That's right bitches, ho's, and the socially depraved, it's time for everyone's favorite award show, The Starties! Who will take home the wonderful prize of my foot of their ass, who will go home disappointed, who will go down in history as the most wonderfully pathetic? All your answers, right here, right now! So let's go!
The Golden Ass Award for "stupidest start" goes to Ali White who, despite being warned vocally about this, still managed to forget to put on her bandana and nearly got herself blown up. Great work Ali, you almost went down in history as the Queen of the Darwin Deaths, but instead you scrape by to annoy me another week. I hope you're fucking happy.
The Raped With a Coat Hanger Prize for "most creepily disturbed start" goes to Lesbian Bench Sex! Marvia Jones date raped Nate Chauncey for reasons I don't entirely understand, nor really want too! All I know is that it wasn't very sexy, was horrendously creepy, and may have officially ruined sex for me forever.
Oh wait that's not possible. Well, you almost did it girls. Close enough.
The Backwards Ball Cap Award for "most hilariously bad at being down with the homies" goes to Todd Hudson for being whiter than Max in the middle of winter. You did good kid. Make your white-ass Texas parents proud. Dag straight yo, right up tripping in this bitch, wheezy, ya hear ho? You HEAR?
Up next is the Fire In My Heart Award for "starting a forest fire deep within me" which goes to Panya Bishara, for being the only person on the island responsible enough to know that she can prevent wildfires. You go girl. You go and you spread your message. (And also your legs, you pretty thang you.)