Thursday, April 21, 2011

Team 13 Analysis by SickKitty

Right, while I’m waiting for some more lovely little stragglers to get off their asses and really get this game going, I might as well continue onward with the Team Analysis’. We’re already live, so most of you have probably seen the first members of this team wake up, but let’s get better acquainted with the oddball members of Team 13, shall we?

Firstly, does anyone else find it odd that Team 13 is colorless? I mean, come on Producers, did you really run out of colors, or were you trying to be all cool and edgy, what with their mentor?

Speaking, of, let’s talk about her, shall we?

The Mentor- The Mysterious Stranger. Oh good Christ give me a break. There’s literally no info on this chick except that she’s, well, a chick, and like a million feet tall too. You know, I bet she requested her team be Team 13, because it’s all mysterious and cool and blah blah freaking blah. You aren’t interesting, I don’t know you, I don’t care. I mean, seriously, if your only characteristic is that you’re “mysterious” then why should I give a shit about you? Seriously, JARED is a mentor, and you think I care what you have to say Ms. Shadow With a Voice? Ugh, no. Let’s just get onto your pathetic team, shall we?

13A-Zachariah Johnson- Oh boy, another un-cutie. Seriously, where are all the sexy boys? I mean, not that I’m complaining about all the wonderful females, but seriously, I need more abs in my life! Come on boys, try harder! Oh well, Zachariah isn’t much in the looks department, and he has fucking Aspergers. So socially, unless he’s stuck with a bunch of his best buddies, the kid is pretty much screwed. He is a pretty major SOTF fan though, and apparently has some sort of list thing about all the mistakes people make? I’d say that this would help him, but I’ve been watching the show long enough to know that no matter how much prior knowledge you have, it won’t help you when you’ve been shot in the gut by someone bigger, stronger, faster and smarter than you. Weapon- Monkey Wrench. See what I mean? This loser’s not getting anywhere with a weapon as lame as that. I bet he’s one of the first out. Team Position- The Fanboy.

13B- Rishi Kohli- Oh god no. This kid is ug-ly. I may sound superficial but...oh wait that’s right I AM superficial. This kid has a face not even his mother can love. Or at least, I wouldn’t love it if I were his mother. Big eyebrows, chubby face, a MOLE? Uh, give me Kevin again! I didn’t know what I was in for! He plays Cricket, but that’s pretty much useless when it comes to SOTF. I mean, seriously, throwing a ball is gonna help you kill a bunch of other people? Yeah, right. He’s also the only kid who’s not white or rich on the team, so in team he’s pretty well screwed too. Better luck next ti- Oh wait that’s right you won’t get a next time cause you’re dead. My bad. Weapon- Extra Rations. Well at least he can keep himself fed. Not that he’ll need them when he’s dead by Day 2. Team Position: The Foreigner.

13C- Peter Campbell- Hmmm. Not bad Peter, not bad. I am a fan of the stoner look, and he pulls it off quite nicely, if I do say so myself. He’s no Leo, but he’s got the eyecandy potential. Even if he is pretty short. It’s okay Petey, I like a short boy every now and then. Mixes it up, you know? This might be one to look out for from Team 13, if only because he seems more open to making the tough decisions. Of course, he’ll be without his stash, which could leave him in a seriously bad state of mind. I’d keep an eye on him- he could be the best or he could be a mess, but either way I think he’ll be lots of fun. Weapon- Playboy Magazine. Oh....oh boy. This is almost as good as that Dildo. Remember to put your weapon to good use, Peter, the whole world is watching! And by the whole world, I mean me, of course. Team Position: The Wild Card.

13D- Simon Porter- Oh god a shortstuff. This kid is smaller than I am! Hey now, that’s no way to make a Lady feel good about herself, now is it? I’d be shocked if a gust of wind didn’t rip him in half. Not to mention he’s a sickly thing too. He may have a love of the outdoors, but if you run out of breath while fleeing from the guy trying to kill you, your appreciation for trees isn’t gonna do shit for you. This kid is useless in so many ways that it hurts just looking at him. Weapon- Stun Gun. Well, he can stun his enemies, but unless he finds a good rock to bash their brains in, he’s still first out by a mile. Team Position: The Completely Useless One.

13E-Suzanne Lanford- Well this girl just ruined the streak of attractive females this season. Short, too pale, not busty, kinda chubby, not very fashionable? Not even a lick of fanservice from this nerdy lady. And like Simon, she’s sickly too? What is this, the fodder team? Lame! She doesn’t even have any friends she can ride on the backs of, so this girl is dead in the water. Looks like her and Simon will have a nice competition to see who dies first though! Weapon- Pair of Walkie Talkies. Useless weapon for a useless girl. Really not much else to say. Team Position: The Double X.

Overall Analysis: Team 13 is, very fittingly, the most unlucky team on the face of the earth. Useless people, all of them with some sort of problem- chubby poor kid, sickly rich kids, nerdy loners, stash-less stoners. Added to the fact that they got screwed with weapons too- a Playboy Mag is a amazing, but you can’t exactly kill anyone with Ms. November now can you- and their useless and uninteresting mentor and you can pretty much guarantee that Team 13 will be the first whole team eliminated. That is, unless Peter is smart and ditches his team for another. If that happens, he might actually come out farther than any of his teammates, but he’s the only one with the tiniest chance. Team 13 is sure to be obnoxiously boring, but at least they’ll be gone before long.


  1. Team 13 does, indeed, appear to have everything stacked against them. I have to wonder whether the underdog element is intentional, given the mysterious nature and fanfare surrounding them.

    From early game viewing, you prediction involving Peter seems to be at least somewhat accurate. Right now, it looks like he may be becoming an honorary member of the White Team. We will see if he manages to stick it out.

  2. Just was browsing through some of these old evals. In retrospect, this is actually pretty amusing.

    That Lanford kid was predicted to be "dead in the water."


    Yeah. Guess what happened?