SickKitty Bitches About Teams

Right. So after the temporary delay in your regularly scheduled "me yelling at you all for being idiots" because of a broken laptop, a very small drug induced coma, and Max being a complete and utter asshole, I'm back! And I'm here to fill your lives with my wonderful bitching! Huzzah!

Let's talk about the fake teams, shall we? Several groups of wanna be survivors have grouped together despite the fact that they should be murdering each other. Among them is the mess that is Shawn Morrison and Ben Whatshisface.

After a while of Ben being completely stupid with his weapon (an entire bag of bandannas), he figured out how to use it to his advantage, and is now lying to Shawn and saying that they're on the same team. Shawn has no reason not to believe this, despite the fact that his mentor pretty much told him not to trust Ben. In fairness though, that mentor talks in the most complicated ways. Stupid, really. If Shawn was on Jarred's team, then Ben would be dead. However, this already fragile alliance got even more fragile after Shawn murdered Jaszmine Johnson with a snake.

Actually, that reminds me! The Most Amusing Kill Thusfar Award goes to Shawn for that display! Snake death. Who woulda thought?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Basically, if Shawn doesn't figure out by morning that Ben- who now has a gun- isn't on his team, then it's because Ben finally did something smart and murdered him.

Or because Shawn is a stoner and most of his braincells are really quite dead.

Moving on!

Up next is the weird mini-team of Jhamel Thomson, Jeanette Beunindia or however you spell it, April Stone, and Brenda Hernandez.

...Oh, and also that Eloise chick, but she doesn't really count because she's not very interesting.

Man, if these four (I'm sorry, five) weren't as terrible at this game as they are, they would almost be kind of fun to watch! I mean, between the group hug, getting a wrench thrown at them, Jeanette deciding to be a player and only telling April, Brenda being a really terrible Team Mom, Eloise wandering off to die, and brilliant product placement of Cliff Bars, there's something for everyone!

Except intelligent people, who would tell you that forming a supergroup based on two separate teams is stupid, especially when one of those teams (*coughBROWNcough*) has no good weapons, while the other has a gun, a wrench, and a knife between two people. Seriously, Jeanette, Jhamel, I get that you're trying to be nice, but get your shit together and start killing before I get my shit together and change the channel.

There's also the downright bizarre team of Marcus Walker and Anna Higgins. I don't even know where to begin on that one. Just...what? I mean, seriously, what. I really want Marcus to start killing people. If he gets rid of the annoying white girl first, well then...I wouldn't be complaining. Just saying.

Other than that, these team-ups have been pretty dreadful. I mean, it's not that they aren't amusing, it's just that so far really only Karen Ruiz has figured out that teams or not, it's kill or be killed. Why hasn't any full team joined up to start killing? That's what I would do. And hey, think of it this way, you're actually saving lives! More people on your team decide to kill, the more people on your team survive. It's win win!

Seriously folks, get your game on.

Right, well, I've got to go find a way to make Max let me back into our apartment. Until then, follow me on twitter @KittyMcHugh, and stay tuned! I promise more fake awards and wonderful drinking games will abound! Cheers!

The SotF Drinking Game! (Rules by SickKitty)

Hello lovelies! Okay, for those of you following me on Twitter, you know that I've been spending most of Day 1 completely and utterly drunk. Why? Because I've been developing the super secret ultra drinking game! This year we had a lot of good rules floating around, but I've narrowed it down to the absolute BEST ways to get as hammered as possible. Ready? Let's go!

(A note. Do NOT do all of these at one time, or else your liver will start to look like mine. And that's not a good thing darlings.)

Alright. Here be the rules!

1. Take a shot everytime someone changes clothes. Into an outfit, out of an outfit, doesn't matter. If clothes are coming off, shots are going down.

2. Take a shot everytime Zach Johnson gets overshadowed by the sexy godliness that is Shawn Morrison.

3. Take a shot everytime someone makes an absolutely awful pun. Announcers, mentors, and students are all fair game for this one, as are bloggers, Twitters, commentators- ANYONE MAKING A PUN WILL RESULT IN A SHOT.

4. Take a shot everytime someone from Detroit drops an n-bomb.

5. Take three shots everytime from Silver Dragon drops an n-bomb.

IF DRINKING WITH FRIENDS:

6. Everytime Shawn Morrison appears onscreen, the last person to yell DIRTY HIPPIE must take a shot.

7. Everytime Sidney Rice appears on screen, everyone must scream a month in consecutive order. (So the first time she appears, January, the second, February). The person who says December must down 4 shots.

8. Everytime someone speaks in a language other than English, pour a shot into the communal glass.

9. Everytime someone fires a gun and misses, pour a shot into the communal glass.

10. Everytime someone says something along the lines of "I never thought this would happen to me" or "I don't want to be here" pour two shots into the communal glass.

11. Everytime Ben Grayson switches bandanna's, pour a shot into the communal glass.

12. Everyone pick a team. If the first person to die was on the team you picked, you must down the entire communal glass. (Pick well dearies, this one'll hurt.)

13. Take a shot everytime someone kills someone else. If the person has killed more than one person, take a shot for every person they killed. (So if it's their fourth kill, four shots.)

14. And FINALLY, the last person to pass out must drink the rest of whatever you're drinking. Because otherwise you're no fun.

Righto! If you're still alive in the morning, you can start all over again! Have fun, and take lots of pills for those wicked hangovers! Till next time, this is SickKitty signing out!

The Starties! [Hosted by SickKitty] (Part 2)

(Part 2) continued...

The 55 in a 54 Zone Prize for "best and blackest" heads over to Devonte Washington for quite possibly being the only reason to ever move to Detroit ever. Seriously. He's so black that if I stand next to him for too long, I'll probably get a killer tan. Haters gonna hate Devonte, but you keep doing your thing, g.

The How the Fuck Do I Work This Award goes to Jonas Jeffries for pretty much attacking the entire universe with bullets. I think one flew through my TV and broke my vase. Well, Max's vase. Well, Max's mom's prized Vase from ancient times. It wasn't like I knocked it over while drunkenly dancing or anything. Nope. It was all Jonas up in this. Honest.

The Best for the Ad Execs prize goes to Jeanette Buendia for flashing the cameras. Let's be honest, if that amazing ass isn't all over the DVD box covers, then the producers have failed us all.

AND FINALLY:

The SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH award goes to Anna Higgins. Who screamed. And did nothing else. Oh my god SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH.

Honorable mentions include the Rosaline Prize for "most forgotten love interest" toZachariah Johnson, who will never live up to the godly sexy godliness of sex that is Shawn Morrison, and the Little Jimmy is Feeling New Things Down There Award for "most awkward moment to become sexually aroused" to Bobby Goldman for getting a massive erection at the sight of Amber Lyons. No worries Bobby, those things you're feeling are a perfectly natural part of growing up.

Alrighty lovers, SickKitty is out for now. Remember to keep your pretty ears peeled for the first Season 65 Max and Kitty podcast, and until next time, keep on stripping ladies!

The Starties! [Hosted by SickKitty] (Part 1)

That's right bitches, ho's, and the socially depraved, it's time for everyone's favorite award show, The Starties! Who will take home the wonderful prize of my foot of their ass, who will go home disappointed, who will go down in history as the most wonderfully pathetic? All your answers, right here, right now! So let's go!

The Golden Ass Award for "stupidest start" goes to Ali White who, despite being warned vocally about this, still managed to forget to put on her bandana and nearly got herself blown up. Great work Ali, you almost went down in history as the Queen of the Darwin Deaths, but instead you scrape by to annoy me another week. I hope you're fucking happy.

The Raped With a Coat Hanger Prize for "most creepily disturbed start" goes to Lesbian Bench Sex! Marvia Jones date raped Nate Chauncey for reasons I don't entirely understand, nor really want too! All I know is that it wasn't very sexy, was horrendously creepy, and may have officially ruined sex for me forever.

Oh wait that's not possible. Well, you almost did it girls. Close enough.

The Backwards Ball Cap Award for "most hilariously bad at being down with the homies" goes to Todd Hudson for being whiter than Max in the middle of winter. You did good kid. Make your white-ass Texas parents proud. Dag straight yo, right up tripping in this bitch, wheezy, ya hear ho? You HEAR?

Up next is the Fire In My Heart Award for "starting a forest fire deep within me" which goes to Panya Bishara, for being the only person on the island responsible enough to know that she can prevent wildfires. You go girl. You go and you spread your message. (And also your legs, you pretty thang you.)

The Loner: Analysis by SickKitty

This just in, there's a loner lurking about! That's right, now that all the teams have been leaked, there appears to be one little speck of nothing floating around on TV completely alone.

His name is JACK LEMMON, his weapon is an S&W, he hates guns, and he has ADD. Usually I'd say being teamless would be an advantage- I mean, you're not stuck to kids you hate, there's no stupid mentor to answer too, there's nobody to have obnoxious, adorable sexual tension with- it should be easy sailing! That is, it should be easy sailing if you were someone halfway competent, which this loser really isn't. They put the ONE kid with ADD on a team all by himself, which means there's no one around to tell him to focus. Either he'll slide under the radar so much that he wins by default, or he'll be dead first, but either way I don't care. He's not even that attractive! Lame! Why even put this kid in the competition if they were just gonna screw him over? Does anyone else smell something fishy? No, because no one gives a flying fuck about this kid. Next!

Team Position...or...uh...Self...Position?: The Alone and Royally Boned.

Team 13 Analysis by SickKitty

Right, while I’m waiting for some more lovely little stragglers to get off their asses and really get this game going, I might as well continue onward with the Team Analysis’. We’re already live, so most of you have probably seen the first members of this team wake up, but let’s get better acquainted with the oddball members of Team 13, shall we?

Firstly, does anyone else find it odd that Team 13 is colorless? I mean, come on Producers, did you really run out of colors, or were you trying to be all cool and edgy, what with their mentor?

Speaking, of, let’s talk about her, shall we?

The Mentor- The Mysterious Stranger. Oh good Christ give me a break. There’s literally no info on this chick except that she’s, well, a chick, and like a million feet tall too. You know, I bet she requested her team be Team 13, because it’s all mysterious and cool and blah blah freaking blah. You aren’t interesting, I don’t know you, I don’t care. I mean, seriously, if your only characteristic is that you’re “mysterious” then why should I give a shit about you? Seriously, JARED is a mentor, and you think I care what you have to say Ms. Shadow With a Voice? Ugh, no. Let’s just get onto your pathetic team, shall we?

13A-Zachariah Johnson- Oh boy, another un-cutie. Seriously, where are all the sexy boys? I mean, not that I’m complaining about all the wonderful females, but seriously, I need more abs in my life! Come on boys, try harder! Oh well, Zachariah isn’t much in the looks department, and he has fucking Aspergers. So socially, unless he’s stuck with a bunch of his best buddies, the kid is pretty much screwed. He is a pretty major SOTF fan though, and apparently has some sort of list thing about all the mistakes people make? I’d say that this would help him, but I’ve been watching the show long enough to know that no matter how much prior knowledge you have, it won’t help you when you’ve been shot in the gut by someone bigger, stronger, faster and smarter than you. Weapon- Monkey Wrench. See what I mean? This loser’s not getting anywhere with a weapon as lame as that. I bet he’s one of the first out. Team Position- The Fanboy.

13B- Rishi Kohli- Oh god no. This kid is ug-ly. I may sound superficial but...oh wait that’s right I AM superficial. This kid has a face not even his mother can love. Or at least, I wouldn’t love it if I were his mother. Big eyebrows, chubby face, a MOLE? Uh, give me Kevin again! I didn’t know what I was in for! He plays Cricket, but that’s pretty much useless when it comes to SOTF. I mean, seriously, throwing a ball is gonna help you kill a bunch of other people? Yeah, right. He’s also the only kid who’s not white or rich on the team, so in team he’s pretty well screwed too. Better luck next ti- Oh wait that’s right you won’t get a next time cause you’re dead. My bad. Weapon- Extra Rations. Well at least he can keep himself fed. Not that he’ll need them when he’s dead by Day 2. Team Position: The Foreigner.

13C- Peter Campbell- Hmmm. Not bad Peter, not bad. I am a fan of the stoner look, and he pulls it off quite nicely, if I do say so myself. He’s no Leo, but he’s got the eyecandy potential. Even if he is pretty short. It’s okay Petey, I like a short boy every now and then. Mixes it up, you know? This might be one to look out for from Team 13, if only because he seems more open to making the tough decisions. Of course, he’ll be without his stash, which could leave him in a seriously bad state of mind. I’d keep an eye on him- he could be the best or he could be a mess, but either way I think he’ll be lots of fun. Weapon- Playboy Magazine. Oh....oh boy. This is almost as good as that Dildo. Remember to put your weapon to good use, Peter, the whole world is watching! And by the whole world, I mean me, of course. Team Position: The Wild Card.

13D- Simon Porter- Oh god a shortstuff. This kid is smaller than I am! Hey now, that’s no way to make a Lady feel good about herself, now is it? I’d be shocked if a gust of wind didn’t rip him in half. Not to mention he’s a sickly thing too. He may have a love of the outdoors, but if you run out of breath while fleeing from the guy trying to kill you, your appreciation for trees isn’t gonna do shit for you. This kid is useless in so many ways that it hurts just looking at him. Weapon- Stun Gun. Well, he can stun his enemies, but unless he finds a good rock to bash their brains in, he’s still first out by a mile. Team Position: The Completely Useless One.

13E-Suzanne Lanford- Well this girl just ruined the streak of attractive females this season. Short, too pale, not busty, kinda chubby, not very fashionable? Not even a lick of fanservice from this nerdy lady. And like Simon, she’s sickly too? What is this, the fodder team? Lame! She doesn’t even have any friends she can ride on the backs of, so this girl is dead in the water. Looks like her and Simon will have a nice competition to see who dies first though! Weapon- Pair of Walkie Talkies. Useless weapon for a useless girl. Really not much else to say. Team Position: The Double X.

Overall Analysis: Team 13 is, very fittingly, the most unlucky team on the face of the earth. Useless people, all of them with some sort of problem- chubby poor kid, sickly rich kids, nerdy loners, stash-less stoners. Added to the fact that they got screwed with weapons too- a Playboy Mag is a amazing, but you can’t exactly kill anyone with Ms. November now can you- and their useless and uninteresting mentor and you can pretty much guarantee that Team 13 will be the first whole team eliminated. That is, unless Peter is smart and ditches his team for another. If that happens, he might actually come out farther than any of his teammates, but he’s the only one with the tiniest chance. Team 13 is sure to be obnoxiously boring, but at least they’ll be gone before long.

White Team Analysis by SickKitty

Right, bitches, I’m SickKitty and it’s that time of the year again- SOTF-TV is about to start it’s latest season, and lets be honest, who isn’t pumped? And, like every season, I’m here to bring you guys the truth about TV, or at least as much as I’m willing to share. Of course, the show hasn’t started yet, but no worries, because there’s always good news to keep flowing. Like this whole team business, for one. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am pumped about the team dynamic. I mean, most of the contestants end up in teams anyway, right? And this way, there’s more people stuck to people who they hate, and there is nothing better than watching two people who can’t stand each other being forced to work together! (That’s why MadMax and I still talk, right?)

But let’s get right now down to the nitty gritty, because we aren’t here for this small talk bullshit. No, you’re here to learn about the deets that I know, and have I got a big juicy team for you. That’s right, it’s the White Team, or as I like to call them Team Racist! Why? Because every single member of this team is a white kid from Texas! I mean, seriously producers, you didn’t think I’d catch that? You mix an inner city school with a rich white kid school, and somehow all the rich white kids end up on one team? I smell political incorrectness!

Not that I really give a shit. Hey, be as politically incorrect as you want, it’s never stopped me before, right boys?

But anyways, onto the deets about Team Racist.

The Mentor: Team Racist has been saddled with 28 year old Rose Wolfe, that fantasy writer who wrote those books where the kids on TV where, like, elves and fairies or some shit? Yeah, I dunno what’s going on in this bitch’s head, but on the upside she’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s dramatic, which might mean that she’s gonna try and wedge her team up as much as possible. I’m hoping she tries to throw as many plot twists at her little racist tribe as humanly possible, because otherwise this bitch is gonna be bor-ing.

W01- Timothy Marcus Walker, Jr. Oh god this kid even has a rich white boy NAME. I already like him. Right, this kid’s money comes from his gambling-addicted parents, so maybe he inherited his parents luck. Not that I really care though, because this kid is ugly as a fat lady in hot pink leggings and a tight t-shirt. I mean, long dark hair, pale skin, creepy fingernails, hat hair, sunglasses? I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a member of some fucking scary ass cult. Although I guess he’s good at, like, reading people or some shit, so maybe he won’t freak out his team that much? But hey, he’s a smooth talking gambler who looks like a Manson, so maybe he’ll be interesting enough to keep Team Racist spicy. Weapon- CZ 75. Not the most amusing weapon, but at least it’s useful, I guess. Team Position: The Risk Taker.

W02- Renee Carlson. Wooh-ee, looks like we gots ourselves a very lovely lady. Lucky for Miss Renee, I’m a fan of the oversized nose, and I do have a thing for blues eyes. Renee might very well make up for the atrocity that is our Freak-of-Nature. Now if only I could get her in some heels, oh! And she’s smart too, this girl just may be my dream! If you win Renee, come swing by my place, I’ll show you what you’re missing out on! (With the heels. Get your heads out of the gutter, now! ) She may not be popular among the socialites, but she’s nice to the underdogs and outcasts, and that could get her pretty far. Not to mention her leadership abilities- from the looks of it, Team Racist might have a leg up due to this girl. Not many teams have born leaders, and I sense some infighting amongst the others! Renee could go far, farther than Manson boy for sure. Weapon- Straight Razor. She’ll go far, that is, if she steals Manson boy’s weapon. Baby ain’t getting anywhere with a straight razor. Although she can keep her legs wonderfully smooth if someone got assigned soap. Team Position: Leading Lady.

W03- Kevin Fielding. Oh god a muscle man. Ugh, way to ruin my buzz from that gorgeous French girl Mr. Stocky. Come on producers, I like skinny boys! And girls! And not linebackers! This kid could stand at the door to a club for God’s sake. Oh well, maybe we can get a few shots of his triceps. I do love me some triceps. Show me anything that isn’t his face. Or his...big-boned body. Actually, just show me Renee again, I can’t deal with this boy. On the upside, muscular strength is kinda what Team Racist needs. He also has brains, but I think Renee is a better leader, because, to be frank, I wouldn’t want a bouncer leading the blind, if you know what I mean. Weapon- Night Vision Goggles (5 Hour Battery). Useful to a point, but that’s not the best battery life, and I wouldn’t want to lean on those as a crutch. Team Position: Muscle Man.

W04- Leopold Sutherland. Ohhhh, a blonde, stoner-looking hipster. Why hello there Leo. How are you doing? Oh, and he’s old money too, send him to me I want to take him home and make him my bitch! Unfortunately, he’s selfish, which could always bite him in the ass now that we’re in teams. But he’s fairly popular, so maybe it’ll all work itself out. Unless he annoys his team to the point of Timmy Manson cracking and blowing dear Leo’s face off. And now that we have leader Renee and Muscle Kevin, he doesn’t need to be physically in shape, but that does leave at least two members of white in the “kinda useless overall” category. Maybe he can put those wits of his to use, and if not that, then there’s always his looks, right? Weapon- Dildo. ...Leo, if you win, I am taking you and holding you hostage in my basement, kay? Maybe be a useless weapon, but DAMN will it be amusing to see his pretty face with that. Team Position: The Grouch.

W05- Mason Ross. Okay, now this is what I’m talking about Kevin. Someone athletic who doesn’t look like a sack of meat. Long, lean, strong- this is a lady’s dream! And by a lady, I mean me, obviously. I am all that matters. Of course, he’s not exactly my type, but Renee and Leo should keep my eyes satisfied, so no points taken from you dear Mason. Basketball is not the most useful sport to have behind your belt in a game like this, but he seems to top off the whole dynamic for Team Racist. Everyone’s athletic, smartish, so on and so forth. Looks like his mouth might get him in trouble though, so the rest of his team better keep him in check. Weapon-Beretta 93-R. Oooooh, nice. That’s a lot of power, but I think Mason can handle it. Team Position: The Talker.

Overall Analysis: Team Racist is well equipped, well balanced, and they probably already have established relationships, which, barring everyone of them hating each other, makes them perfectly safe and boring. They also, with one major exception (Remember my offer Leo), got decent weapons. I mean, it’s not the greatest draw, but they aren’t disadvantaged either. Which is why I have to add in all my snarky commentary, because frankly, White Team will get it to the finals easy and be boring as hell doing it. *Yawn*