Saturday, April 30, 2011

Location Analysis by sotf67

Season 65 Resort Location Analysis

Hey everyone! It's everyone favorite unknown contributor here, sotf67. (Yeah, I know that most of you probably hate me and my ridiculously long and boring posts, if the lack of comments on the Blue Team Analysis means anything. But hey, a guy can dream.) I've got another dreary analysis for everyone (as you can probably guess by now I'm not good at much else), and this time it's on the locations. Why the locations, you might ask? Well, I think everyone gives way too much emphasis on people and not enough on the terrain the fight on. As everyone should know well by now, terrain is a highly deciding factor in SOTF-TV and indeed it's also a powerful weapon. Environmental kills are great, guys, it makes my day seeing the crazy ways people weaponize the terrain. But hey, enough of my endless rambling, let's get on to the analysis!


General: Not much to say about this place. It's a pretty basic dock with two anchoring points, one with the Cruise Ship (which we will get to later), and one with a broken, destroyed ship. Not a particularly interesting place, you hardly would come to this island to see it after all.

Predictions: Can't say that there's really going to be a lot happening here, if anything it's just a transit point to the much more interesting cruise ship. A few battles might happen here, and it might show up in an escape attempt. Besides that, there's really very little that you could predict accurately.

Ratings: I really doubt that this is going to be contributing much to the ratings of the show. Unless you have lived really far inland for all of your life, you are bound to see a dock one time or another and even if you have it still wouldn't be very interesting. The only thing that might make it good viewing is the kills...

Environmental Kills: It's a dock, folks, what do you think is going to happen here? People are going to take advantage of the water, maybe using it to drown the idiots who haven't ever learned to swim. Besides that, though, there's not many ways people can take advantage of it.


General: Now, this is a lot more interesting, folks. Looking on some old travel websites, I found out that these tar pits used to be one of the star attractions of the island. Apparently, people came and paid to soak up in the "revitalizing" tar. Wait a minute, what? You read that right folks, people came to soak in the tar. You know, the same kind of tar that brought prehistoric animals to their sticky deaths and preserved their bones as fossils for us to study. Yeah.

Predictions: Ehh, can't predict too much about this one. Interesting environmental kills are likely, maybe a few good battles with the somewhat central position of the pits and some awesome scenery to back it up. The black bubbles do make for an imposing background for a gunfight, if I do say so myself.

Ratings: It was interesting to people before, it'll be interesting to people now. When was the last time you saw some tar pits, folks? Your answer is probably either "very long ago when I was a child" or "never", and for me it's certainly the first. Now add up the exotic location with some interesting environmental kills and good battle scenes, and bam, prime viewing location.

Environmental Kills: Well, it's the tar pits, and we all know that can only mean people will be thrown into the tar, dragged down into the bottom and preserved as fossils for the Earthlings of the future to study. Also, I've looked at some of the weapons and I've actually thought of something interesting - what if Bobby Goldman uses his shopping cart to get people into the tar? Not practical, and not likely, but certainly epic.


General: Basically everything on the island that isn't a special feature. You've seen one of these before, and you know that it's boring as hell and nothing special. Moving on.

Predictions: A little bit of everything will happen here. Why? Because it makes up of a good 80% of the island. Probably not something you will want your TV on 24/7, but might be an interesting watch from time to time.

Ratings: The only reason this might contribute to ratings is because of the "a little bit of everything" nature of the events that will occur. Otherwise, like I've said, "you know that it's boring as hell and nothing special".

Environmental Kills: Unless one of the contestants is highly allergic to grass or something, I highly doubt there will be any special environmental kills here. If there are, though, they will be interesting, you've got to be pretty ingenious to kill someone using flat plains.


General: You know that three-star hotel that you go to when you go on vacation to some small remote island? This is basically the same thing, with beach views all around and a nice pool to boot. Apparently, the reviews of this place say that the walls are way too thin and carry sound easily, which might have some interesting gameplay applications. Besides that, it's pretty generic and isn't a major attraction of the island and more of a necessity then anything. Although I do wonder, where does the hotel get it's supplies from? People need to eat, and there's not much dock space or any farms as far as I can see. Anyways, while I'm on supplies...

Predictions: Well, any halfway intelligent. person is bound to raid the kitchen sometime or another. No one's done it yet, but I'm expecting it to be done in a day or so. The place is also probably going to be alluring to the less wilderness-inclined of the competitors, so I'm expecting lots of meetings here to come. Maybe a few other interesting scenes, it's hard to say.

Ratings: Might be a decent rating engine, as not everyone enjoys seeing a bunch of kids plowing around dirty and tired in the wilderness. Again, the scenes that take place here might be interesting, and there might be a few decent kills that give the ratings a good boost...

Environmental Kills: Moderately tall building, lots of glass windows, anyone know what I'm thinking? You probably know since it's so obvious, but in case anyone here is too brain-dead to think of it there's a fairly high chance that there will be at least one person falling to their deaths here. Besides that, not many likely environmental kills, I'm afraid, but the first one here will be nice viewing.


General: It's really just a small lake with some small docks, you've probably seen one of these before. One of two lakes on the island. Since this is a lake, you can probably guess what's here - bo- wait, no, I mean kayaks and canoes. Also a few cabins, might be nice as shelter for any wanderers who don't want to sleep outdoors like a real (wo)man. That sums up this place nicely.

Predictions: Well, someone is bound to come here to look for things to help them escape, but they are going to leave disappointed. Some nice scenes might be here, one's already developing as we speak. Kills might be lacking though, but then again one can never really know.

Ratings: Ehh, like a lot of the island this is a pretty generic place. Again, there might be some nice scenes but it looks like this place will be pretty tranquil, all told. Probably not going to boost ratings much, but there are surprise hits often enough, in many more ways then one.

Environmental Kills: Well, like every other place that's next to water, there probably might be some drowning kills here. Besides that, I really don't think there's going to be much of interest here, the inland lake doesn't exactly scream "lethal" to me.


General: This one's not your generic, badly maintained and ugly looking beach, this one's actually a pretty nice place to look at, if the pictures on travel websites are anything to go by. Apparently it was once pretty popular for marriages and honeymoons, and for good reason. Besides that, not too much to say about this one.

Predictions: Well, it was used for marriages and honeymoons then, why can't it be used for some romance scenes now? It's a pretty nice place, all told, seeing some actual romance here instead of the shameless fanservice would be a very nice touch to this season of the show. Besides that, probably not much will happen, it's too isolated from the rest of the island.

Ratings: Well, if the romance scenes I have predicted actually do happen, I expect a good ratings powerhouse. Call me what you would like, but I actually do enjoy watching decent romance scenes over the fanservice scenes as well as the... objectionable content... ones. I expect plenty of other fans are with me on this, and I only hope the producers will actually try to cater to us.

Environmental Kills: MAYBE drowning like I've brought up so many times before, again I really don't see anything lethal about this place, it's just too serene and isolated. Hell, I doubt there will be many kills here at all, to be completely honest...


General: Another of the beaches on the island, this one's a pretty lonely and empty stretch. There's a rental boat shack here, but from the few released photos I can see quite well that they are dilapidated eyesores that sorely need fixing up. Besides that, it's pretty much the most boring out of all the three beaches.

Predictions: Maybe a few lonely wanderers might come and go, we might see some interesting individual scenes, but most likely not. Very few people will come here, it's just too empty and featureless. Might be OK for hiding out, but it's not exactly a good place to hole up.

Ratings: Ehh, probably too boring (and thus unwatched) to boost ratings much, probably will be somewhat detrimental if anything. Still, I'm just taking a gander here, and exciting scenes can crop up anywhere in SOTF-TV, which is of course one of my favorite parts of the show.

Environmental Kills: There's water here! People can drown! Yeah, I'm really strapped for ideas here, but much like the northern beach I seriously doubt that there will be many environmental or regular kills here.


General: The second of the two lakes here on the island, pretty much the same as it's inland sibling minus the "calming" surroundings with the salt air and sound of waves (or at least that's what one of the travel websites says). There's apparently a small sailboat in the center with it's mast poking out of the waterline too, interestingly enough. Finally, please allow me a moment for a tangent. Why in the world is this lake named "The Coastal Lake" and the other "The Inland Lake" when both of them are inland and both fairly close to the coast? Again, I can't help but feel that the producers are horrible at giving names to things and people (see the "The Foreign Ambassador" rant/tangent in Blue Team Analysis), but whatever.

Predictions: Not really predicting much to happen here, if anything it'll be a relaxing scene to look at when we don't feel like getting adrenaline rushes from the actions scenes. Maybe someone stupid will try to swim to the sailboat, but they would have to be REALLY, REALLY stupid to do that and I don't really see it as being likely. So overall, nice scenery, dull viewing.

Ratings: Ehh, just another generic and boring place to watch, probably not going to help ratings much unless something really interesting happens like someone swimming to the sailboat (and subsequently drowning), but that's about all that can really be said really.

Environmental Kills: There's water here, people will drown, herp derp derp! Please forgive me for repeating that every single time, but really, there's not much about this place that could be taken advantage of. Maybe a fall from the cliffs? We'll just have to see.


General: The final and most visited member of the trio of beaches on the island. Remember when I mentioned generic, badly maintained and ugly looking beaches in the northern beach analysis? This is basically the same thing, with the customary abandoned food/merchandise (read: tourist junk) stands (someone smart would loot them), litter, and seaweed. By far the longest stretch of beach, and, well, that about sums it up.

Predictions: Really not much to predict here, yet another boring beach like the western one. I expect to see some looting of stands, and not really much else more. Will probably have much more traffic and thus action due to it's length and position, but it's really impossible to say for sure.

Ratings: Like so many of the other locations, I really cannot see this place driving ratings up much. It's a fairly generic place, and something of an eyesore if anything, so don't expect a lot of people to tune in unless there are some really interesting scenes.

Environmental Kills: I really have to type this out again? TL;DR, "sotf67's an uncreative idiot and thinks people will drown here because there's water".


General: Finally! An actually interesting location! The ship's not really all that special by itself, but it is an excellent addition to the island by the producers. Of course, the motor has been removed, taking out the most obvious escape method. No matter what some might say, the producers are certainly not THAT stupid. Besides that, just generic bedrooms and a restaurant and swimming pool.

Predictions: Well, like I've said before of the various other locations here that might have supplies, anyone halfway intelligent would loot the restaurant. I expect to see a lot of action here, as practically anyone would go on here if they thought they had an actually halfway decent chance of escape. Also, expect a stalled escape attempt sometime towards the midgame, it only seems obvious.

Ratings: A downright attention-grabbing place compared to many of the others. There should be a lot of good scenes here to satisfy a variety of desires, so this should definitely be a ratings powerhouse. And if anyone can actually get this thing to work, well, I'll tip my hat onto them and watch as this becomes one of the highest rated SOTF-TV episodes out there.

Environmental Kills: Blah blah blah drowning in the water blah blah blah. Maybe someone eats something in the restaurant and goes and swims in the pool and drowns. Nah, that's just stupid. I can totally visualize all of you sitting back at home at your computers, reading this and thinking to yourself, "Man, sotf67 is such a dork." :P


General: Another interesting location! While this thing isn't exactly Old Faithful, this thing reportedly sprays once a day without fail, or as according to the travel websites. A bit suspicious if you ask me, but whatever, it's hardly going to matter.

Predictions: I actually can't see much of interest happening here. A geyser, while interesting, is not exactly the first thing you'd see out of all the island features and only goes off once a day anyways. I doubt there will be any major action scenes here, but maybe some conversation scenes will be nice.

Ratings: I've already predicted little action, and that means little ratings. Could potentially be interesting, but I highly doubt that such an event will occur and drive the ratings up. Still, if the geyser isn't completely natural as some people have suspected, producer interference could actually shake things (and the ratings) up...

Environmental Kills: I really actually can't see any environmental kills happening here short of someone going right into the geyser. Even that probably wouldn't kill someone immediately, but hey, geysers are hot. Maybe someone gets scalded to death. Again, I don't know here and I don't really think anyone does.


General: Hey, another (comparatively) interesting place! The ski resort is not really all that special, as far as ski resorts go, but this is definitely more interesting then the other locations. The motor's been destroyed for reasons obvious enough, so access isn't exactly great, as everyone has to go up through a slick and slippery path. (Hurrah for alliteration.) At the bottom, there's also a lodge and rental booth but again I don't think those will influence gameplay much. Oh, and there's snow everywhere. That's pretty much all.

Predictions: Someone smart might want to look at the rental booth and maybe collect a ski pole as a makeshift weapon if necessary. It could also be a decent place to hole up due to the bad accessibility, but whoever would do so would have a horrible time trying to leave. Can't see too much interesting stuff happening here, though, just too isolated and hard to reach.

Ratings: Ehh, might not be as good for ratings as one might think. It'll be rather polarized, either extremely interesting or mind-bogglingly boring. All depends on the kind of scenes that happen to crop up.

Environmental Kills: The ice can be taken advantage of the cause people to fall and slip to their deaths, but that's about it really. For all of you out there who are screaming "AVALANCHE" at me, I seriously doubt that that will work. Avalanches need serious and heavy buildup of snow, and that seems to be lacking here. Still, the producers might pull a fast one on us and interfere, we never really know.


General: It's a forest. There's not much else to say about it. If any of you out there haven't seen one of these before, either you live in a really extreme location or you have my deepest pity. One or the other, depending on who you are.

Predictions: Hard to guess, really. Forests are not good places for meetings, as for the most part people will probably get through it without meeting anyone else. Speaking of getting through it, it will most likely simply be a transit point between more interesting locations. It also might be another decent hiding spot, but that's a pretty iffy prediction if anything.

Ratings: Really not that special and not that conducive to action. If you like peace and tranquility, you might want to tune onto this place, but honestly I doubt that anything interesting will happen here. Still, it's big enough to hold some surprises and it's in a decent location, so eh, fifty-fifty.

Environmental Kills: No matter what one may think, it's not that easy to survive in a forest. The forest itself is not exactly deadly though, and unless someone knocks a tree over on top of someone or something I'm not seeing many environmental kills. Then again maybe we'll see some wildlife lash out? I want to see another brutal mauling by a bear again, that's something that never gets old no matter what season it is.


General: I doubt many of you guys have seen one of these before in person. Still, I doubt ANY of you have seen one on the same island as a SKI RESORT. Honestly, how is this possible? Maybe the hotspot (which I'll elaborate on later) affects the climate somehow, but honestly it's pretty amazing. As for the forest itself, it's fairly standard as rainforests go, and only has one interesting features, a "jungle safari". And when there's a safari, there's wildlife...

Predictions: A few decent scenes at least (and there's already been one, that is if you like fanservice), this is a major and attention-grabbing location. Probably not too many chance encounters, though, the vegetation is just way too thick. Maybe some people will get- wait, that belongs in a different section.

Ratings: This should definitely be decent, if not good, simply due to the size and exotically of the location. Actually, the rain forest does actually have one of the clips with one of the better ratings at the moment, for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on. Just YouTube "rain forest mae" and you'll know what I mean, if you don't already.

Environmental Kills: People will probably get lost and mangled by animals. Although conversely, I'll also expect lots of animals to die, like the snake that Zach took so much pleasure in killing. Like the regular forest, it's not exactly easy to take advantage of, but it might be possible, somehow.


General: The hot spot is the final location on the island. Apparently it's some kind of semi-volcanic opening, which would help to explain why the rain forest is there in the first place and the presence of the geyser as well. It does happen to be fenced off, but now without anyone to watch it I highly doubt those fences will come to mean anything anymore.

Predictions: I'm hoping for a couple of good scenes with how interesting the location is. The one with Todd Hudson was decent enough for me, though, it made me laugh hard enough to almost throw up. Let's just hope for a few more decent ones after that, shall we?

Ratings: The feature is unique enough to garner some ratings on it's own. With a few more decent scenes, it could be one of the best rating-generations on SOTF-TV, but we can never be sure. It definitely should definitely pack a disproportionate amount of ratings compared to size, though.

Environmental Kills: People will fall into/get pushed into the hotspot, duh. Don't need to be a genius to figure that out, even if I am (yeah, that's a horribly lame joke). If you can think of anything else, kudos to you. But I'm spent.

...and that concludes my locations analysis! I hope you had fun reading it, but if it was that long, you probably haven't But whatever, at least it's there if you ever feel the urge to read it.


Friday, April 29, 2011

The Starties! [Hosted by SickKitty] (Part 2)

(Part 2) continued...

The 55 in a 54 Zone Prize for "best and blackest" heads over to Devonte Washington for quite possibly being the only reason to ever move to Detroit ever. Seriously. He's so black that if I stand next to him for too long, I'll probably get a killer tan. Haters gonna hate Devonte, but you keep doing your thing, g.

The How the Fuck Do I Work This Award goes to Jonas Jeffries for pretty much attacking the entire universe with bullets. I think one flew through my TV and broke my vase. Well, Max's vase. Well, Max's mom's prized Vase from ancient times. It wasn't like I knocked it over while drunkenly dancing or anything. Nope. It was all Jonas up in this. Honest.

The Best for the Ad Execs prize goes to Jeanette Buendia for flashing the cameras. Let's be honest, if that amazing ass isn't all over the DVD box covers, then the producers have failed us all.


The SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH award goes to Anna Higgins. Who screamed. And did nothing else. Oh my god SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH.

Honorable mentions include the Rosaline Prize for "most forgotten love interest" toZachariah Johnson, who will never live up to the godly sexy godliness of sex that is Shawn Morrison, and the Little Jimmy is Feeling New Things Down There Award for "most awkward moment to become sexually aroused" to Bobby Goldman for getting a massive erection at the sight of Amber Lyons. No worries Bobby, those things you're feeling are a perfectly natural part of growing up.

Alrighty lovers, SickKitty is out for now. Remember to keep your pretty ears peeled for the first Season 65 Max and Kitty podcast, and until next time, keep on stripping ladies!

The Starties! [Hosted by SickKitty] (Part 1)

That's right bitches, ho's, and the socially depraved, it's time for everyone's favorite award show, The Starties! Who will take home the wonderful prize of my foot of their ass, who will go home disappointed, who will go down in history as the most wonderfully pathetic? All your answers, right here, right now! So let's go!

The Golden Ass Award for "stupidest start" goes to Ali White who, despite being warned vocally about this, still managed to forget to put on her bandana and nearly got herself blown up. Great work Ali, you almost went down in history as the Queen of the Darwin Deaths, but instead you scrape by to annoy me another week. I hope you're fucking happy.

The Raped With a Coat Hanger Prize for "most creepily disturbed start" goes to Lesbian Bench Sex! Marvia Jones date raped Nate Chauncey for reasons I don't entirely understand, nor really want too! All I know is that it wasn't very sexy, was horrendously creepy, and may have officially ruined sex for me forever.

Oh wait that's not possible. Well, you almost did it girls. Close enough.

The Backwards Ball Cap Award for "most hilariously bad at being down with the homies" goes to Todd Hudson for being whiter than Max in the middle of winter. You did good kid. Make your white-ass Texas parents proud. Dag straight yo, right up tripping in this bitch, wheezy, ya hear ho? You HEAR?

Up next is the Fire In My Heart Award for "starting a forest fire deep within me" which goes to Panya Bishara, for being the only person on the island responsible enough to know that she can prevent wildfires. You go girl. You go and you spread your message. (And also your legs, you pretty thang you.)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ajax's Fanservice Five

Hello again Gentelmen, Lesbians and *Gasp* Is that a straight girl I see?

No? No. Damn.

Well, Seeing as I am the only member who doesn’t either A) have a wife/girlfriend, so has never wanted another girl sexually in the history of his life, Or, B) A stick up his arse the size of Texas, It falls to me to give Y’all the lowdown on the babes of this season.

That’s right fellas, it’s the:

Fanservice 5. MK2

Right, dropping in at number 5, is Mae St. Clair. I know a few of you might be in disagreement here, given her rather thin, athletic figure. And the B-Cup associated with it. However, she – as her (Sadly short lived, fuck you Shawn and Zach) Geisha costume showed – knows how to accentuate it perfectly.

Pros: Ballerina, so flexible She’s also very rich and pretty dominant, so if you like Fem-Dom, she’s your girl.

Cons: At the centre of a goddamn Love Triangle, also, incredibly cold. Like, if you fucked her, you’d probably get frostbite cold. Also, probably a holder of her V-card.

Stepping up to the deck at 4th place, is Jeanette Buendia. She is another of the smaller competitors, filling up another B-Cup. You know, I’d think that one of the producers had a smalltit fetish, but, well, its more than counteracted. Also, in a side note, her face is so cute! I almost went weeaboo there and did the thing with the K, a, w and a buttload of I’s. Its that cute.

Pros: Unlike our above contender, has plenty of experience. Also, she was quite good with that little stripdance into a hula girl costume. Has she had more… Professional training? Ahh, I kid y’all again, but it was damn hot.

Cons: Is probably completely insane. I mean, who does a stripdance, for the camerals, on national television, then sunbathes? ON AN ISLAND FULL OF MURDERERS? Girls got a screw loose. Not that I’m complaining.

Coming down to scoop the bronze is none other than Eloise Winterburn, who has the nicest D-Cups I’ve seen in a while, and has a very high class look. Trust me, I know how the upper classes look, and she is bang on that. I’ve gotta say, I love it.

Pros: BISEXUAL *Ahem* Sorry ‘bout that, but if you get her and No.2 in a room and take pictures, I would love you forever. Also, as with all the SDA students, More money than sense.
Cons: That scowl. I’m sorry, but a cute smile just makes a girl for me, and she just refuses to do it.

Second place goes to Amber Lyons. If you need to ask why, you are probably either a girl, or a gay guy. Or blind. She’s another pint sized pretty, her pert little body-

Sorry, slipped into Fanfic mode there. And… Yup, thats yet another FBI watchlist for me! Yaaaaaay!

Pros: BISEX- Oh, wait, I already did that gag, didn’t I? Shoot. I’m sorry, but that video is amazing.

Cons: … Um… No.

Finnaly, swooping in to take Pirate gold is Ms. Panya. Arguably this is predictable, but really? Can you blame me? This is the girl walking around in a furry costume! (Not a fan of Smokey myself, more of a Nekomimi fan personally, but I’ll take it where I can)

Cannot… Comprehend… Hotness…

Pros: Launcher of a thousand ships. With good reason.

Cons: Apart from being rather firmly in the “Out of my league” department, none.

Honourable mentions to… Just about every girl. Seriously.

So, let me know who your top 5 are (Guys and gals) in the comments!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Fan Favorites

We've all seen the polls before, "Who's the first out", "Who's going to win it all", the standard stuff that's brought up every SotF Season. And baring a few notable cases, we've had clear frontrunner's, day in and day out. It might not always come true (Which is the beauty of SotF), but at least the fan base can decide on something.

Not this time around! With the introduction of teams, all the odds-makers in Vegas are scrambling to rework their system, and it looks like the fan base is equally divided!

And at the end of the day, Red Team, Yellow Team, Purple Team and Team 13 are locked in a four-way tie for first, in the first ever Survival of the Snarkiest "Front Runner Poll".

Every team is (still) at full strength, and it's hard to tell who'll come out on top. All of these teams have had a strong start (Especially Purple and Red, Karen Ruiz and Marvia Jones looking extremely proactive out there.)

While we can't tell the winner just yet, the stragglers are becoming apparent. Grey Team garnered zero votes, sitting in dead last. Can't really blame that choice, with the loss of their sole weapon, they're looking very shaky. Also near the bottom of the poll was the Blue Team. I'm going to have to dispute this slightly, while Joshua Doyle and Anna Higgins have shown their red shirts, Jasz and Axel have proven to be quite useful thus far. Lou Becker seems to be AWOL at the moment, judging from lack of footage. Would two team members be enough to carry Blue Team to the finals though? Unless we see a change of course, it's looking grim for them.

Can they turn it around? We'll just have to watch and see!


1) Red Team
1) Purple Team
1) Team 13
1) Yellow Team
2) Pink Team
3) Green Team
3) Brown Team
4) Orange Team
4) White Team
4) Black Team
4) Gold Team
5) Blue Team
6) Grey Team

N/A Loner Boy - (Not Polled;Survival Percentage currently hovering around 1.5%)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Fanservice 5! by Hollysparkles

Who's the cutest boy in Season 65!?

OMG Hi you guys, this is HollySparkles here asking the most DUH-TASTIC question of all! Who is the cutest boy on the island? Now, I've like been painstakingly watching like, every second up until this point, and I've totally narrowed it down to these five boys. OMG CHECK OUT THE HAWTNESS:

1. GLD4: Shawn Morrison. OMG you guys you totally knew that I was going to put him first!!!! Here me out though, he's sweet, adorable (those EYES) sensitive, loves animals and had GREAT hair. I think he is a vegetarian which totally just makes him CUTER.

Pros: He is totally chill and sweet and omg. Did you see him give those flowers to Mae? SO ROMANTIC. Like, his eyes again? OMG his eyes.

Cons: That slut Mae St. Clair. He spends way too much time drooling over her (I was crushed when I watched that promo "Rescue Mission" just let the stupid drunk bitch drown!)

Conclusion: I am like, shipping him with only one person, ME. Now drop that stupid whore and get with a girl who REALLY loves you. (Me.)

2. BRN1: Nick Simmons. I know he's like not the most popular choice, but I TOTALLY DIG his blond hair, you know? There are a lot of blondes this season but I think Nick really like hot.

Pros: His hair duuuhhh, but he loves grunge and I am totally all about that. OMG CAN HE PLAY GUITAR? Someone find his facebook page lol.

Cons: He's poor. He's like. Really poor. He also curses a lot and come on how can you take that home to your mother? At least so far he hasn't been horrible or anything in game....which reminds me....

3. YLW5: Jake Langston. Another blonde boy!!! This one is cute (although he looks like, so sad) and he seemed nice in the promos, but now he seems to have a sort of jerk streak. I mean, maybe he just needs the right girl, AM I RIGHT? OMG. <3

Pros: He definitely plays guitar and has adorable eyes. Also super tall.

Cons: I read on some other blog that he had a girlfriend, then omg he mentions that it's Madelyn Connor and they aren't even on the same team. DROP HER. LOL. JUST LIKE, BREAK UP WITH HER. Also, he hasn't gotten off to like, any sort of good start in the game, he was really mean when he waved that gun at Bob Lazenby.

4. PRP5: Sterling Odair. Another one that is like, totally obvious. Sterling has great eyes and omg his hair. You just want to run your fingers through it amiright? I mean like, I heard some things on the internet and this guy is totally for the fanfiction.

Pros: THOSE EYES. Rivaling Shawn Morrison's in how pretty. And THAT HAIR. I'd pay to touch it I think. I would like, totally pay to touch it. ALSO he's bisexual and like, how hot is that? You should ship him with anyone. Like, totally anyone.

Cons: He threw out his asspants. HOW CAN YOU THROW OUT YOUR ASSPANTS, STERLING?

5. W04: Leopold Sutherland. By far the most squeeworthy to me, but then again it's because I like them rich and skinny lol amiright? He's very broody and also blond. Lol what is it with me and blondes?

Pros: Um. RICH? Um. Like, he's like a prince!? Also I think he got a Doctor Who outfit so I've already started a fanfiction where he replaces the doctor.

Cons: So far he's just been brooding on the show, I really really really super can't wait for him to start doing stuff!! Also he threw away his weapon, omg it would have been totally hot if he ran into Sterling with that thing. LOL get it? Ran into? ;-)

So those are my top five picks! Honorable mentions go to: Cesar Perdomo, Skyler Thsani, and Mason Ross. Who are your favorites, viewers? Girls are totally welcome too!!!!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Mad Max's Rest of The Crap

Yawn. After the first couple hours, this game is shaping up- just like the last few seasons, to be the who’s who of who cares.

So, in light of this game being full of losers and bigger losers, I’m taking it upon myself to sift through the hours of footage and provide you will my highlight reel of expert opinion.

Welcome, peeps, to Mad Max’s Rest of the Crap.

No insights/interviews/columns today, seeing as everyone's busy watching/writing right now, so you guys will just have to make do with Quickfire crap and the usual stuff I put at the end.

Quickfire Crap:

Best … awkward love triangle goes to Mae St. Clair the hoe, Shawn Morrison the hippie and Zachariah Johnson the Snake-Eater for their surprisingly good scene in the waterfall. Kitty no doubt has Mae stripping DVR’d.

RIP Snake, by the way. You were a true American hero. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Worst … way of stealing a bandanna ever, Marvia Jones. Also, ratings and lesbians or not, I may or may not have raged at the stupidity of Natalie Chauncey and Marvia there, so stop sending me your “OMG DID U SEE MARVIA/NATE” messages while drooling at your keyboard.

Seriously, I’m surprised at how quickly people have adjusted to the teams. Actually can’t wait to see how they all form together.

I’d love it if… Ben Grayson would actually use the bandannas to his advantage, rather than just randomly putting one on like a tard.

Please kill… Harold Smythe. There’s no way this guy isn’t going to hurt himself. Also Nate, for taking MDMA from strangers. It’s the nicest way.

No Highight/Darklight of the Night yet, since it’s the morning still. So we’ll have good old Best Start/Worst Start instead.

Best Start: Todd Hudson, for creating a whole bunch of racial arguments on the internet after pulling a Harlem Heat and calling someone the n-word.

Worst Start: Tie: Poor John Benson just can’t catch a break. A fitting punishment for hitting Team Brown’s Mom with a Nerf Gun. Nate Chauncey takes MDMA and gets date raped and robbed. That’s just bad.

Until next week, follow me on twitter at @MadMax3967, send hate mail to, and be jealous.

Comrade_Snowball's Game Recap #1 Stray Observations

Stray Observations

Idiotic players weren’t the only thing I noticed. Take a look at some of the other things that’ve caught my attention!

- Marvia Jones and Natalie Chauncey – you knew I was bound to mention this scene; it’s one for the highlight reel. Sex scenes are always common, but sex on ecstasy? Marvia propelled her popularity into the stratosphere with that choice. She’s unleashed a torrent of fanfics, pairing her with everyone from Jared Clayton to Alicia White! I’m quite sure no one expected the ending to that. Natalie won’t die from not wearing a bandanna, but she’s definitely going to have some problems linking with her team, what with Marvia now impersonating her. Marvia, definitely a late-gamer and one to watch.

- As I’ve noted before, the weaker teams are clearly becoming visible. Black Team and Grey Team have had several early game bumps, and Green Team still has that mentor handicap to get over.

- Bobby Goldman and Axel Stadler have proven to be quite brilliant strategists, displaying a knack for creative thinking when it comes to scavenging for supplies and making due with what they have. I expect a real fight from them.

- Sidney Rice, Timothy Walker and Karen Ruiz have established themselves as early game players. Not sure what exactly Jonas Jeffries plan is, (his actions are a little too bizarre and I can’t peg him down as a villain or not) but it is fairly obvious from Sidney’s behaviour she was looking for a kill on Joshua Doyle. I didn’t expect Karen Ruiz to swing toward murder quite so fast, if at all. Definitely a bonus to the Purple Team, one I did not count on initially.

- Timothy Walker is proving to be an absolute joy to watch, and a natural on camera. So many students forget the cameras’ are there, but following him it seems like everything is one big joke, and the viewer is the only one in on it. Aside from him of course. Pure gold, that kid.

- I was pleased to see some students actually showing an appreciation for their costumes. Mae St. Clair in full Kimono was a sight for the ages, (as was her stripping shortly after) and Sidney and Panya Bishara look to have no intention of ditching their respective costumes.

- Alicia White has proven to be quite the spacey one, nearly getting her head blown off after forgetting to affix her bandanna. Really? Liability if I ever saw one.

- Some students have been noticeably absent so far. Lost in the jungle perhaps?

That’s all for now folks. Stay tuned to Survival of the Snarkiest for more coverage!

Comrade_Snowball's Game Recap #1 The Idiot Box

The Idiot Box

SotF: TV has had a long running tradition of idiotic or cannon fodder players. I think it would be fitting to take a moment now, point out a few kids who aren’t just cutting it, for one reason or the other

- Bob Lazenby - Every season has them, the whiners who bundle up into a ball, sobbing away until a bullet puts them out of their misery. Bob has not had a strong start, and has proven utterly useless. (Another handicap for the Black Team...)

- Ben Grayson – Now I know what you’re thinking. Ben has been given an ideal weapon for the early stages, the ability to disguise himself as a member of any team he may choose. But his methods have been pitiful at best. Throwing on a bandanna at random, he’s been trudging around, approaching random players, even when the bandannas clearly show an opposing team. I’m surprised he hasn’t been killed yet. Bad luck for Pink Team, their strategic weapon, stuck with by far one of the dimmest bulbs we’ve seen yet on SotF: TV

- John Benson – John had a particularly good stroke of luck, running across Jhamel Thompson and Brenda early on. The potential for an alliance was there, but John quickly established himself as a stuck up jerk, hitting Brenda with her own weapon, showing a lack of respect for April Stone and antagonizing Jhamel, seeking a weapon trade. It’s come back to bite him in the ass, his behaviour has led to his exclusion from the potential alliance. Youch.

- Jonas Jeffries – I pegged this jitterbug as an entertainment source, and boy was I right. Almost immediately Jonas was up and about, surprising a group of SDA students with his MAC-10. Unfortunately for Jonas, not being one of the smartest, he didn’t bother to read the manual, and after being surprised by Vincent Sullivan he was off. The resulting gunfire was spectacular, but didn’t result in any kills. He’s as good as dead as soon as the others get their bearings.

- Todd Hudson – I can overlook Todd mistaking Marcus Walker’s Yellow Bandanna for a Gold one. A stupid decision, but understandable. But as soon as he opened his mouth, Todd secured the status as “Mr. Too Dumb to Live”. Really Todd? Nigga? To the pissed off black boy?

- Natalie Chauncey, taking candy from strangers. Jees. First she gets snuck up on and nearly shot, next, she's taking pills with some girl in the park? Brain dead much? I wonder if this girl has a death wish or something...

Comrade_Snowball's Game Recap #1 PART 2

A lot of friends and lovers have been broken up over the years in SotF, but this is the first season where it isn’t technically the end. The “10 Kills” dynamic is back; sure it involves getting your hands soaked in blood, but now more than ever our players have options. Anyone could beat the odds; kill ten and a free ticket home, regardless of who is left in the game. Could Jack be taking that option, hoping Holly and the Black Team join him? He’s a pacifist, but we all know that means nothing on SotF: TV. It’s possible to assume a lot of these early game players are going for the 10 Kills.

With the mention of Holly, another important topic has just come to mind; team desertion. Yes, only one color will survive to the finale, but behind the bandannas are friends, and potentially allies. Every game without fail we seem players making alliances, some temporary, and some right up until the final bullet, even though there can be only one survivor. I’ll be blunt; those bandannas mean shit to the players at present. Alliances are still being formed based on friendships, and that won’t stop. Brenda Hernandez has managed to create a shaky alliance between members of the Brown, Red and Gold team, with minimal shouting and minimal paranoia. (Although John Benson has potentially spoiled Gold Teams chances with this alliance, given his recent actions.) Elsewhere Madelyn Connor and Mikaela Warner have done the same, the sole reasoning being THEY KNOW EACH OTHER. This isn’t a game breaker; the teams will eventually come into play, especially later on as alliances fall apart. At the moment teams are scattered and for the most part unknown. Some players are instantly buying into the team dynamic, but two schools are competing, remember that. Madelyn and Mikaela’s reasoning makes a whole lot more sense when you consider that half the kids out there come from Detroit, complete unknowns to them. A shaky alliance, yes. But understandable. I know if I was in SotF, I’d want a friend at my back, even if one of us were ultimately going down in the end. Trust is a big thing in SotF, and the divide behind the schools has kept many players searching for friends first, over team-mates.

Will all these school alliances stand strong as the game continues? We can’t be sure. The idea of four other people who are depending on you and your cooperation is one that is sure to weigh heavy on Holly’s shoulders, even now as she ditches her fellow Black Team members. For the moment however, they’ll have to live with the handicap. In a similar vein is Tristan Hart, sure to make the rest of his team’s blood boil before too long. Unbeknownst to him, Grey Team had a single gun, now currently residing at the bottom of the tar pits. How will they take it, when they find out Tristan has thrown away their best chance at survival? Tristan may not have deserted his team, but he might as well have. These handicaps could prove to be game changing, and have thrown Black Team and Grey Team to the back of the pack for now. I can’t help but wonder how will the mentors react, their team members making alliances with friends over team-mates?

It’s still a little too early to say. I’m sure all the mentors are watching their teams’ actions carefully, and have been preparing for every situation. Now, I’ve been lurking the boards and hearing that many people are dissatisfied with the slow start. Sure, it may appear that way at first glance. But if you stop a moment to look a little deeper, you’ll see what a treat we’re in for. Expect big payoffs in the days to come.

Comrade_Snowball's Game Recap #1 PART 1

From the start of this season, I knew there would be issues within the groups. I was apprehensive, thinking this Season would end up being a test run of sorts. I was worried the team dynamic simply wouldn’t WORK the first time around, result in a quick game as one overpowered team swept across the island, entertaining, but boring.

The entire situation brings to mind SotF TV: Season 14; the shortest game we’ve ever had clocking in at just under 18 hours. (The ultimate winner being Georgia “Hatchet” LaLourvey.) Like Season 65, Season 14 was a time of change, upheavals within the SotF organization, and rule changes in an attempt to liven things up. The low ratings of Season 14 killed nearly all attempts at innovation thereafter, and while we can’t tire of good ol’SotF, I sometimes can’t help but look back and wonder... What would have happened if the new rules had worked as planned? Would SotF: TV be the same great show we know and love, or would it be worse? Perhaps it might be something entirely new, refreshing and spectacular with its own distinct style? We’ll never know. If one good thing came out of Season 14, it was the new attitude displayed by the SotF Crew, hesitance to tweak with the pitch perfect formula. SotF: TV went back to modification and fine-tuning rather than flashy gimmicks, pleasing long time fans and bringing in many more. It was this behaviour that showed just how dedicated and hardworking the crew of SotF are. To them, it isn’t a job. They are artists, and they deeply care about their craft. I worried, but my fears were misplaced, SotF has heard my concerns, and put them to rest long ago. They waited 65 Seasons to implement teams, and it is anything but unbalanced. In fact, this season looks to be far more interesting then even I had expected!

The random starting location has been a staple of SotF for many seasons, and its back yet again. In a nice move from the producers, very few team-mates have been dropped together, no early game overpowered roaming death squads to be seen! While I initially assumed this meant “instant bloodbath” as opposing teams picked off enemies, the opening has been pretty slow to start. But hey, some games are just like that. This entire team dynamic has thrown off even the SotF lovers, it’s something completely new and it looks like everyone is a little hesitant to approach it right away. What I honestly wasn’t expecting was cross-team alliances, something quite a few players have suggested already, Peter Campbell for one. The topic has been popping up a lot within groups, and I can see why it’s an attractive idea. Double the number of attackers, you double your chances at succeeding. Not an assured spot in the finals, but it definitely has its advantages. I can see trouble with it down the road though, namely backstabbing and team-wipes, which are sure to occur if any teams get this plan off the ground. It won’t be a rousing success by any means, but it’ll be entertaining to watch for certain.

Now, I know the producers have assured us time and again that, like for every season, teams and weapons were rolled completely at random. However, every so often I see a coincidence that just makes me think “Yeah, sure. THAT wasn’t totally planned.” I’m talking about the selection of Jack Lemmon for “Loner Boy”, the team-less wonder who many predict to be going out before half. Jack certainly got the short stick, and I’m not saying his death isn’t still a certain thing, it is, don’t worry. But come on, look at him. The producers DO have a heart. He’s drawn a revolver to defend himself with, and he’s already found Holly Herchenroder, his girlfriend. His odds of survival are still minimal, but then again… Holly has grenades. And her running off with Jack, abandoning team-mate Harold Smythe, it looks like he DOES have an ally after all! Likewise, I’m going to chalk up the alliance between Mae St. Clair, Shawn Morrison and Zachariah Johnston as direct producer interference. These characters all have strong links to one another if the promo material is anything to go by. Too often potential plot arcs have been killed off with the death of an important player, and it looks like in recent seasons, the producers have been trying to find ways to stymie that, although not directly. Y’know, I’m going to say I appreciate that. Zach and Shawn are sure to have a confrontation over Mae before too long, which may not have been assured otherwise. That will definitely be one of this seasons most watched clips, I can assure you!

Promo Material #1

Hiya gentleman and lesbians! Its me, Ajax-Kun, rocking on up with another post!

I did promise Comrade_Snowball I’d do a quick analysis of Larry Loner, but screw that. I have managed to get full access to the Promo material for Detroit Central High. Thank you Pirate Bay!

I have decided against hogging the limelight (Read; I’m to lazy to write much) and have just chosen to focus on a few of what I though were the more interesting episodes of the Promo material. For those of you unfamiliar with what the Promo material is, it’s a pay-per-view stalker cam kind of deal, which allows you to glimpse into their lives. It’s pretty creepy, and pretty cool. Also, incredibly depressing, when you look out over the crowds of people and realise that they all have families and at most 5 are coming home.

The first of my highlights, has got to be “When Its Time To Party, We Will Party Hard!” It starts of pretty normally, with some crappy dance music and The guy with the unpronounceable surname (Skyler Thsani) chatting to Fireman wannabe (Bobby Goldman). Pretty standard fare.

Then, Amber shows. Cue a million jealous stares against Fireman wannabe as he gets an Amber hug. Then sexy dancing.

I love that girl, so fucking much.

Then, the host of (one of my favourite campy web-cam shows) turns up. Awesome jokey intro, awesome melodrama. So much awesome it sounds like the pitch to another crappy Michael Bay movie!

Then Wannabe fireman goes on a rant about how he totes can dance, using possibly the homophobiest of homophobic insults ever. It was kinda funny. And I’m Bi, so I should be offended!

Blah, blah, blah, fights, acting hard. Just like every (One) downtown party I’ve been to. *Yawn*. I’m sure theres some shipper fuel in there, but It’s 2 AM in the fraking morning. I’ll leave that to Kawaii and Holly (Wheres that Fanfic Holly, I want me some yaoi! I am disappoint.)

Come on, we all know I’m just stalling ‘till the lesbian scene.

I just… Have no words to describe… Just…

Uuugggghhhh. HAWT. SO. HAWT.

I have no snark for this. I just have a desire to watch it on loop for a few hours.


Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be doing shit other than masturbating furiously. Right…

Onwards to the ad’awwwable “Beat the Lunch Line”. It is also a fairly unassuming concept, with a group just getting together at lunch and having a nice friendly chat. There’s a lot of Karen wanting everyone to GTFO at the beginning, but she screws off at some point, leaving the more friendly people to converse. Luna Lovegood (Alicia White) turns up too, so that’s awesome. Of course she cries about her rather depressing life, but then she decides to get into a rather cute romance.

I love me a good bit of romance, as y’all know, so I put this forward as my Mushy Stuff of the Week.

Right, as always, I love to know what you guys think about this stuff, so chuck up a few comments!

Also, to the guy that linked me to the torrent with these on, I love you!

Also, I hate you. Seroiusly, I need sleep. Its 2 Am. And I’m still on my computer.

Now, if youll excuse me, I’m gonna pass out

The Loner: Analysis by SickKitty

This just in, there's a loner lurking about! That's right, now that all the teams have been leaked, there appears to be one little speck of nothing floating around on TV completely alone.

His name is JACK LEMMON, his weapon is an S&W, he hates guns, and he has ADD. Usually I'd say being teamless would be an advantage- I mean, you're not stuck to kids you hate, there's no stupid mentor to answer too, there's nobody to have obnoxious, adorable sexual tension with- it should be easy sailing! That is, it should be easy sailing if you were someone halfway competent, which this loser really isn't. They put the ONE kid with ADD on a team all by himself, which means there's no one around to tell him to focus. Either he'll slide under the radar so much that he wins by default, or he'll be dead first, but either way I don't care. He's not even that attractive! Lame! Why even put this kid in the competition if they were just gonna screw him over? Does anyone else smell something fishy? No, because no one gives a flying fuck about this kid. Next!

Team Position...or...uh...Self...Position?: The Alone and Royally Boned.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Team 13 Analysis by SickKitty

Right, while I’m waiting for some more lovely little stragglers to get off their asses and really get this game going, I might as well continue onward with the Team Analysis’. We’re already live, so most of you have probably seen the first members of this team wake up, but let’s get better acquainted with the oddball members of Team 13, shall we?

Firstly, does anyone else find it odd that Team 13 is colorless? I mean, come on Producers, did you really run out of colors, or were you trying to be all cool and edgy, what with their mentor?

Speaking, of, let’s talk about her, shall we?

The Mentor- The Mysterious Stranger. Oh good Christ give me a break. There’s literally no info on this chick except that she’s, well, a chick, and like a million feet tall too. You know, I bet she requested her team be Team 13, because it’s all mysterious and cool and blah blah freaking blah. You aren’t interesting, I don’t know you, I don’t care. I mean, seriously, if your only characteristic is that you’re “mysterious” then why should I give a shit about you? Seriously, JARED is a mentor, and you think I care what you have to say Ms. Shadow With a Voice? Ugh, no. Let’s just get onto your pathetic team, shall we?

13A-Zachariah Johnson- Oh boy, another un-cutie. Seriously, where are all the sexy boys? I mean, not that I’m complaining about all the wonderful females, but seriously, I need more abs in my life! Come on boys, try harder! Oh well, Zachariah isn’t much in the looks department, and he has fucking Aspergers. So socially, unless he’s stuck with a bunch of his best buddies, the kid is pretty much screwed. He is a pretty major SOTF fan though, and apparently has some sort of list thing about all the mistakes people make? I’d say that this would help him, but I’ve been watching the show long enough to know that no matter how much prior knowledge you have, it won’t help you when you’ve been shot in the gut by someone bigger, stronger, faster and smarter than you. Weapon- Monkey Wrench. See what I mean? This loser’s not getting anywhere with a weapon as lame as that. I bet he’s one of the first out. Team Position- The Fanboy.

13B- Rishi Kohli- Oh god no. This kid is ug-ly. I may sound superficial but...oh wait that’s right I AM superficial. This kid has a face not even his mother can love. Or at least, I wouldn’t love it if I were his mother. Big eyebrows, chubby face, a MOLE? Uh, give me Kevin again! I didn’t know what I was in for! He plays Cricket, but that’s pretty much useless when it comes to SOTF. I mean, seriously, throwing a ball is gonna help you kill a bunch of other people? Yeah, right. He’s also the only kid who’s not white or rich on the team, so in team he’s pretty well screwed too. Better luck next ti- Oh wait that’s right you won’t get a next time cause you’re dead. My bad. Weapon- Extra Rations. Well at least he can keep himself fed. Not that he’ll need them when he’s dead by Day 2. Team Position: The Foreigner.

13C- Peter Campbell- Hmmm. Not bad Peter, not bad. I am a fan of the stoner look, and he pulls it off quite nicely, if I do say so myself. He’s no Leo, but he’s got the eyecandy potential. Even if he is pretty short. It’s okay Petey, I like a short boy every now and then. Mixes it up, you know? This might be one to look out for from Team 13, if only because he seems more open to making the tough decisions. Of course, he’ll be without his stash, which could leave him in a seriously bad state of mind. I’d keep an eye on him- he could be the best or he could be a mess, but either way I think he’ll be lots of fun. Weapon- Playboy Magazine. Oh....oh boy. This is almost as good as that Dildo. Remember to put your weapon to good use, Peter, the whole world is watching! And by the whole world, I mean me, of course. Team Position: The Wild Card.

13D- Simon Porter- Oh god a shortstuff. This kid is smaller than I am! Hey now, that’s no way to make a Lady feel good about herself, now is it? I’d be shocked if a gust of wind didn’t rip him in half. Not to mention he’s a sickly thing too. He may have a love of the outdoors, but if you run out of breath while fleeing from the guy trying to kill you, your appreciation for trees isn’t gonna do shit for you. This kid is useless in so many ways that it hurts just looking at him. Weapon- Stun Gun. Well, he can stun his enemies, but unless he finds a good rock to bash their brains in, he’s still first out by a mile. Team Position: The Completely Useless One.

13E-Suzanne Lanford- Well this girl just ruined the streak of attractive females this season. Short, too pale, not busty, kinda chubby, not very fashionable? Not even a lick of fanservice from this nerdy lady. And like Simon, she’s sickly too? What is this, the fodder team? Lame! She doesn’t even have any friends she can ride on the backs of, so this girl is dead in the water. Looks like her and Simon will have a nice competition to see who dies first though! Weapon- Pair of Walkie Talkies. Useless weapon for a useless girl. Really not much else to say. Team Position: The Double X.

Overall Analysis: Team 13 is, very fittingly, the most unlucky team on the face of the earth. Useless people, all of them with some sort of problem- chubby poor kid, sickly rich kids, nerdy loners, stash-less stoners. Added to the fact that they got screwed with weapons too- a Playboy Mag is a amazing, but you can’t exactly kill anyone with Ms. November now can you- and their useless and uninteresting mentor and you can pretty much guarantee that Team 13 will be the first whole team eliminated. That is, unless Peter is smart and ditches his team for another. If that happens, he might actually come out farther than any of his teammates, but he’s the only one with the tiniest chance. Team 13 is sure to be obnoxiously boring, but at least they’ll be gone before long.

Blue Team Analysis by sotf67


Most of you guys probably don't know me, being a newbie to the SOTF-TV blogging scene and all, but I figured that I should probably make at least some kind of contribution to the blog instead of simply lurking around and cursing out fangirls (and speaking of cursing out fangirls, I'll apologize to yofu, kawaii!!sotf, that was definitely uncalled for on my part). And thus, I decided to write this analysis. You guys *probably* won't really enjoy reading this, but if you enjoy bland and informative analyses then this is probably for you. But hey, at least it's here.


GENERAL: The Blue Team's mentor is Marie Roux, a minor French diplomat to the UN, and apparently a huge SOTF-TV fan who has gone as far to propose a multinational version of the show where students from each country compete on the behalf of their nation. (That's a great way to earn brownie points in the international community, ask countries to send their teenagers to death *and* make it based on an American game show!) Besides that, there's not too much to say about her, besides the fact that whoever compiled the SOTF-TV character profiles is a failure at research for giving her the label "The Foreign Ambassador", since ambassador is the highest ranking representative of a nation and it's explicitly stated that she's a minor diplomat. But whatever, that's neither here nor there.

PROS: OK, I really don't see much here that's going for her. Sure, she's definitely determined to win, but determination is something that helps with other game-winning attributes, not THE game-winning attribute. She's probably good at negotiating with people and influencing them, being a diplomat, but that's really not going to help here since action is almost always the deciding factor in SOTF-TV. And... well... that's about it.

CONS: Although she doesn't really have many pros, Madame Roux here doesn't seem to have any glaring flaws either. Yes she doesn't have much practical experience, but then again, barely any of the mentors do. Perhaps only thing that really contrasts with the others is that she'd be content with "putting on a good show" - meaning that she might simply choose to go out with a boom rather than actually playing it out the boring but rational way that gets people to the end. It's really hard to know, though, so just keep watching.

OVERVIEW: An OK mentor, I suppose, not a good one, not a bad one. She doesn't have the skills of Lt. Colonel Whatshisname, the experience of Jared, or the endless analysis of MarWIN, but at least she's not Susan Crawford. Still, overall she's probably tilted more to the useless side, but you can't really know until she gets into action.


GENERAL: Jaszmine is the first of the Blue Team students, from Detroit Central High. She's apparently a bit cynical due to one minor bout of job loss and depression by her father, and yet wants help the world though... using fashion design to make donations to charity? What? Excuse my tangent, but that's really as hopelessly naive as it gets, charity hardly ever helps anyone. Ever heard the old adage "greed is good"? It's true in SOTF-TV, and it's true in real life. There's actually nothing else to say about her in general, that's pretty much it about her.

PROS: Well, first off, she's determined and a hard worker. Like I said before of Madame Roux, "determination is something that helps with other game-winning attributes, not THE game-winning attribute". That, and the fact that she has a gun, which now makes her a definite candidate to survive to midgame, at the very least. (Most people who draw a gun do.) And, of course, her determination is now worth ever so much more - good weapon + determination = very potent combination. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised at all if she survives to endgame, I don't see an easy out in her.

CONS: She's cynical, so she might have trouble making allies and cooperating with others. That's about the only "disadvantage" I could glean from her profile, really. In a regular game, this would really not be a problem, and even might be an advantage, as all people in a regular age ARE indeed guided by self interest, but this is a team game, which necessitates cooperation. Her teammates are also not exactly top-tier, and if the girl with the best weapon in the team can't cooperate with them then there could be trouble.

OVERVIEW: Good draw and great determination makes her a decent candidate for surviving until endgame. However, in a team game her cynical attitude might come back to bite her in the back. She can bring this team either up or down - she's got the best draw out of all of them, and could be the top performer, but her attitude might be what breaks the team apart, especially because of her draw. Still, definitely going to be an interesting watch.


GENERAL: Another DCH student. Apparently her parents got separated shortly after she was born, and her mother then remarried. She managed to avoid problematic situations in an environment like Detroit by watching television and learning about these things without actually encountering them (I'm being serious here) to the point of being '"raised by the television". Normally, I would make a joke about us being SOTF-TV addicts and all, but there are *certain* people in the fan community who take the whole thing so seriously that they can't take a joke. Finally, she also took an interest in art, movies, drama, and music, so she's definitely a right-brain kind of person. That about sums it up.

PROS: Really not much going for her. She's definitely creative, but that almost never makes an impact on SOTF-TV unless they go and "create" a way to escape. She's also supposed to have some guaranteed allies, but this isn't much of a benefit in a team game where everyone has guaranteed allies, and could end up detrimental in the sense that she might end up needing to kill these "guaranteed allies". Also, apparently not many people dislike her (not important when half the people don't know you), and can lie well (which often ends badly in SOTF-TV). Yay.

CONS: She's apparently supposed to be loud and annoying, which is not a good thing when your on a team. Did I mention she has a bad draw? And when you can't get along well with others on a team and have a bad draw, well, that's not a good thing. Because of her loudness, she's not good at hiding, which is a bad thing in SOTF-TV when simply hiding can save your life half of the time if you can suck in your pride (which you should). Finally, and most importantly, she's out of shape due to having a sedentary lifestyle, which of course is not a good thing in a heavily physical activity like SOTF-TV. Yeah, it's a bit ironic for people like us to by typing that, but I'm not the one on the island, at least not this year.

OVERVIEW: Not seeing good chances in this one. Her disadvantages greatly outweigh her advantages, and I'm seeing more of a liability to the team then anything. Still, you never know, the artistic/creative types have a tendency to surprise us, it's not a rare occurrence to have one of the top-tier killers or escape artists of the season to be an overlooked artist.


GENERAL: Joshua is one of two students in Team Blue from Silver Dragon Academy (SDA), the other school with students participating in SOTF-TV. Tangent time - What kind of idiot makes the business decision to allow your students to participate in a game show where most (if not all) of your students will die, and also let a teacher participate as a mentor? It's a private school, people, the government may be backing up the show but ultimately whoever owns the school decides. I'm guessing there were bribes involved, but the enrollment at SDA will drop like flies, I assure you. But anyways, Joshua Doyle. He's good academically and something of a nerd if you care to use that word. Before someone tries to say it's ironic that I'm saying that, don't forget we're geeks on this website, not nerds, although I might be considered both. More importantly, however, he also got very severe anger management problems, and requires medicine to keep them in check. Watching people without medicine snap - one of the great pleasures of SOTF-TV. That's all that's of interest about him.

PROS: He learns quickly and thinks logically, that's good. However, much as people like to try to think otherwise, skill (and weapons, for that matter) in SOTF-TV is about what you've got at the start, not about what you get over time, either you survive the crucial early game or you don't. Decent memory as well, but I don't see that helping much to be completely honest. His weapon's not horrible, but not great either. It does put him above all the others who've drawn complete junk, though, I'll say that much.

CONS: Ah, where to begin, where to begin? First off, his anger management problems, he's not going to be getting any medication on his island and seeing him explode will be quite amusing. Of course, it'll also be quite detrimental, too, anger is no substitute for skill and calm, rational thinking in battle, as we've seen so many times before in SOTF-TV. His weapon's not exactly a good thing to be using while angry, either. He's also somewhat weak arm-wise, which isn't good, especially without a decent gun.

OVERVIEW: Joshua's disadvantages greatly outweigh his advantages, as he's got anger management problems and dependency to medicines to control it to boot! Definitely going to be amusing to watch him lose his head in anger, idiomatically and maybe even literally. I definitely predict he'll get "Most Amusing Death", folks.


GENERAL: The last of the DCHers here in Blue Team. He's apparently very dynamic personality-wise, and something of a loner. Also, he's the second cynic in this team, along with Jaszimine of course. He's also a pragmatist as well, choosing solely based on reason. When he talks to others, he's brutally honest and wants everyone else to do the same. Interestingly, he believes that everyone has "layers" and that he simply has more of them then others, whatever that might mean. He's also a big SOTF-TV fan, it's always fun to have 'em. Along the way, he's picked up decent reflexes and knife skills, so he's not totally lacking in valuable skills. Finally, he's got insomnia and is a bit paranoid in the dark, so a very interesting combination of traits overall.

PROS: Pragmatism is always a good thing on SOTF-TV, the people who tend to die the most are the most inflexible ones. Reflexes and weapons skills are good, even if it's only with a knife, as I've said before, the skill you start with is the skill that will carry you through. If only he started with Joshua's weapon, though, his skills would be usable immediately and with a decent weapon to boot. Finally, he's got knowledge of SOTF-TV, which is always a sizable benefit, although not as much as some would like to think (I'm looking at you, MarWIN).

CONS: He's not a team player. That's never really a good thing when you're playing a team game, obviously. He's a bit lacking in strength, but that's not a huge problem when he's got some speed and dexterity to back him up. Insomnia is also not a good thing, alertness is crucial when you're in SOTF-TV. His paranoia in the darkness may not be as detrimental as one may think, though, it could very will help counteract his insomnia, although it might just make him lose sleep for no reason at all. Also, his weapon sucks.

OVERVIEW: Definitely an interesting person, could go either way. Probably not exactly endgame material, but he might be able to get to the midgame and provide us with a couple of interesting scenes. If he can get his knowledge to work, then he might be able to get a little further, but only might. Not going to make any predictions on this guy, he's totally unpredictable in many ways more then one. Still, maybe one, as I have a feeling his lack of willingness to work as a team will hurt him...


OVERVIEW: The last member of the team and the second SDAer in the team. Note that he's a guy, no matter how his name might fool you. Apparently an early adopter of SOTF-TV, like many of us here, and actually apparently did a SOTF-TV blog once. Not as successful as ours, though, not by a long show. It's actually still floating around on the internet somewhere, google "Lou Becker SOTF-TV blog" if you want to see it for yourself. Also likes violent video games and the infamous place we all know and fear known as /b/. Also, he says he's got nothing to look forward to in life, and shuts himself from the outside world, just waiting for high school to be over. Again, I REALLY want to make a joke here but I know how that'll end, so that's a no-no.

PROS: Well, he's very knowledgeable about SOTF-TV, which like I've said before is a benefit but not as much as one might think. Also is "intelligent", but intellect doesn't count for much when you're on the other end of a gun. The machete's an OK weapon, at least it's usable. That's it, really. Nope, he doesn't have much going for him.

CONS: He's fat and out of shape, which is always a bad thing when you're up in close combat or trying to avoid getting shot or one of the other hundred things you need to do in SOTF-TV that needs at least some physical fitness. He's also unpopular and anti-social, which of course is less of a problem in a team game then a regular game due to the already guaranteed. Still, he needs to at least get along with his teammates, and being antisocial doesn't really help.

OVERVIEW: Yet another liability to the team. He's got nothing the team needs and isn't much of a team player, and he's not very fit and likely to slow them down. Another early out, maybe another of the team members could use the machete. Really not much more to say about him, besides that anyone who says SOTF-TV knowledge is a gamewinning is horribly, horribly, wrong.


Blue Team is not horrible, as far as teams go, they have a couple of decent people and at least one gun. The mentor and some of the students are a bit lacking, but most of them have *some* redeeming qualities. I have doubts they are going to survive to the endgame, but they hardly look like one that will be quickly eliminated, like Brown or worse yet Green. As for how entertaining they will be, it'll be simply about how they'll play, I think they'll be a decent watch for those like me who could care less about shipping. And... yeah, that about sums it up.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Green Team Analysis by MidnightQ


Greetings again readers,

It’s MidnightQ once more. This time I’ve come to share with you my thoughts on Green Team. Enviro-Team, Conserva-Team, or whatever you want to call them has made it into my possession. Or rather, the leaked data that is the team roster has made it into my possession. I can say with absolute certainty that Green Team is by far the most interesting exercise in publicity stunts I have ever seen on the show. (Barring of course the stunt pulled with the fifth season. Truly unforgettable.) And I can say also that I just might not be overly harsh in my judgments. This assumes of course that the members of Green Team are even worth my time. Only a look at the roster will tell me for sure.


The first part of the incredible ratings gamble that is Green Team is also perhaps the most interesting part. For none other than Susan Crawford has been chosen to mentor Green Team. Susan, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for what happened to Erin. What she endured was an atrocity and testament to the extent of the horrors man can inflict upon our fellow man. Truly such terrible things should never be given the chance to occur. Even if such events provided endless hours of discussion and debate over just how long that kind of thing needs to go on before it becomes ‘totally lame’, pardon my vernacular. (Oh and there’s also the bonus of that footage being a great case study for psychology studies. I highly recommend using it and seeing what comes up in the following course discussion.)

Anyway, that’s beside the point. What is the point of this analysis is seeing how good Miss Crawford is for the team. (It is Miss Crawford, correct? I don’t want to assume things about your marital status. Why that would be almost as rude as you are to most everyone you speak with.) I can say that despite her position and methods, inane as they are, Miss Crawford is actually quite a good fit. She’s studied SOTF almost religiously. If she weren’t such a vehement opponent you could almost make a case that she’s the biggest fan of the show there is. (Apologies to everyone else wanting that title.) The only problem is I don’t see her actually using that wealth of knowledge for the good of the team. No doubt she’s going to try and get to them to escape. While that’s always good, and entertaining, the incredibly low rates of escape over the course of show indicate that it isn’t wise to focus all your effort on escaping. So much for giving out strategies to help them beat out all their opponents.


GRN1: Sean Davidson

Excuse me while I make a copy of the photograph that came with the roster. There. That should do it. Now before I distract myself further I should get on with my analysis. The athleticism will come in handy, I suppose. It isn’t much but it is better than what most of the contestants thus far have going for them. What interests me more is his mind. (Not in that way. Though perhaps sometime in the future when such things become viable…) Every so often, you can just tell that some people were just born in the wrong century. Sean is one of those people. His interest in history, philosophy, basically anything about the ‘old world’ is most intriguing. To be honest I doubt it will do him much good, but it is nice to see someone this day and age actually using his or her mind for more than gratification of base desires. (As fun as they are to gratify.) As for his weapon, I do fear he could have gotten a better one. A Super Soaker, even a monster one, isn’t particularly effective compared to other, more lethal, weapons in play. My prediction for him is as follows: He’ll die quick if he doesn’t find the rest of his team soon. That weapon will not help him.

We as a species need people like Sean. People who aren’t going to forget the progress we’ve made in such a short time. Even if that progress has resulted in today’s world, as bad as it is sometimes, it is still progress. Good to know that someone hasn’t forgotten that we’ve only made it this far on the wings of those before us. Sean, thank you for your interest in the world before. You deserve better than this. (But we don’t all get what we deserve now do we? To that end, he’ll be fun to watch.)

GRN2: David Myerez

Just how do you pronounce that last name? Is it Me-yers? Mi-ye-rez? (I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.) Anyway, Green Team does seem to have a good bit of eye candy. (It’s just my opinion though. There’s no need to go spreading it around.) It seems he’s got a bit of MacGyver in him. Well maybe he’s not that good but still. His skill with a skateboard probably won’t get to be shown off, but his ability going all parkour might. We’ll see on both counts. What worries me is his mental state. Seems the poor boy was in a rather nasty accident, and his girl/friend got killed. (I’m not sure what exactly she was to him. My info doesn’t say. I’ll have to talk to someone at his school after the season ends.) He changed a lot after that. Having been so close to death, I wonder how he’ll handle being even closer. Trauma like that does mysterious things. Makes you wonder how he’ll use that Gladius of his. (I hope he keeps to proper technique. Those things are harder to use than they look. Yes I have used one. I’ll relate the tale later.) My prediction for him is as follows: We’ll see a spectacular show when he comes across death or is forced to kill someone. Mark my words. It will be epic.

Having seen death so close, maybe he’s more aware of his mortality. Might he be more ready than the common man to shuffle off his mortal coil? Does he believe in the existence of the soul? Of life after death? Is any of this speculation relevant? All that and more will be answered as we observe our friend David during his run on SOTF-TV. I can’t wait.

GRN3: Alexis “Lexi” Allwell

Well all’s well that ends well. But this won’t end well. So it probably won’t be well. (I’ll stop now.) First thing sweetie, lose the spray-tan and we’ll talk. It doesn’t suit you, in my opinion. (Though I admit to bias, as I don’t think it suits anyone.) That small frame will certainly come in handy staying hidden. And that rope and grappling hook have many uses. Though most of them take time, which she may not have when discovered. Lexi’s shyness concerns me, as anyone with a good presence might influence her in a bad way. Her time spent playing tennis should have her be in shape enough to run away if she finds herself in a bad spot. I’ll assume so until I see otherwise. Though I just have to say that the spoiled-child thing she got with her parents will not help her on the show. And from what I’ve heard, she doesn’t really like the show when there isn’t an escape going on. (I’ll have to verify that. It’s all based on info from message boards that she’s posted on. At least I assume it’s her. Who knows, it could be someone completely different.) My prediction for her is as follows: She’ll hide a lot. It’s the only way I see her staying alive until the group finds each other.

Alexis is definitely going to have to come out of her shell during the game. And she’d going to take a crash course in learning how to use what you have when you don’t have what you want. Good lessons. If she survives, I think I’ll just splurge and buy her whatever anything she might ask me for. It’s the least I can do for her, as I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun to follow on her journey into the heart of darkness. (I’ve just realized I’ve used that exact same line in an analysis of a previous season. Oh well, I like it too much to change it.)

GRN4: Chelsea Roberts

Chelsea is moderately attractive. (Meaning I’d have to strike out on some good finds before I consider her.) No offense Miss Roberts, but I’ve seen better. (Like BLK5.) Still, I’m not judging entirely by looks. Doing so is shallow and uninformed. And there’s nothing more annoying than being uninformed. And that’s what I like about Chelsea. She’s anything but uninformed. She’s got so much info in that head, and she can recall it in great detail. Though I wonder if it’s all just book-smarts. It sure seems that way. My advice for her is she needs to open up to others a bit more. She won’t last long if she doesn’t learn to live in the real world. (Well, SOTF-TV isn’t exactly the best place to start but she can’t exactly pick somewhere else to start now can she?) That aluminum baseball bat she’s got should help to fend off attackers. Assuming, of course, that’s she has to will and the way to swing it. (Pun unintentional.) I swear it’s almost as if the monkey interns are psychic or something. They always seem to know what to give someone to make it very difficult for him or her to survive. At least, that applies to people I’m interested in. My prediction for her is as follows: Her knowledge won’t do her much good unless she can get a gun. Then I can see her as a powerhouse. Here’s hoping.

One thing I’ve learned about the world is that you can’t categorize everything into neat little compartments. Not in the real world. The world of fiction is all for that. The world of our minds thrives on it. But real people are just too unpredictable for categorization. (On a small scale. Large-scale cases, we’re like cattle.) Chelsea’s got the brains to be a star here. I wonder if she’ll live up to my expectations. (And the expectations of her parents. And her fans.)

GRN5: Michael Clark

Who is like God? That’s what Michael’s name means. Interesting factoid there. And really, he’ll needs God’s help to live long enough to ditch that butter knife. (A butter knife, seriously? I knew those monkey interns were psychic.) Still, when it comes to pure physicality Michael’s got most of the students in the show beat. I can see him easily overpowering most everyone he comes across. But the game isn’t all about the rough and tough stuff. No, much of the game is won with mind games, subtle plans, and the cunning to abuse other’s weaknesses to the fullest. His interest in music and literature won’t help him much. Though I applaud his effort into becoming more cultured than most people, the simple facts are that no book or song in the history of the world has even blown someone’s face off. (Although I read a comment one time assuring me that exact thing had happened. I’m still investigating.) All I can say is, he better get a good weapon soon. Then he’ll be a real good bet to win. My prediction for him is as follows: If he meets a kid with a gun and an itchy trigger finger at the start, it’s goodbye. If he meets a melee weapon user, then I’d say he’d get a decent weapon. Late in the game, if he makes it that far, he’ll be a favorite for victory.

I wonder if his parents knew what they were proclaiming over Michael’s life when they named him. Could God be on his side? Might he have an angel looking out for him? Will his life settle centuries of debate and definitively prove or disprove the existence of God? Most likely not, as I see little connection to the spirit world in him. But surely that world is more real than this one. After all, this world is but a fleeting dream.


Green Team’s got a lot of good players on it. They don’t have good weapons, but relieving undeserving kids of good weapons should alleviate their problem. If they do all survive long enough to form up as a team, I predict they’ll be real power hitters. The students, the second-and-final-part of the publicity stunt known as Green Team, are an interesting bunch. I can see a wealth of entertainment from their time on the show.

Oh, and I have a parting word with Miss Crawford. Shouting expletives at people and raising your voice aren’t conductive to rational discussion. If you really want to change how people see SOTF, then please explain your points calmly. I enjoy a good shouting match as much as the next person, but I’ve just about had it with you Miss Crawford. And not everyone thought your sister’s death was ‘the most awesome thing ever that season’. Some of us thought it was a little too much, even for SOTF. (Though looking back at it, I can’t say for certain which side of the fence I’m on. I think maybe a few more viewings should cement my thoughts on it. I haven’t watched that remix video in a long time.)


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Purple Team Analysis by Comrade_Snowball

Hey folks, it’s Comrade_Snowball again! Back with another Team Analysis’, this time we’ll be checking out the Purple Team!

Every season there comes along a select few contestants, those lucky few with the skills and guts to hack it in wilds of SotF. Sometimes these clear frontrunners don’t do nearly as well as we hope. All the gun training and parkour skills in the world can’t save you when you’re bleeding from a gut shot, half a world away. Jared Clayton was not one of those people. He was by all accounts, an early out. But Jared had the one thing his competitors didn’t count on. Willpower.
While the rest of the mentors this year are “experts” Purple Team is truly blessed to have the only mentor with legit experience. Jared Clayton came out of nowhere to win in SotF, and more importantly, he came out of the ordeal sane. With that kind of credentials, it would be beyond stupid for anyone on the Purple Team to ignore his advice. Jared has the brains and first hand knowledge to take his team far, well past the half-mark, well into the finals!

Madelyn Connor
Traits: Athletic, Anger-Issues, White Knight Syndrome, Inattentive
Weapon: Glow Sticks
Madelyn Connor has what it takes to be a true contender, if it weren’t for a few nagging details. As we all know, trust is one of the weakest traits to have in SotF. Madelyn not only has trust in spades, but she has the unfortunate “White Knight Syndrome” as well. With a poor weapon draw, I can picture her jumping into harms way early on, and getting shot well before Purple Team’s mentor can set her on the right track. Even if Jared somehow manages to rein her in, Madelyn is far too dull-witted to last. Expect her to die via trap or by her own stupidity before half. Sorry Jared, just can’t save them all.

Amber Lyons
Traits: Whore, Cunning, Bisexual, Beautiful, Weak
Weapon: Short Spear
Now this is someone Jared can put to good use! Amber is the ideal player during the opening stages of the game. She’s one to quicken the pulse, and that can definitely be used to her team’s advantage. As often as we see the age old “Black Widow” Gambit, it never fails to work. If she’s not afraid to loosen a few bra-straps, she’ll make a kill or two easy before having to revise her plan of attack. And if Amber manages to get her hands on a gun she could make it to the end under Jared’s guidance, cackling all the way off the Island.

Karen Ruiz
Traits: Loner, Cautious
Weapon: Glock
Not much to say about Karen. She appears to be a wild card! It’s impossible to say what way she’ll swing; she’s either a player or early game victim. Whatever way she goes, expect a lot of contestants going “Huh? Who’s Karen?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict mid game death, her gun passed on to a more useful team member.

Cesar Perdomo
Traits: Stoner, “One of Us”, Tall, Gun Experience, Follower, Friendly
Weapon: Febreeze
Poor Cesar! One of the few with actual gun experience, and he’s drawn a can of Febreeze. Best hope you run into Karen early on Cesar. Actually, your team better hope you have the guts to actually open fire! All the experience in the world can’t help you if you can’t bring yourself to end a life. I’m sure Jared knows that first hand, after his clash with Mike Martelli during his own SotF run. If anyone can bring Cesar around, it’s Purple Team’s Mentor though. If Jared succeeds, I think we can expect a somewhat guilty Cesar slinking his way into end game.

Sterling Odair
Traits: Athletic, Popular, Bisexual, Depressed, Anxiety Problems
Weapon: Hatchet
Well, in any other case I’d say Purple Team has found their on0site leader! Of course, Sterling has some issues to work out. Rather sad to see, the kid would make an excellent commander, for those willing to listen. A lot of “ifs” involved with Sterling. IF he can keep from cracking, IF he can link up with his team, IF Jared can give him good enough instructions… I can see Sterling making it to end game, but I can just as easily see him getting knocked off halfway through.

Jared has some work to do. His team isn’t the most heavily armed, and there will definitely be problems convincing certain members to play by his rules. Still, that doesn’t rule Purple Team out. Some of the most stacked teams have been given terrible mentors, and Jared is sure to give them a perspective unlike any other. Madelyn is as good as gone but Amber and Cesar are practically guaranteed a spot in the finals. I wonder if any of the others will be joining? Don’t rule out Purple Team. They might not have brute force, but they’ll soon have the one thing the other teams don’t. Willpower.

Red Team Analysis by Killer_Toaster

Hey, KT here for Survival of the Snarkiest. You know how it is, you're waiting for the next season to start up, and in comes Snowball (maybe I should've taken "Napoleon" as a screenname...) with an invite. What better blogger to take part in these things than the guy who won with a fucking toaster and got three kills with it before switching out, I guess. So there's a few changes this season, and thanks to good ol' MARwin (MarWIN? Gah, whatever) we've got the docs to go over. You've probably seen some of the other team evaluations, so I don't have to explain too much, though I seem to be the only one who's noticed the literal class warfare going on. I've got Red Team to start with, and it looks like they've got a pretty interesting lineup. Got the two Fs if you catch my drift: firepower and fanservice. I mean, every season seems to have at least a couple girls with pretty faces, really nice tits and often a lot to live for. Wonder if the execs pick by cup size? Either way, Red Team's ladies are definitely getting invitations to a hotel room of mine if they all make it out; failing that, I see a lot of fic comin'. Well anyway, they've got some nice weapons between them and an interesting mentor, so let's have a look. These guys could go places.

Mentor: Lieutenant Colonel Max Briggs
Ah, the military man. I feel kinda bad for him getting stuck with this lot, but maybe it'll do the team some good. The disciplined approach should make things interesting, at least, especially since he doesn't seem too fond of the team he landed with. His uber-serious nature will either help the kids or just clash badly with their outlooks and the other mentors' personalities.
Pros: The guy's a military officer; he's got experience fighting for his life and leading men and stuff. If that doesn't help these guys, nothing will; he knows how to whip a group into shape and turn 'em into a fighting force. If they listen up and actually take what he says to heart, they might have a good chance of making it.
Cons: Well, for one he expects way too much of a bunch of highschool kids. They're not going to turn into a badass commando squad overnight, and I could see him getting frustrated at their abilities. He also doesn't have the kind of familiarity with the game a lot of the other mentors bring in. That's going to trip him up, I bet, and it could bite Red Team right in the arse.

Marvia Jones
Weapon: Steyr AUG
Mmm, see what I mean about fanservice? People like Miss Jones are brought in at least partly to draw eyes to the screen, even if they're not exactly looking at her face. I certainly wouldn't be... um, yeah, depending on how things go she could be a real asset to the team. She's got the best weapon of the bunch, and if the mentor reins in that temper of hers it could do a lot of good. She's used blades, too, so get her one of those as backup and she could be pretty good combat muscle. Wouldn't trust her with a much more important role, but really, combat muscle is pretty damn important in SOTF.
Pros: She's got a damn assault rifle, for one, which gives the team a powerful advantage. Like I said, she knows how to use a blade, and did I mention the whole thing about being hot? Damn! Could say that about all three Red Team chicks though, so not gonna note it down again. If she keeps cool and sticks to that friendly side of her it could help with alliances. Overall, if guided right by the mentor there's a good chance of her being a solid member of the team.
Cons: Her temper's the main thing. If the officer can't rein her in or she explodes at the wrong time, it's gonna screw the team over big time, if not outright being a Game Over. There's also her drug dependency; this really isn't the kind of game you want to be a junkie in. If that withdrawal kicks in at the wrong time, it's going to get people killed.

Jeanette Buendia
Weapon: Switchblade
Ooh, sexy Latina chick too. She's got one of the weaker weapons, but a switchblade can still mess you up if someone gets close enough; good stealth weapon, or something for a surprise assault. Apparently she's got some brains, too, that never hurts in this kind of thing; all the firepower in the world won't help someone without the intelligence to use it. That and her resourcefulness should be helpful in the game, as long as she and the others can work together. We're going to find it boils down to that one fact for much of the team; can they actually work with each other, co-exist long enough to turn into an effective force? Bah, it was easier in my day; kill everyone that's not you. It's not gonna work as well that way for this lot.
Pros: She's got the Advantage I Will Not Name, along with intelligence and resourcefulness. That popularity should be useful, maybe it'll help cool otherwise hostile situations down a bit. Overall, decently useful team member.
Cons: Not very physically strong, which is especially disadvantageous when you've a close-quarters weapon. You've got to be like, right in someone's face with a switchblade, and I'm not sure she has the physical power for that kind of fighting. Lack of endurance is another of those game-breaking disadvantages, as is the inability to concentrate on things. If she's not careful, or the mentor doesn't pay her close attention, she's going to be the team's weak link I think. It'd be a shame if she got taken down because she was screwing around.

Jhamel Thompson
Weapon: Colt M1911A1
And here I almost forgot there were any guys on this team. I'll be honest, I like this guy. He's got the mindset for team play, a damn good gun, the determination to carry him far and the body to outlast competition. Not much good in a fistfight, and he's got a messed up idea of how to use a gun, but hopefully he'll find time to work past those issues. What I'm really concerned about is his naive mindset; while trust's a bit more important in this round than in, say, mine, I'm worried he might be talked into letting enemies go or trusting the wrong people. Then there's one of the kids with the biggest potential gone.
Pros: Excellent weapon, I mean that gun's been goin' over a hundred years and it's still better than some modern gear. Physical fitness never hurt in SOTF, nor did the kind of determination this kid's got; loyalty has got people killed before, but not this time. This time it's a good thing.
Cons: Physically fit or not, the kid's a crappy fighter with his fists or a gun. Hope he'll improve. As I said, his biggest Achilles' Heel is his naive attitude. I'd stamp that out if I were the mentor... which I'm not. Shit.

Daniel Renard
Weapon: GPS
Sweet! The GPS is always a damn nice pick, though a bit less useful when you've got allies to deal with. After all, it doesn't exactly tell you if the blip approaching is friend or foe, does it? He's smart and fast, but not much to look at physically. It's good he can keep a good attitude, but what good's that gonna do you if you can't fight your way out of a bad situation? There's no middle ground about this kid; either he'll get far as team support and a scout, or he'll crash and burn. I hope it's the former, really; that kind of thing'd be vital for a team scout if they learn to use it right.
Pros: He's got "street smarts" as the profile calls it, and the GPS is always a vital advantage. Not a game-winner on its own, but a huge leg up. Being good at running and hiding doesn't sound fun, but half the fight is getting away from trouble, trust me. Know when to fold 'em and all that, and this guy will focus on speed and stealth if he's smart. Which he is, apparently. Another one with the right mindset for the game, too.
Cons: Weak and unhealthy, he's not gonna stand a chance in a standup fight, especially as he's pretty much unarmed as far as offensive weaponry goes. He'll have to either scrounge something up or rely on the team for protection. If he picks the wrong time to be cocky, it'll either alienate people or earn him a bullet for his trouble, then there goes a potential asset for the whole group.

Mikaela Warner
Weapon: Shuriken x4
Now there's a useless weapon unless you've been trained to use it, but that's not this one's speciality in the team anyway. Looks like we've got a full-blown aspiring doctor instead of just another hottie, and if she finds something better to defend herself with or her team keeps her covered, they'll find themselves the only one with an actual medic around. Honestly this one was probably luck, but see what I said earlier about having a pretty face, nice tits and a lot of reason to live? She's got the whole package there, and it might be part of what makes the difference. Eye candy for the people at home, loyalty and medical skill for her allies, especially since she's in shape, too. Still, hope she's got a good bra; in shape or no, running around the island with a pair of E-cups bouncing around would be - heh! - murder. ...Why do I see Mikaela/Marvia fics somewhere down the line, though?
Pros: High intelligence should be to the team's benefit, along with her physical fitness and medical knowledge. With so much to live for, I don't see her being the type to let something like SOTF-TV stop her, and I'll keep saying this until people get it: at least half the game is mental, not physical, strength. Knowledge, determination, wits, the very attitude you carry yourself. If you're not afraid to run when the time calls for it, that can come in handy too. The drive to see things through and the knowledge to help her teammates should make her a good member.
Cons: Another one with no fighting ability, and she's not got a lot of upper-body strength. Her weapon is, bluntly, kinda useless; I've tried throwing knife stuff before, and half the time the goddamn things don't even go where you want 'em to. Or don't hit blade-first. She's not gonna do a lot of good when the bullets are flying, and I can see that trusting nature coming back to bite her. It always happens at least once in this game. Speaking of games, looks like we've got one that doesn't watch! A lack of genre-savvy is never good, but this time it might be the death of her.

I've said a good bit about Red Team, but they could really go either way. If they actually stick together and learn to work as one, I could see them getting far or maybe even taking this, but at the same time there's a good chance of it all crashing down. Life is never predictable, not even in SOTF-TV, and while all the pieces are there for this team to do well, the question's if they'll utilise 'em at all. I'll be keeping an eye out, either way.