It has come to my attention that the much-awaited event is upon us. That event, of course, is the next season of SOTF-TV. For the uneducated among you, I am MidnightQ. Those who know me from my solo writing projects, feel free to stir up discussion on how I’ve ‘abased myself concerning the interests of the lowest common denominator yet again’. Those of you of who do not, know that I am as much of an avid fan of SOTF as the rest of you. Comrdade_Snowball has asked me to offer my insight on the new players, and I have accepted the offer. Now then, I do believe it is time to bring a bit more intellectual criticism to the current season.
I have in my possession a leaked copy of the team roster. Yes, the ‘secret surprise’ is the formation of teams. This far into the lifetime of the game, I should have expected no less. In particular, I have a copy of the Black Team roster. Black Team’s insignia is a white skull. I find this rather amusing. A symbol surely meant to inspire fear into the hearts of their enemies will instead end up as a symbol for their inevitable end. Black Team does not consist of winners. Of that you can all be sure. However, this does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of victory. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by such types of contestants before. I do hope that the members of Black Team do not disappoint.
On to the analysis.
I must say I find it hilariously cruel that none other than Pete Finch himself will be mentoring the team. I’m sure you all remember Mr. Finch. The many little jabs taken at him all over the Internet, including this very site, surely indicate such. Well, it seems he’s been given a chance to redeem himself after his incredibly inept blunder back when SOTF was first proposed. The more than superficially interested fans of the show may recall that he was initially propositioned to host it. Of course, he turned it down. Honestly sometimes I do wonder how it would have turned out with him at the forefront. Would it have been the SOTF we all know and love? Or would it have an unrecognizable failure of the worst sort that would have been cancelled and dropped quicker than Mr. Finch’s other ventures back into the world of TV? I’m inclined to think the latter.
Regardless of his personal performance, the matter at hand is whether or not he’ll be any good for the team. I have a definitive answer for that. The answer is no. I made it quite clear that Black Team isn’t made to win, and this choice of a mentor only cements that fact. What good can Mr. Finch possibly bring to the team? Nothing, that is what he brings. He has nothing useful to offer concerning the survival of the members, the strategy of the game, or the leadership skills to guide them to victory as unlikely as that is for them. In summation: he is quite possibly the worst mentor possible to be assigned to the team. This may seem a harsh conclusion. I assure you, the game will be harsher. And this setup will not help.
BLK1: Bob Lazenby
Bob seems to be an average boy. He is of average height, is slightly out-of-shape, and is not particularly attractive. But on average, a contestant’s body type has very little effect on how well they play the game. That depends mostly on the contestant’s mental fortitude. Mr. Lazenby has been assigned a Laser Pointer. Another ‘joke’ weapon, which I am inclined to believe thanks to the frequency that they are assigned to ‘hopeless loser’ candidates, means the producers themselves have no illusions of what’s going to happen to poor Bob. (Hopeless loser being the words of a highly respected fan blog, not mine. You know the one.) So, the weapon given to him will certainly not help his mental state. My prediction for him is as follows: he will die early; most likely one of, if not the first to die. A sad outcome for Bob, an inevitably of life for everyone else, and a convincing argument that there is no meaning to life.
For what meaning does this cold existence have when a child who has no outstanding qualities whatsoever is thrown into a gladiatorial death match for the amusement of his peers, all of them knowing full well he will never make it? It is almost enough to make me cry. Well, actually that was a lie but I want to feel sorry for the poor boy.
BLK2: Natalie ‘Nate’ Chauncey
I’ll be honest. When I glanced at the photo attached to the roster I assumed that ‘Nate’ was a boy. It was nothing more than a cursory glance, but it was enough to make that assumption. Natalie, if you should somehow ever get to read this… I apologize. Anyway, Miss Chauncey is one of those girls that do not seem to understand that thinness does not equate beauty. Oh Miss Chauncey, if only it took root in your mind that the attempts of a consumerist society to redefine beauty into a narrow set of parameters need not apply to you, or any woman for that matter. Though, this advice applies only to your body. Your sense of fashion… well in the words of those more experienced in those matters than I, it ‘needs some work’. Miss Chauncey has been assigned, a Dragunov. An interesting choice, to say the least. It’s becoming more apparent that the producers of the show simply hand off weapon assignments to the interns. If those interns were humans rather than the shrieking monkeys I assume the studio keeps, perhaps situations like this would not happen. My prediction for her is as follows: she is not only physically incapable of using that gun but she is also mentally incapable. Expect her to be nothing more than a burden to her team, assuming she doesn’t take the easy way out.
Another harsh assessment, but not as harsh as the game is going to be. Miss Chauncey, I wish you the best of luck I really do. But I have no illusions of your ability to make it. The game will go to those capable of performing the actions required to make it to the end. Frankly my dear, you simply do not have the capability. Nevertheless, I’ll be rooting for you.
BLK3: Holly Herchenroder
Question for you. What’s more of a mouthful than that name? The answer is, of course, the amount of alcohol one would have to consume to become inebriated enough to believe that this team stands a chance. ‘Why the harsh conclusion already, MidnightQ? You haven’t even talked about Holly yet!’ That is correct reader. And it is unfair. So I’ll talk a little bit about Miss Herchenroder. (God I can feel my jaw breaking already. Let’s call her Holly shall we? Good? Great.) Holly may not be physically imposing, and honestly how many people on this team are… seriously, but mentally she has to be more than up to the task… right? Other than the pot-smoking habit, which I don’t approve of, I can find little fault with her. So why am I so harsh on her. Well it’s not her I’m being harsh on. It’s the rest of her team. Honestly Holly might be the one person who could make it here, especially with those fragmentation grenades she got assigned. It would be even better if she could take useless Nate’s Dragunov. But too bad for Holly, she got stuck in quite possibly the worst team I’ve ever seen. My prediction for her is as follows: the others on her team will drag her down to death. Plain and simple. Sorry love.
Is that not always the case? Are not the true geniuses and excellent people among the populace always dragged down by those not at their level? I am not exactly sure that Holly belongs to the former category, but among her peers on Black Team she may as well be. Holly, I do feel bad for you. I’d love to just take you in my arms and rescue you from the terrible situation you’ll find yourself in. But I can’t because you’re on your way to the Reaper already. Death is inevitability. It will claim us all… but I sure hope it forgets you.
BLK 4: Harold Finston Smythe
Blue. Blue, more blue, and more goddamn blue. I apologize for the cursing but my god is there a reason for this dull and offensive-to-my-eyes color scheme? Aside from the color monotony, Mr. Smythe is physically unattractive as well. But what does that matter? According to his profile here on my desk, he is a gamer and an anime fan. Oh perfect, the two skills that are sure to be more useful than any others on the show. While I am glad that Harold is ‘one of us’ as I’ve heard so many times, the fact of the matter is that the skills gained from playing games and watching cartoons will not help him. (Even if those cartoons come from Japan and are most definitely not of the good-for-young-children kind.) Still, if the older generation is to be believed, perhaps the social and psychological disconnect from the real world all gamers have will help him. And if not, then perhaps his 1927 Thompson A1 MS1B Machine Gun will. (Nice choice monkey interns.) Still, I don’t have my hopes up for him, even with that weapon. My prediction for him is as follows: that gun will pass to someone with the ability to actually use it. He’ll try to be useful, only to fail. I hope that gun passes to Holly.
May I have a word with you, Mr. Smythe? There are more colors out there than blue. But perhaps blue has some sort of special connection to you. Maybe it’s indicative of your sub-conscious awareness of the bleakness of your life. Maybe you’ve somehow tapped into the collective unconscious and emerged enlightened as to your ultimate destiny. Or maybe you just like the color. I can’t speculate on that.
BLK5: Panya Bishara
Panya can I just say that I love you? You are just so lovely that I find myself imagining all sorts of scenarios we could have acted out had you not been selected for the show. Such a waste of beauty, at least she’ll live on in the photos and images she will leave behind. That, and plenty of work-unsafe fiction that will inevitably rise up. (Somehow I have the feeling she’s already appeared in some. I’ll have to investigate.) The one issue I have is this: beauty isn’t anything in this game. Look at the previous seasons Miss Bishara. The gorgeous girls like you think they can just use those looks to their advantage and twist everyone attracted to them around their fingers. It doesn’t work like that. Pretty quickly into the game, you’ll find that if someone wants you for you body… there’s not much stopping them from taking you. Aside from your Firestar M43 that is. Hope you don’t run out of ammo fending off the sexually depraved. My prediction for her is as follows: that charm that she seems to be quite proud of will prove useless within a day. Maybe less. She’ll have to rely on cunning, and will have to use that gun mercilessly if she wants to survive.
Egyptian rose. Flowery language like that is probably nothing new to her. That I’m positive of. But, my little rose, the place you’re going to be in is full of all manner of beasts intent on tarnishing your beauty and leaving you broken. My advice is to grow out those thorns and throw away any ridiculous notions you may have about using that beauty to get ahead. That has never happened as planned and will never happen as planned. Use your head, not your body. Then you’ll go far.
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. This team isn’t made of winners. Whether they are just physically incapable of doing what needs to be done, mentally unfit to handle the consequences and ramifications of their actions if they do perform what is needed, or just plain not suited to the task set before them there is just no running around the cold facts. And the facts are despite their generally well-armed status, they cannot and will not win. And certainly not with the idiotic choice of a mentor; Mr. Finch had his chance back before Season 1, he has no reason to be here now.
Despite the foregone conclusion, I will say that they will certainly be enjoyable to watch. I know I’ll be keeping a close watch on them. I certainly hope you will as well reader. Feel free to discuss my analysis in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinions. For it’s only opinions that sink deep into our minds, take root, and blossom into our choices.