Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Green Team Analysis by MidnightQ


Greetings again readers,

It’s MidnightQ once more. This time I’ve come to share with you my thoughts on Green Team. Enviro-Team, Conserva-Team, or whatever you want to call them has made it into my possession. Or rather, the leaked data that is the team roster has made it into my possession. I can say with absolute certainty that Green Team is by far the most interesting exercise in publicity stunts I have ever seen on the show. (Barring of course the stunt pulled with the fifth season. Truly unforgettable.) And I can say also that I just might not be overly harsh in my judgments. This assumes of course that the members of Green Team are even worth my time. Only a look at the roster will tell me for sure.


The first part of the incredible ratings gamble that is Green Team is also perhaps the most interesting part. For none other than Susan Crawford has been chosen to mentor Green Team. Susan, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for what happened to Erin. What she endured was an atrocity and testament to the extent of the horrors man can inflict upon our fellow man. Truly such terrible things should never be given the chance to occur. Even if such events provided endless hours of discussion and debate over just how long that kind of thing needs to go on before it becomes ‘totally lame’, pardon my vernacular. (Oh and there’s also the bonus of that footage being a great case study for psychology studies. I highly recommend using it and seeing what comes up in the following course discussion.)

Anyway, that’s beside the point. What is the point of this analysis is seeing how good Miss Crawford is for the team. (It is Miss Crawford, correct? I don’t want to assume things about your marital status. Why that would be almost as rude as you are to most everyone you speak with.) I can say that despite her position and methods, inane as they are, Miss Crawford is actually quite a good fit. She’s studied SOTF almost religiously. If she weren’t such a vehement opponent you could almost make a case that she’s the biggest fan of the show there is. (Apologies to everyone else wanting that title.) The only problem is I don’t see her actually using that wealth of knowledge for the good of the team. No doubt she’s going to try and get to them to escape. While that’s always good, and entertaining, the incredibly low rates of escape over the course of show indicate that it isn’t wise to focus all your effort on escaping. So much for giving out strategies to help them beat out all their opponents.


GRN1: Sean Davidson

Excuse me while I make a copy of the photograph that came with the roster. There. That should do it. Now before I distract myself further I should get on with my analysis. The athleticism will come in handy, I suppose. It isn’t much but it is better than what most of the contestants thus far have going for them. What interests me more is his mind. (Not in that way. Though perhaps sometime in the future when such things become viable…) Every so often, you can just tell that some people were just born in the wrong century. Sean is one of those people. His interest in history, philosophy, basically anything about the ‘old world’ is most intriguing. To be honest I doubt it will do him much good, but it is nice to see someone this day and age actually using his or her mind for more than gratification of base desires. (As fun as they are to gratify.) As for his weapon, I do fear he could have gotten a better one. A Super Soaker, even a monster one, isn’t particularly effective compared to other, more lethal, weapons in play. My prediction for him is as follows: He’ll die quick if he doesn’t find the rest of his team soon. That weapon will not help him.

We as a species need people like Sean. People who aren’t going to forget the progress we’ve made in such a short time. Even if that progress has resulted in today’s world, as bad as it is sometimes, it is still progress. Good to know that someone hasn’t forgotten that we’ve only made it this far on the wings of those before us. Sean, thank you for your interest in the world before. You deserve better than this. (But we don’t all get what we deserve now do we? To that end, he’ll be fun to watch.)

GRN2: David Myerez

Just how do you pronounce that last name? Is it Me-yers? Mi-ye-rez? (I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.) Anyway, Green Team does seem to have a good bit of eye candy. (It’s just my opinion though. There’s no need to go spreading it around.) It seems he’s got a bit of MacGyver in him. Well maybe he’s not that good but still. His skill with a skateboard probably won’t get to be shown off, but his ability going all parkour might. We’ll see on both counts. What worries me is his mental state. Seems the poor boy was in a rather nasty accident, and his girl/friend got killed. (I’m not sure what exactly she was to him. My info doesn’t say. I’ll have to talk to someone at his school after the season ends.) He changed a lot after that. Having been so close to death, I wonder how he’ll handle being even closer. Trauma like that does mysterious things. Makes you wonder how he’ll use that Gladius of his. (I hope he keeps to proper technique. Those things are harder to use than they look. Yes I have used one. I’ll relate the tale later.) My prediction for him is as follows: We’ll see a spectacular show when he comes across death or is forced to kill someone. Mark my words. It will be epic.

Having seen death so close, maybe he’s more aware of his mortality. Might he be more ready than the common man to shuffle off his mortal coil? Does he believe in the existence of the soul? Of life after death? Is any of this speculation relevant? All that and more will be answered as we observe our friend David during his run on SOTF-TV. I can’t wait.

GRN3: Alexis “Lexi” Allwell

Well all’s well that ends well. But this won’t end well. So it probably won’t be well. (I’ll stop now.) First thing sweetie, lose the spray-tan and we’ll talk. It doesn’t suit you, in my opinion. (Though I admit to bias, as I don’t think it suits anyone.) That small frame will certainly come in handy staying hidden. And that rope and grappling hook have many uses. Though most of them take time, which she may not have when discovered. Lexi’s shyness concerns me, as anyone with a good presence might influence her in a bad way. Her time spent playing tennis should have her be in shape enough to run away if she finds herself in a bad spot. I’ll assume so until I see otherwise. Though I just have to say that the spoiled-child thing she got with her parents will not help her on the show. And from what I’ve heard, she doesn’t really like the show when there isn’t an escape going on. (I’ll have to verify that. It’s all based on info from message boards that she’s posted on. At least I assume it’s her. Who knows, it could be someone completely different.) My prediction for her is as follows: She’ll hide a lot. It’s the only way I see her staying alive until the group finds each other.

Alexis is definitely going to have to come out of her shell during the game. And she’d going to take a crash course in learning how to use what you have when you don’t have what you want. Good lessons. If she survives, I think I’ll just splurge and buy her whatever anything she might ask me for. It’s the least I can do for her, as I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun to follow on her journey into the heart of darkness. (I’ve just realized I’ve used that exact same line in an analysis of a previous season. Oh well, I like it too much to change it.)

GRN4: Chelsea Roberts

Chelsea is moderately attractive. (Meaning I’d have to strike out on some good finds before I consider her.) No offense Miss Roberts, but I’ve seen better. (Like BLK5.) Still, I’m not judging entirely by looks. Doing so is shallow and uninformed. And there’s nothing more annoying than being uninformed. And that’s what I like about Chelsea. She’s anything but uninformed. She’s got so much info in that head, and she can recall it in great detail. Though I wonder if it’s all just book-smarts. It sure seems that way. My advice for her is she needs to open up to others a bit more. She won’t last long if she doesn’t learn to live in the real world. (Well, SOTF-TV isn’t exactly the best place to start but she can’t exactly pick somewhere else to start now can she?) That aluminum baseball bat she’s got should help to fend off attackers. Assuming, of course, that’s she has to will and the way to swing it. (Pun unintentional.) I swear it’s almost as if the monkey interns are psychic or something. They always seem to know what to give someone to make it very difficult for him or her to survive. At least, that applies to people I’m interested in. My prediction for her is as follows: Her knowledge won’t do her much good unless she can get a gun. Then I can see her as a powerhouse. Here’s hoping.

One thing I’ve learned about the world is that you can’t categorize everything into neat little compartments. Not in the real world. The world of fiction is all for that. The world of our minds thrives on it. But real people are just too unpredictable for categorization. (On a small scale. Large-scale cases, we’re like cattle.) Chelsea’s got the brains to be a star here. I wonder if she’ll live up to my expectations. (And the expectations of her parents. And her fans.)

GRN5: Michael Clark

Who is like God? That’s what Michael’s name means. Interesting factoid there. And really, he’ll needs God’s help to live long enough to ditch that butter knife. (A butter knife, seriously? I knew those monkey interns were psychic.) Still, when it comes to pure physicality Michael’s got most of the students in the show beat. I can see him easily overpowering most everyone he comes across. But the game isn’t all about the rough and tough stuff. No, much of the game is won with mind games, subtle plans, and the cunning to abuse other’s weaknesses to the fullest. His interest in music and literature won’t help him much. Though I applaud his effort into becoming more cultured than most people, the simple facts are that no book or song in the history of the world has even blown someone’s face off. (Although I read a comment one time assuring me that exact thing had happened. I’m still investigating.) All I can say is, he better get a good weapon soon. Then he’ll be a real good bet to win. My prediction for him is as follows: If he meets a kid with a gun and an itchy trigger finger at the start, it’s goodbye. If he meets a melee weapon user, then I’d say he’d get a decent weapon. Late in the game, if he makes it that far, he’ll be a favorite for victory.

I wonder if his parents knew what they were proclaiming over Michael’s life when they named him. Could God be on his side? Might he have an angel looking out for him? Will his life settle centuries of debate and definitively prove or disprove the existence of God? Most likely not, as I see little connection to the spirit world in him. But surely that world is more real than this one. After all, this world is but a fleeting dream.


Green Team’s got a lot of good players on it. They don’t have good weapons, but relieving undeserving kids of good weapons should alleviate their problem. If they do all survive long enough to form up as a team, I predict they’ll be real power hitters. The students, the second-and-final-part of the publicity stunt known as Green Team, are an interesting bunch. I can see a wealth of entertainment from their time on the show.

Oh, and I have a parting word with Miss Crawford. Shouting expletives at people and raising your voice aren’t conductive to rational discussion. If you really want to change how people see SOTF, then please explain your points calmly. I enjoy a good shouting match as much as the next person, but I’ve just about had it with you Miss Crawford. And not everyone thought your sister’s death was ‘the most awesome thing ever that season’. Some of us thought it was a little too much, even for SOTF. (Though looking back at it, I can’t say for certain which side of the fence I’m on. I think maybe a few more viewings should cement my thoughts on it. I haven’t watched that remix video in a long time.)



  1. Does it make me a bastard to enjoy SOTF? No.

    Does making quite a few of those aforementioned remixes and trolling her with them repeatedly over the course of a year in the hope that she would shut her yap hole up make me a bastard? Yes. Yes it does.

    Anyways, the team. I expect these guys to, under Crawfords guidance, attempt an escape, then screw something up and get their heads asploded.

    Hopefully Michael will ditch the rest of them and get into gear ASAP.

    The rest of them (rather sadly, as they are damn pretty) are just good old cannon fodder.

  2. Perhaps I was a tad bit out of line with my actions concerning her. But having met that infuriating woman in person, I must admit that even I can't seem to stay come when it comes to her.

    In my opinion Mr. Ajax, no one is truly cannon fodder on the show. Though I agree with the sentiment that the probable escape plan will blow up in their faces quite literally.

    Almost a foregone conclusion, that.