When Snowball started up this blog, it was obvious- to me at least- that eventually he’d have to call in the one true online expert on SotF TV. (No, I don’t mean that MarWIN guy. He lost all credibility when he sold out to the corporate whores and got put in as a mentor)
Until this season starts, I’ll be rating teams, individually and as a whole, on a scale of 0 to 5 stars for various factors. Then, when my check from the other blog clears, I’ll move my famed ROTC feature over to here, so that like the old blog, MadMax can once again carry you all to success.
So, the first team I chose is my new favourite for “easy out” this season, Team Turd! (Or, Brown Team if you’re being official-like):
Mentor: Aiko Yoshida
Brown Team’s mentor this season is some annoying, cheery punk reporter bitch, who wears more belts than a final fantasy character. No much more I can say here aside from that. She’s probably just there for eye-candy and fan-fiction shipping possibilities.
Usefulness to Team: * (1) – Seriously, how much good is a /reporter/ gonna do?
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Come on, they’re pandering to a demographic here.
Likeliness to go Crazy: ** (2) – Unless she already is.
Likeliness to get shipped: ***** (5) – I’m surprised there aren’t already like 40 fanfics out there.
BROWN 01: Nick Simmons
Grunge-looking alcoholic choir singer from Detroit. Apparently clumsy as, so I have no idea. Easy out written all over him, if Johnny from Season 7 was any indication.
Weapon: POWER DRILL *** (3)
School: Detroit Central High
Usefulness to Team: *** (3) – He’d rank higher if he could walk in a straight line
Eye-Candy Factor: -***** (MINUS 5) – Dude. No. Go take a shower.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (4) – Johnny from Season 7 all over again.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – God I hope not.
BROWN 02: April ~Elise~ Stone
Poor little rich bitch. Short, vegan hipster with a weak stomach and far too many records (Keep an eye out for the auction when she gets killed). Her brother Marcus owes me $5. No jokes. Probably going to run off with her biffles.
Weapon: Rubber Band Launching Pen ***** (5) – I want one.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Restaurant
Usefulness to Team: ** ½ (2 1/2) – She’ll probably get stepped on.
Eye-Candy Factor: ** ½ (2 ½) – Average at best. Loses points for wearing more layers than the average pass the parcel present
Likeliness to go Crazy: ***** (5) – More “oooh, pretty colors!” than “princess stabbity” with her weapon.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with Brenda Hernandez.
BROWN 03: Eloise Winterburn (What an Ice-burn of a name)
Vain bitch with an ironic interest in the “retro”. Probably a closet hipster. Scowl that could kill most animals and small children under the age of three. Also probably manipulating half of her team before she gets a rubber band in the eye and freaks.
Weapon: Sledgehammer *** (3) – If she can lift the thing without breaking a nail.
School: Detroit Central (Probably a typo, she belongs at SDCR)
Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – She’ll be too busy manipulating them
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Actually pretty hot when she’s not looking like a bulldog.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** ½ (4 ½) – Likely to freak out at her team when she finds out they’re too dumb to be manipulated.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – The new go to if you need a bitch to get beaten down in your fic. Calling it.
BROWN 04: Marion Clayton
Into “privacy”. Piano player which usually means “bitch” if Jessica/Marie/Cerise from seasons 8/9/10 were any example. Into music in general, so expect cheap plugs from her and April discussing music. Most likely on the team to die horribly.
Weapon: Nodachi * (1) – Bigger sword than Sephiroth’s.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Take-Out
Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – Will insist on carrying her sword around, making her pretty useless.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** (3) – Though she needs to eat a sammich and not dress like she’s permanently at a dinner date.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (3) – The quiet reserved types always do.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – Just not feeling it. She’s gonna get a few and then fizzle out like Joel from Season 6.
BROWN 05: Brenda Hernandez
Mexican kickboxer. Could only be more of a stereotype if she wore a sombrero and ate nachos. Betting she’s getting deported if she wins. Still probably the only competent member of the team, and probably the new face of SotF-TV H/C fics. Roman catholic, too. Got the best weapon of the version.
Weapon: NERF GUN. ***** (5) – Suh-weet.
School: Detroit Central.
Usefulness to Team: **** (4) – No hablo ingles.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** ½ (3 ½) – Muscles don’t do it for me, but there’s /probably/ a market out there.
Likeliness to go Crazy: * (1) – Seems pretty level headed, actually.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with EVERYONE.
OVERALL TEAM RATING: ** (2) – Pretty much boned.