Red Team Analysis by Killer_Toaster

Hey, KT here for Survival of the Snarkiest. You know how it is, you're waiting for the next season to start up, and in comes Snowball (maybe I should've taken "Napoleon" as a screenname...) with an invite. What better blogger to take part in these things than the guy who won with a fucking toaster and got three kills with it before switching out, I guess. So there's a few changes this season, and thanks to good ol' MARwin (MarWIN? Gah, whatever) we've got the docs to go over. You've probably seen some of the other team evaluations, so I don't have to explain too much, though I seem to be the only one who's noticed the literal class warfare going on. I've got Red Team to start with, and it looks like they've got a pretty interesting lineup. Got the two Fs if you catch my drift: firepower and fanservice. I mean, every season seems to have at least a couple girls with pretty faces, really nice tits and often a lot to live for. Wonder if the execs pick by cup size? Either way, Red Team's ladies are definitely getting invitations to a hotel room of mine if they all make it out; failing that, I see a lot of fic comin'. Well anyway, they've got some nice weapons between them and an interesting mentor, so let's have a look. These guys could go places.

Mentor: Lieutenant Colonel Max Briggs
Ah, the military man. I feel kinda bad for him getting stuck with this lot, but maybe it'll do the team some good. The disciplined approach should make things interesting, at least, especially since he doesn't seem too fond of the team he landed with. His uber-serious nature will either help the kids or just clash badly with their outlooks and the other mentors' personalities.
Pros: The guy's a military officer; he's got experience fighting for his life and leading men and stuff. If that doesn't help these guys, nothing will; he knows how to whip a group into shape and turn 'em into a fighting force. If they listen up and actually take what he says to heart, they might have a good chance of making it.
Cons: Well, for one he expects way too much of a bunch of highschool kids. They're not going to turn into a badass commando squad overnight, and I could see him getting frustrated at their abilities. He also doesn't have the kind of familiarity with the game a lot of the other mentors bring in. That's going to trip him up, I bet, and it could bite Red Team right in the arse.

Marvia Jones
Weapon: Steyr AUG
Mmm, see what I mean about fanservice? People like Miss Jones are brought in at least partly to draw eyes to the screen, even if they're not exactly looking at her face. I certainly wouldn't be... um, yeah, depending on how things go she could be a real asset to the team. She's got the best weapon of the bunch, and if the mentor reins in that temper of hers it could do a lot of good. She's used blades, too, so get her one of those as backup and she could be pretty good combat muscle. Wouldn't trust her with a much more important role, but really, combat muscle is pretty damn important in SOTF.
Pros: She's got a damn assault rifle, for one, which gives the team a powerful advantage. Like I said, she knows how to use a blade, and did I mention the whole thing about being hot? Damn! Could say that about all three Red Team chicks though, so not gonna note it down again. If she keeps cool and sticks to that friendly side of her it could help with alliances. Overall, if guided right by the mentor there's a good chance of her being a solid member of the team.
Cons: Her temper's the main thing. If the officer can't rein her in or she explodes at the wrong time, it's gonna screw the team over big time, if not outright being a Game Over. There's also her drug dependency; this really isn't the kind of game you want to be a junkie in. If that withdrawal kicks in at the wrong time, it's going to get people killed.

Jeanette Buendia
Weapon: Switchblade
Ooh, sexy Latina chick too. She's got one of the weaker weapons, but a switchblade can still mess you up if someone gets close enough; good stealth weapon, or something for a surprise assault. Apparently she's got some brains, too, that never hurts in this kind of thing; all the firepower in the world won't help someone without the intelligence to use it. That and her resourcefulness should be helpful in the game, as long as she and the others can work together. We're going to find it boils down to that one fact for much of the team; can they actually work with each other, co-exist long enough to turn into an effective force? Bah, it was easier in my day; kill everyone that's not you. It's not gonna work as well that way for this lot.
Pros: She's got the Advantage I Will Not Name, along with intelligence and resourcefulness. That popularity should be useful, maybe it'll help cool otherwise hostile situations down a bit. Overall, decently useful team member.
Cons: Not very physically strong, which is especially disadvantageous when you've a close-quarters weapon. You've got to be like, right in someone's face with a switchblade, and I'm not sure she has the physical power for that kind of fighting. Lack of endurance is another of those game-breaking disadvantages, as is the inability to concentrate on things. If she's not careful, or the mentor doesn't pay her close attention, she's going to be the team's weak link I think. It'd be a shame if she got taken down because she was screwing around.

Jhamel Thompson
Weapon: Colt M1911A1
And here I almost forgot there were any guys on this team. I'll be honest, I like this guy. He's got the mindset for team play, a damn good gun, the determination to carry him far and the body to outlast competition. Not much good in a fistfight, and he's got a messed up idea of how to use a gun, but hopefully he'll find time to work past those issues. What I'm really concerned about is his naive mindset; while trust's a bit more important in this round than in, say, mine, I'm worried he might be talked into letting enemies go or trusting the wrong people. Then there's one of the kids with the biggest potential gone.
Pros: Excellent weapon, I mean that gun's been goin' over a hundred years and it's still better than some modern gear. Physical fitness never hurt in SOTF, nor did the kind of determination this kid's got; loyalty has got people killed before, but not this time. This time it's a good thing.
Cons: Physically fit or not, the kid's a crappy fighter with his fists or a gun. Hope he'll improve. As I said, his biggest Achilles' Heel is his naive attitude. I'd stamp that out if I were the mentor... which I'm not. Shit.

Daniel Renard
Weapon: GPS
Sweet! The GPS is always a damn nice pick, though a bit less useful when you've got allies to deal with. After all, it doesn't exactly tell you if the blip approaching is friend or foe, does it? He's smart and fast, but not much to look at physically. It's good he can keep a good attitude, but what good's that gonna do you if you can't fight your way out of a bad situation? There's no middle ground about this kid; either he'll get far as team support and a scout, or he'll crash and burn. I hope it's the former, really; that kind of thing'd be vital for a team scout if they learn to use it right.
Pros: He's got "street smarts" as the profile calls it, and the GPS is always a vital advantage. Not a game-winner on its own, but a huge leg up. Being good at running and hiding doesn't sound fun, but half the fight is getting away from trouble, trust me. Know when to fold 'em and all that, and this guy will focus on speed and stealth if he's smart. Which he is, apparently. Another one with the right mindset for the game, too.
Cons: Weak and unhealthy, he's not gonna stand a chance in a standup fight, especially as he's pretty much unarmed as far as offensive weaponry goes. He'll have to either scrounge something up or rely on the team for protection. If he picks the wrong time to be cocky, it'll either alienate people or earn him a bullet for his trouble, then there goes a potential asset for the whole group.

Mikaela Warner
Weapon: Shuriken x4
Now there's a useless weapon unless you've been trained to use it, but that's not this one's speciality in the team anyway. Looks like we've got a full-blown aspiring doctor instead of just another hottie, and if she finds something better to defend herself with or her team keeps her covered, they'll find themselves the only one with an actual medic around. Honestly this one was probably luck, but see what I said earlier about having a pretty face, nice tits and a lot of reason to live? She's got the whole package there, and it might be part of what makes the difference. Eye candy for the people at home, loyalty and medical skill for her allies, especially since she's in shape, too. Still, hope she's got a good bra; in shape or no, running around the island with a pair of E-cups bouncing around would be - heh! - murder. ...Why do I see Mikaela/Marvia fics somewhere down the line, though?
Pros: High intelligence should be to the team's benefit, along with her physical fitness and medical knowledge. With so much to live for, I don't see her being the type to let something like SOTF-TV stop her, and I'll keep saying this until people get it: at least half the game is mental, not physical, strength. Knowledge, determination, wits, the very attitude you carry yourself. If you're not afraid to run when the time calls for it, that can come in handy too. The drive to see things through and the knowledge to help her teammates should make her a good member.
Cons: Another one with no fighting ability, and she's not got a lot of upper-body strength. Her weapon is, bluntly, kinda useless; I've tried throwing knife stuff before, and half the time the goddamn things don't even go where you want 'em to. Or don't hit blade-first. She's not gonna do a lot of good when the bullets are flying, and I can see that trusting nature coming back to bite her. It always happens at least once in this game. Speaking of games, looks like we've got one that doesn't watch! A lack of genre-savvy is never good, but this time it might be the death of her.

Overall
I've said a good bit about Red Team, but they could really go either way. If they actually stick together and learn to work as one, I could see them getting far or maybe even taking this, but at the same time there's a good chance of it all crashing down. Life is never predictable, not even in SOTF-TV, and while all the pieces are there for this team to do well, the question's if they'll utilise 'em at all. I'll be keeping an eye out, either way.