKitty

Right, bitches, I’m SickKitty and it’s that time of the year again- SOTF-TV is about to start it’s latest season, and lets be honest, who isn’t pumped? And, like every season, I’m here to bring you guys the truth about TV, or at least as much as I’m willing to share. Of course, the show hasn’t started yet, but no worries, because there’s always good news to keep flowing. Like this whole team business, for one. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am pumped about the team dynamic. I mean, most of the contestants end up in teams anyway, right? And this way, there’s more people stuck to people who they hate, and there is nothing better than watching two people who can’t stand each other being forced to work together! (That’s why MadMax and I still talk, right?)

But let’s get right now down to the nitty gritty, because we aren’t here for this small talk bullshit. No, you’re here to learn about the deets that I know, and have I got a big juicy team for you. That’s right, it’s the White Team, or as I like to call them Team Racist! Why? Because every single member of this team is a white kid from Texas! I mean, seriously producers, you didn’t think I’d catch that? You mix an inner city school with a rich white kid school, and somehow all the rich white kids end up on one team? I smell political incorrectness!

Not that I really give a shit. Hey, be as politically incorrect as you want, it’s never stopped me before, right boys?

But anyways, onto the deets about Team Racist.

The Mentor: Team Racist has been saddled with 28 year old Rose Wolfe, that fantasy writer who wrote those books where the kids on TV where, like, elves and fairies or some shit? Yeah, I dunno what’s going on in this bitch’s head, but on the upside she’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s dramatic, which might mean that she’s gonna try and wedge her team up as much as possible. I’m hoping she tries to throw as many plot twists at her little racist tribe as humanly possible, because otherwise this bitch is gonna be bor-ing.

W01- Timothy Marcus Walker, Jr. Oh god this kid even has a rich white boy NAME. I already like him. Right, this kid’s money comes from his gambling-addicted parents, so maybe he inherited his parents luck. Not that I really care though, because this kid is ugly as a fat lady in hot pink leggings and a tight t-shirt. I mean, long dark hair, pale skin, creepy fingernails, hat hair, sunglasses? I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a member of some fucking scary ass cult. Although I guess he’s good at, like, reading people or some shit, so maybe he won’t freak out his team that much? But hey, he’s a smooth talking gambler who looks like a Manson, so maybe he’ll be interesting enough to keep Team Racist spicy. Weapon- CZ 75. Not the most amusing weapon, but at least it’s useful, I guess. Team Position: The Risk Taker.

W02- Renee Carlson. Wooh-ee, looks like we gots ourselves a very lovely lady. Lucky for Miss Renee, I’m a fan of the oversized nose, and I do have a thing for blues eyes. Renee might very well make up for the atrocity that is our Freak-of-Nature. Now if only I could get her in some heels, oh! And she’s smart too, this girl just may be my dream! If you win Renee, come swing by my place, I’ll show you what you’re missing out on! (With the heels. Get your heads out of the gutter, now! ) She may not be popular among the socialites, but she’s nice to the underdogs and outcasts, and that could get her pretty far. Not to mention her leadership abilities- from the looks of it, Team Racist might have a leg up due to this girl. Not many teams have born leaders, and I sense some infighting amongst the others! Renee could go far, farther than Manson boy for sure. Weapon- Straight Razor. She’ll go far, that is, if she steals Manson boy’s weapon. Baby ain’t getting anywhere with a straight razor. Although she can keep her legs wonderfully smooth if someone got assigned soap. Team Position: Leading Lady.

W03- Kevin Fielding. Oh god a muscle man. Ugh, way to ruin my buzz from that gorgeous French girl Mr. Stocky. Come on producers, I like skinny boys! And girls! And not linebackers! This kid could stand at the door to a club for God’s sake. Oh well, maybe we can get a few shots of his triceps. I do love me some triceps. Show me anything that isn’t his face. Or his...big-boned body. Actually, just show me Renee again, I can’t deal with this boy. On the upside, muscular strength is kinda what Team Racist needs. He also has brains, but I think Renee is a better leader, because, to be frank, I wouldn’t want a bouncer leading the blind, if you know what I mean. Weapon- Night Vision Goggles (5 Hour Battery). Useful to a point, but that’s not the best battery life, and I wouldn’t want to lean on those as a crutch. Team Position: Muscle Man.

W04- Leopold Sutherland. Ohhhh, a blonde, stoner-looking hipster. Why hello there Leo. How are you doing? Oh, and he’s old money too, send him to me I want to take him home and make him my bitch! Unfortunately, he’s selfish, which could always bite him in the ass now that we’re in teams. But he’s fairly popular, so maybe it’ll all work itself out. Unless he annoys his team to the point of Timmy Manson cracking and blowing dear Leo’s face off. And now that we have leader Renee and Muscle Kevin, he doesn’t need to be physically in shape, but that does leave at least two members of white in the “kinda useless overall” category. Maybe he can put those wits of his to use, and if not that, then there’s always his looks, right? Weapon- Dildo. ...Leo, if you win, I am taking you and holding you hostage in my basement, kay? Maybe be a useless weapon, but DAMN will it be amusing to see his pretty face with that. Team Position: The Grouch.

W05- Mason Ross. Okay, now this is what I’m talking about Kevin. Someone athletic who doesn’t look like a sack of meat. Long, lean, strong- this is a lady’s dream! And by a lady, I mean me, obviously. I am all that matters. Of course, he’s not exactly my type, but Renee and Leo should keep my eyes satisfied, so no points taken from you dear Mason. Basketball is not the most useful sport to have behind your belt in a game like this, but he seems to top off the whole dynamic for Team Racist. Everyone’s athletic, smartish, so on and so forth. Looks like his mouth might get him in trouble though, so the rest of his team better keep him in check. Weapon-Beretta 93-R. Oooooh, nice. That’s a lot of power, but I think Mason can handle it. Team Position: The Talker.

Overall Analysis: Team Racist is well equipped, well balanced, and they probably already have established relationships, which, barring everyone of them hating each other, makes them perfectly safe and boring. They also, with one major exception (Remember my offer Leo), got decent weapons. I mean, it’s not the greatest draw, but they aren’t disadvantaged either. Which is why I have to add in all my snarky commentary, because frankly, White Team will get it to the finals easy and be boring as hell doing it. *Yawn*


  1. Damn girl, you want that dildo O_O

    Take pictures!

  2. Uh, no Max. No pictures for you, not after what happened LAST time.

  3. Another very good analysis here. It will be interesting to see how the White Team conducts itself in game. Thus far, it is one of the most well-rounded teams, without anyone truly useless or too many truly abysmal weapons pulls. They will certainly be worth watching.

  4. Care to clarify on "THAT TIME"? Sounded like fun! PM me or something!

  5. OMG Leopold is SO CUTE. I can't wait to see what he does with his "weapon". Hahahaha. SO far he is my DREAMIEST CHOICE. <3 <3

    Don't worry Jared, no one will take over your spot in my heart. <3

  6. I swear they only give out weapons like that to see how the fandom reacts. I mean, joke weapons are one thing, but the dildo has to be an inside joke for the producers, they must've been discussing the crazier aspects of the shipping community and someone was all "I wonder what they'd do if we put a sex toy as weapon" offhand... and thus this beautiful hilarity was born.