Sunday, April 17, 2011

Brown Team Analysis by The Super Genius MadMax

When Snowball started up this blog, it was obvious- to me at least- that eventually he’d have to call in the one true online expert on SotF TV. (No, I don’t mean that MarWIN guy. He lost all credibility when he sold out to the corporate whores and got put in as a mentor)

Until this season starts, I’ll be rating teams, individually and as a whole, on a scale of 0 to 5 stars for various factors. Then, when my check from the other blog clears, I’ll move my famed ROTC feature over to here, so that like the old blog, MadMax can once again carry you all to success.

So, the first team I chose is my new favourite for “easy out” this season, Team Turd! (Or, Brown Team if you’re being official-like):

Mentor: Aiko Yoshida

Brown Team’s mentor this season is some annoying, cheery punk reporter bitch, who wears more belts than a final fantasy character. No much more I can say here aside from that. She’s probably just there for eye-candy and fan-fiction shipping possibilities.

Usefulness to Team: * (1) – Seriously, how much good is a /reporter/ gonna do?
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Come on, they’re pandering to a demographic here.
Likeliness to go Crazy: ** (2) – Unless she already is.
Likeliness to get shipped: ***** (5) – I’m surprised there aren’t already like 40 fanfics out there.

BROWN 01: Nick Simmons

Grunge-looking alcoholic choir singer from Detroit. Apparently clumsy as, so I have no idea. Easy out written all over him, if Johnny from Season 7 was any indication.

Weapon: POWER DRILL *** (3)
School: Detroit Central High

Usefulness to Team: *** (3) – He’d rank higher if he could walk in a straight line
Eye-Candy Factor: -***** (MINUS 5) – Dude. No. Go take a shower.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (4) – Johnny from Season 7 all over again.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – God I hope not.

BROWN 02: April ~Elise~ Stone

Poor little rich bitch. Short, vegan hipster with a weak stomach and far too many records (Keep an eye out for the auction when she gets killed). Her brother Marcus owes me $5. No jokes. Probably going to run off with her biffles.

Weapon: Rubber Band Launching Pen ***** (5) – I want one.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Restaurant

Usefulness to Team: ** ½ (2 1/2) – She’ll probably get stepped on.
Eye-Candy Factor: ** ½ (2 ½) – Average at best. Loses points for wearing more layers than the average pass the parcel present
Likeliness to go Crazy: ***** (5) – More “oooh, pretty colors!” than “princess stabbity” with her weapon.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with Brenda Hernandez.

BROWN 03: Eloise Winterburn (What an Ice-burn of a name)

Vain bitch with an ironic interest in the “retro”. Probably a closet hipster. Scowl that could kill most animals and small children under the age of three. Also probably manipulating half of her team before she gets a rubber band in the eye and freaks.

Weapon: Sledgehammer *** (3) – If she can lift the thing without breaking a nail.
School: Detroit Central (Probably a typo, she belongs at SDCR)

Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – She’ll be too busy manipulating them
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Actually pretty hot when she’s not looking like a bulldog.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** ½ (4 ½) – Likely to freak out at her team when she finds out they’re too dumb to be manipulated.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – The new go to if you need a bitch to get beaten down in your fic. Calling it.

BROWN 04: Marion Clayton

Into “privacy”. Piano player which usually means “bitch” if Jessica/Marie/Cerise from seasons 8/9/10 were any example. Into music in general, so expect cheap plugs from her and April discussing music. Most likely on the team to die horribly.

Weapon: Nodachi * (1) – Bigger sword than Sephiroth’s.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Take-Out

Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – Will insist on carrying her sword around, making her pretty useless.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** (3) – Though she needs to eat a sammich and not dress like she’s permanently at a dinner date.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (3) – The quiet reserved types always do.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – Just not feeling it. She’s gonna get a few and then fizzle out like Joel from Season 6.

BROWN 05: Brenda Hernandez

Mexican kickboxer. Could only be more of a stereotype if she wore a sombrero and ate nachos. Betting she’s getting deported if she wins. Still probably the only competent member of the team, and probably the new face of SotF-TV H/C fics. Roman catholic, too. Got the best weapon of the version.

Weapon: NERF GUN. ***** (5) – Suh-weet.
School: Detroit Central.

Usefulness to Team: **** (4) – No hablo ingles.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** ½ (3 ½) – Muscles don’t do it for me, but there’s /probably/ a market out there.
Likeliness to go Crazy: * (1) – Seems pretty level headed, actually.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with EVERYONE.

OVERALL TEAM RATING: ** (2) – Pretty much boned.


  1. Dude, dude, dude! There /are/ 40 fanfics of that hot chick out there! seriously dude, keep tabs on AFF and!

    Also, I'm stealing your shippabillity and eye candy rating thing, though I have to disagree on one little thing. Eloise.

    Seriously? A /2/? Did you not see that film of her sucking face with that other chick? HAWT. An extra 2 marks in my book for being Bi. Hey, what do you reckon are the odds she goes all fucking dominatrix manipulator? That'd be soooo hot!

    Oh, and just because I'm an ass, I call R34 on that Nick Simmons guy.

    How much do you hate me now? :P

  2. No more than I originally did, buddy.

    Also what film? Perv (srsly though email me it plz.)

    Eloise might just have jumped up to a 5. Snowball, lemme edit my post.

  3. Hey, did you here that?

    That was the sound of our female readership leaving... Oh wait, we don't have any XD

    Srsly pix plz gals.

    Anywhoosle-caboosle, i have sent you the link. /Technically/ it's illegal, under child porn, but thanks to SOTF, everyones moral compass is well out of whack on that, so you should be good.

    I'd use a proxy, but I use a proxy for every site. I'm just nucking futs like that :P

    Also, embrace your inner perv! You know you want to!

  4. OMGoMG! aiko is so CUTE~! she's like she dropped out of my fav anime and everthing! totally need to be shiped, but w/ who? everyone is so good!!!! alredy made list w/ all prospects and everything!!!!! go to for my discussion and list!111!!!!!!11!!1!1!11!

  5. Damn, am I the only person here who actually watches the show for the psychology? Also, kawaii, that was the most horrible list ever. You literally took every character that was released and gave reasons. Seriously?

    Then again, that might just be me, since I am one of the most serious people around in the SoTF fan community...

  6. Never fear Ajax, you've still got the lesbian readership. I think.

    Anyway, am I really the only one that noticed how uncomfortable that entire video looked? Eloise is definitely straight, calling it.
    ...not that that's going to stop anyone BDSMshipping her with Aiko, of course.

  7. Team Turd Max? Keeping it classy, I see. And, uh, gotta go with Ajax on this one, Eloise is hot. And April is adorable. You need to get your eyes checked.

    (And Ajax, where the hell is this video?)

  8. Klassy with a capital K, Kitty.

    I'm not into "adorable", either. They always act so cutesy and become easy outs. Shitty if you ask me.

    (btw I'll email you it, Kitty.)

  9. I am fairly sure that the only insightful thing to come out of the mouth (or keyboard, for the nitpickers) of MadMax is the fairly obvious contention that Brown Team is fucked. That does not really require much in the way of statistical analysis to ascertain, though, given that they have no good weapons and lack the fan appeal necessary to endure.

    Then again, they may surprise us all. Remember, teams brings the underdog effect into play even more strongly, and all it takes is a couple of lucky turns to make this group of misfits into a heavily-armed band of psychotic killers.

    Also, I would not be so quick to discount their mentor. Journalism requires a degree of observation that may prove quite useful here.

  10. Oh god Max, how could you NOT boost that girl's eye candy score up? I mean...damn. And Yellow, that's so adorable, trying to pretend as if Max gives a flying shit. The day Max says something useful is the day I become a nun.

  11. Eye candy scores are important because necrophilia is teh hawts. Isn't it, Max?

  12. "Yes Sonya, Yes it is."

    "You keep telling yourself that"

    "Tits or GTFO"

    These are all responses I could have fed you, Sonya, but I decided to engage you on a more intellectual level.

    Why do you seem to want to confuse the viewers with the players? Seriously.

    Us watching them has no effect on what they do! If they decide to get to the top by murdering people and necrophillia, then we cant do nothing about it.

    Dont shoot the messenger, jeez!

    (Also, Kawaii, that shit is /HOT/ keep it up <3)

  13. You watching the show has no effect on whether the students play or no?. Yeah, the producers and the government would fund a show no one would watch. Because all these kids are lulz cows killing each other.

  14. Sonya, what you fail to account for is the fact that the show existed before the fans did. Without SOTF-TV, how could there be fans of SOTF-TV? The show was funded before its success was known.

    Besides, don't you have more serious atrocities to worry about? More people die every hour to preventable diseases, starvation, and third world blood feuds than die every season in SOTF-TV. Why not campaign to get a small portion of the show's profits diverted to humanitarian aid? Then, the net effect on the world would actually be the saving of lives.

  15. That's right. Tell me to divert my attention away from these crimes against humanity because it's a source of entertainment for you. And even better tell me to use blood money for it.

    Clever troll. You are one.

  16. So, let me get this straight? You would prefer that SOTF-TV be eliminated before hunger, poverty, and war? That is what you are saying, correct?

  17. You'd have a point, except Yellow has a far, far better thought out one. So you kind of end up looking like another generic hater getting up on their soapbox without considering what you're talking about. And to crown it all, you call him the troll.
    That's a whole new kind of stupid.