And we're live people! SotF-TV has officially begun, and boy oh boy what a start it is!
Stay tuned here for the remaining team analysis' and updates from our team of bloggers as the game progresses! Rest assured, not a minute will go unreported!
- Comrade_Snowball
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Orange Team Analysis by TheThingInYellow
Greetings, fellow fans and analysis aficionados. Today, I bring you a rundown of one of the more minor teams of the season. Orange Team has been fairly well written off by most major commentators. While, on the surface, this seems more than fair, I will endeavor to show you all why Orange Team actually has potential, if not to carry the game, at least to make it far and make a major impact upon the game.
The Mentor: Dr. Millard Smith
At first glance, one would have to question the logic behind putting a teacher from Silver Dragon Academy in charge of a team containing only a single student from that school. The answer, though, is fairly simple: It is a deliberate slight against Dr. Smith on the part of the producers. Most of the mentors seem to be fairly useless, and Dr. Smith is no exception at the surface level, but a closer look reveals one notable trait lacked by most of the others: motivation. Dr. Smith has been dealt a terrible hand, all claims of randomness aside. His team is specifically contrary to his goals. Unless this man is a genuine saint, he is going to be furious, and what better way to turn his luck around than to cruise through to a surprise win?
Of course, he is undeniably lacking in skill. He is a smart man, though, so I suspect he will be able to learn as he goes. As long as his team lasts a day or two without serious losses, he has great potential as a late bloomer. That aside, the effects of mentors are likely to be fairly negligible, since they are a gimmick, and not the main attraction.
ORA1: Vincent Sullivan
Weapon: Digital Camera
Mr. Sullivan is an interesting case because, like his team’s mentor, he shows signs of being a late bloomer. He is likely to have extreme difficulties in the early stages of the game, especially with a non-offensive weapon draw, but if he can overcome this and make clever use of what he has been dealt (hint: pictures can be used as evidence. Even a novice manipulator can make something of that), he stands a good chance of really coming into his own.
His anger issues will likely cause problems for his entire team, but they should not be insurmountable. Having a set group of allies will in large part mitigate his disadvantages, and provide him with a set of lackeys he can easily bully into submission, if need be. If a pecking order can be established, and Mr. Sullivan can learn his place, he make take Orange Team somewhere.
ORA2: Brennan O’Brian
Weapon: Bottle of LSD labeled "Water Purification Tablets"
In Mr. O’Brian we have the weak link of the Orange Team, not due to any innate uselessness, but rather to a spectacularly poor weapon pull. In fact, the very intelligence that could have worked well for his team may be turned around on them, as he helpfully persuades his allies of the dangers of drinking contaminated water and hands out his tablets to insure that they do not contract intestinal parasites or something equally inane. There is always the chance of a particularly amusing meltdown, or a hallucination-induced blood rage, but it strikes me as less likely than the team wandering around, staring at their hands before being picked off by a competent player.
However, should Mr. O’Brian somehow avoid this trap, he could be the brains of the operation. He is unlikely to reach for the tablets until the initial water supply runs out, by which point he may have been killed and his possessions stolen by another team. Ideally, this would occur after he imparted some form of strategy and game plan to his allies. A fear of water will be unfortunate given the playing field, but not insurmountable, and it may even keep him from using those tablets.
ORA3: Ferric Tam
Weapon: KA-BAR Combat Knife
Mr. Tam is a good contestant through and through, but the obvious favoritism he is receiving from the mentor of his team may turn his other allies against him in remarkably short order. I believe he will function best as a scout or independent operator for the group, but should not serve as a leader. He will certainly have to kick his air of superiority if he hopes to live long, but that is a given.
There is a chance that an early death for him would actually spur Dr. Smith into greater competence and activity, now that I think about it. Mr. Tam may be the first out on his team, and, if it pushes the right button for their mentor, this may actually be a good thing.
ORA4: Tiffany Dexter
Weapon: Colt Anaconda .45 Magnum
Ms. Dexter is interesting, as she occupies much the same social niche as Mr. Tam does. If there is anyone in this group he will be able to tolerate, it will be her. She will have to overcome his distrustful nature with regards to her teammates, but, if she succeeds at that, she may well lead them to victory. She has incredible potential, especially when compared to the other contestants this season, and she has a good weapon draw to back it up. Barring a terrible mishap or poor early-game judgment, I suspect she will be around for quite some time.
She may not click particularly well with her teammates, aside from Mr. Tam, but, really, she does not have to. She can function as an independent operator until it comes down to the wire, and the team will do just fine.
ORA5: Katherine Clements
Weapon: Swordcane
Creativity is one of the greatest assets a contestant can have, and, combined with a deceptive weapon, Ms. Clements has the potential to be a force to be reckoned with. Optimism is only a problem when it cannot be backed up, and it can be quite a boon in tough times. Ms. Clements may end up the heart and soul of her team, serving as the glue to hold it together.
Her physical weakness and her lack of experience with violence will either sink her right at the start or quickly be overcome. These are not weaknesses that will have too negative an impact in the long term, once more showing the late-game potential of this team. Her issues with rest might have been crippling in past seasons, but, with the team dynamic, can be easily overcome.
Overall
In short, I believe that Orange Team, should it survive the early stages of the game, will become a force to be reckoned with. While there may not be much compatibility when it comes to personality, there does not have to be; survival is an amazing motivator. The team has only a few serious liabilities, and if they are neutralized, the team will be able to shine.
The Mentor: Dr. Millard Smith
At first glance, one would have to question the logic behind putting a teacher from Silver Dragon Academy in charge of a team containing only a single student from that school. The answer, though, is fairly simple: It is a deliberate slight against Dr. Smith on the part of the producers. Most of the mentors seem to be fairly useless, and Dr. Smith is no exception at the surface level, but a closer look reveals one notable trait lacked by most of the others: motivation. Dr. Smith has been dealt a terrible hand, all claims of randomness aside. His team is specifically contrary to his goals. Unless this man is a genuine saint, he is going to be furious, and what better way to turn his luck around than to cruise through to a surprise win?
Of course, he is undeniably lacking in skill. He is a smart man, though, so I suspect he will be able to learn as he goes. As long as his team lasts a day or two without serious losses, he has great potential as a late bloomer. That aside, the effects of mentors are likely to be fairly negligible, since they are a gimmick, and not the main attraction.
ORA1: Vincent Sullivan
Weapon: Digital Camera
Mr. Sullivan is an interesting case because, like his team’s mentor, he shows signs of being a late bloomer. He is likely to have extreme difficulties in the early stages of the game, especially with a non-offensive weapon draw, but if he can overcome this and make clever use of what he has been dealt (hint: pictures can be used as evidence. Even a novice manipulator can make something of that), he stands a good chance of really coming into his own.
His anger issues will likely cause problems for his entire team, but they should not be insurmountable. Having a set group of allies will in large part mitigate his disadvantages, and provide him with a set of lackeys he can easily bully into submission, if need be. If a pecking order can be established, and Mr. Sullivan can learn his place, he make take Orange Team somewhere.
ORA2: Brennan O’Brian
Weapon: Bottle of LSD labeled "Water Purification Tablets"
In Mr. O’Brian we have the weak link of the Orange Team, not due to any innate uselessness, but rather to a spectacularly poor weapon pull. In fact, the very intelligence that could have worked well for his team may be turned around on them, as he helpfully persuades his allies of the dangers of drinking contaminated water and hands out his tablets to insure that they do not contract intestinal parasites or something equally inane. There is always the chance of a particularly amusing meltdown, or a hallucination-induced blood rage, but it strikes me as less likely than the team wandering around, staring at their hands before being picked off by a competent player.
However, should Mr. O’Brian somehow avoid this trap, he could be the brains of the operation. He is unlikely to reach for the tablets until the initial water supply runs out, by which point he may have been killed and his possessions stolen by another team. Ideally, this would occur after he imparted some form of strategy and game plan to his allies. A fear of water will be unfortunate given the playing field, but not insurmountable, and it may even keep him from using those tablets.
ORA3: Ferric Tam
Weapon: KA-BAR Combat Knife
Mr. Tam is a good contestant through and through, but the obvious favoritism he is receiving from the mentor of his team may turn his other allies against him in remarkably short order. I believe he will function best as a scout or independent operator for the group, but should not serve as a leader. He will certainly have to kick his air of superiority if he hopes to live long, but that is a given.
There is a chance that an early death for him would actually spur Dr. Smith into greater competence and activity, now that I think about it. Mr. Tam may be the first out on his team, and, if it pushes the right button for their mentor, this may actually be a good thing.
ORA4: Tiffany Dexter
Weapon: Colt Anaconda .45 Magnum
Ms. Dexter is interesting, as she occupies much the same social niche as Mr. Tam does. If there is anyone in this group he will be able to tolerate, it will be her. She will have to overcome his distrustful nature with regards to her teammates, but, if she succeeds at that, she may well lead them to victory. She has incredible potential, especially when compared to the other contestants this season, and she has a good weapon draw to back it up. Barring a terrible mishap or poor early-game judgment, I suspect she will be around for quite some time.
She may not click particularly well with her teammates, aside from Mr. Tam, but, really, she does not have to. She can function as an independent operator until it comes down to the wire, and the team will do just fine.
ORA5: Katherine Clements
Weapon: Swordcane
Creativity is one of the greatest assets a contestant can have, and, combined with a deceptive weapon, Ms. Clements has the potential to be a force to be reckoned with. Optimism is only a problem when it cannot be backed up, and it can be quite a boon in tough times. Ms. Clements may end up the heart and soul of her team, serving as the glue to hold it together.
Her physical weakness and her lack of experience with violence will either sink her right at the start or quickly be overcome. These are not weaknesses that will have too negative an impact in the long term, once more showing the late-game potential of this team. Her issues with rest might have been crippling in past seasons, but, with the team dynamic, can be easily overcome.
Overall
In short, I believe that Orange Team, should it survive the early stages of the game, will become a force to be reckoned with. While there may not be much compatibility when it comes to personality, there does not have to be; survival is an amazing motivator. The team has only a few serious liabilities, and if they are neutralized, the team will be able to shine.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Gold Team Analysis by Ajax-Kun
Hello once more, readers! It’s the ever excitable Ajax-Kun here, trying to make up for my lack of quality with quantity!
So, what wonderful team am I going to be looking over? Well, I’m going to be looking at a golden opportunity for many exciting moments, and I’d like to give a gold star to whoever put this team together!
Yup, I’ll be taking a look at the Gold Team!
The Mentor;
The mentor for this team, is the “Gambler”, Drake Fortune. The few of you, who (Like me) decided to put a few bob down on the outcome of SOTF, that name might sound a little familiar. That’s because this guy pretty much made his livelihood off of a few lucky guesses, good judgement, and a healthy dose of charisma!
This guy even ran his own bookies at some point, so he obviously has decent organisational skills, which are going to be needed, given the rather… complex, shall we say, nature of the team..
On the upside, he is probably the only person on this team that isn’t going to be shipped to high hell! Unless someone decides that strip poker between the mentors is a great idea.
Crap, I just gave the fangirls ideas again, didn’t I?
In conclusion, he is, like so many other mentors, a joke. I cant see him actually helping, unless they let him be their eye in the sky. He’ll be too busy placing bets on the market to put his organisational skills to use, anyways.
The Team;
Mae St. Clair.
TL;DR: A Manipulative Ice queen, with a love for ballet, and not much else
Mae is, from what was written in the bio, a very cold, but very attractive person. Her dependence on her parents seems all consuming, and her ability to wrap people around her little finger (Read; manipulate) is almost omniscent! (Hey Sonya/Crawford, remind you of anyone?)
She has all the hallmarks of a smart player, and she is probably one of the fittest members of this round of SOTF so far. Her looks don’t do it for me, but judging by the Promo Material episode “Rescue Mission”, she does it for the vast majority of SDA.
Speaking of “Rescue Mission”, this girl is at the centre of what looks to be one of the most entertaining love triangles I’ve seen so far! This bodes even better for the girl, as she has two guys, who are likely to think with their dicks and get themselves killed for her. One of them isn’t even on the team!
I’m seeing a new face of Defrosting the Ice-Queen/Dom! Fics here, and definitely some Possession Sue fics. Hell, I wouldn’t rule the first two happening ingame, especially given her team-mates!
Expect to see her and her Katana in Endgame. The only question, is how much blood will she have on her hands by the end of it?
Todd Hudson.
TL;DR: A spoiled brat with stupid hair.
The first thing you notice when you see Mr. Hudson, is his ridiculous hairstyle. I mean seriously, if you extracted the petroleum in the gel from that, he could win by virtue of being able to essentialy coat the place in napalm!
He, as with many of the students of SDA, have probably never had to cook, let alone survive in the wild, so that tent might be of some help. To whoever kills him.
I expect to see him die in a horrible, horrible fashion, very, very early!
He is going to be in quite a few break the haughty fics, but there’s really no eye candy value to him, its all in the dickish personality.
Ali White.
TL;DR: Luna Lovegod, but an ex-ganger with a shotgun.
First of all, I gotta say that I love this girl! Seriously, she has got to be one of the most well picked students so far! She has a very airy, yet optimistic look on life, and manages to be an extrovert with what seems to be unlimited energy!
Her Otherkin-ish outlook on life is amazing, and I expect to see some fanworks of her with pointy ears and wings (And nothing else) very soon. If she can get some LSD (They /always/ put LSD in as a joke weapon), maybe she’ll try and jump off a cliff, screaming “I CAN FLY!” or something.
On second thoughts, keep that bitch away from the LSD, she’ll be a bigger bundle of fun without it. I’d prefer to see her snap and start blowing people away with a happy smile anyway.
Her body and style of dress aren’t major selling points here, but she’s not gonna be fanservicey, I just don’t see it in her.
Sorry piercing fetishists.
I can’t picture her in endgame, but she’ll be one of the few who are genuinely likely to snap and make a big bloody mess, so I’ll be keeping an eye on her Fae ass.
Shawn Morrison.
TL;DR: A Sexy hipster.
This guy is so awesome. Seriously, he rounds out the general level of crazy awesome that just runs through the group! He wears hippie clothes, smokes pot, and is just a really nice guy!
He is also, undeniably hot! I mean, he is Bang-able in the extreme! That might just be my love of retro guys, but hey, let me know what y’all think!
If I’m honest, his draw is sub-par, but even if he got a Razorwire Shotgun, he’d still be a crap player.
Why? I hear you ask. Well, he might be strong, but he is definitely not the kind of guy we see behind the gun. Even more so as veggie.
His desire to do the right thing (As shown, in an example that gives me hope for humanity, in “Rescue Mission”) will get him killed though, which sucks. I just hope he and his rescuee Mae provide us with some good fanservice along the way!
John Benson.
TL;DR: “One of us” with 1337 archery skillz
Traditionally they save the best ‘til last, but tonight gentleman, and (as paxRomana assures me) lesbians, something different!
We have, here, an anime fan (I think that’s just jap cartoons with tentacle rape, but IDK) who spends most of his time sitting on his lazy arse.
Grade A in his subjects
Grade A cannon fodder
The only thing that might come in handy here, is his knowledge of archery. Oh, wait, we didn’t get the bows out this time round? Too bad. Maybe he’ll hack someone up with that Axe. If he could lift it.
Don’t get too attached, this guy is dead within the first day.
Also, completely disregard what I said about Fortune being the least shippable bloke here. That title belongs to Johnny boy. He’ll take residence in R34 and not much else.
Overall.
This team is going to be a good watch, with fanservice, players and drama galore. Book your tickets now!
So, what wonderful team am I going to be looking over? Well, I’m going to be looking at a golden opportunity for many exciting moments, and I’d like to give a gold star to whoever put this team together!
Yup, I’ll be taking a look at the Gold Team!
The Mentor;
The mentor for this team, is the “Gambler”, Drake Fortune. The few of you, who (Like me) decided to put a few bob down on the outcome of SOTF, that name might sound a little familiar. That’s because this guy pretty much made his livelihood off of a few lucky guesses, good judgement, and a healthy dose of charisma!
This guy even ran his own bookies at some point, so he obviously has decent organisational skills, which are going to be needed, given the rather… complex, shall we say, nature of the team..
On the upside, he is probably the only person on this team that isn’t going to be shipped to high hell! Unless someone decides that strip poker between the mentors is a great idea.
Crap, I just gave the fangirls ideas again, didn’t I?
In conclusion, he is, like so many other mentors, a joke. I cant see him actually helping, unless they let him be their eye in the sky. He’ll be too busy placing bets on the market to put his organisational skills to use, anyways.
The Team;
Mae St. Clair.
TL;DR: A Manipulative Ice queen, with a love for ballet, and not much else
Mae is, from what was written in the bio, a very cold, but very attractive person. Her dependence on her parents seems all consuming, and her ability to wrap people around her little finger (Read; manipulate) is almost omniscent! (Hey Sonya/Crawford, remind you of anyone?)
She has all the hallmarks of a smart player, and she is probably one of the fittest members of this round of SOTF so far. Her looks don’t do it for me, but judging by the Promo Material episode “Rescue Mission”, she does it for the vast majority of SDA.
Speaking of “Rescue Mission”, this girl is at the centre of what looks to be one of the most entertaining love triangles I’ve seen so far! This bodes even better for the girl, as she has two guys, who are likely to think with their dicks and get themselves killed for her. One of them isn’t even on the team!
I’m seeing a new face of Defrosting the Ice-Queen/Dom! Fics here, and definitely some Possession Sue fics. Hell, I wouldn’t rule the first two happening ingame, especially given her team-mates!
Expect to see her and her Katana in Endgame. The only question, is how much blood will she have on her hands by the end of it?
Todd Hudson.
TL;DR: A spoiled brat with stupid hair.
The first thing you notice when you see Mr. Hudson, is his ridiculous hairstyle. I mean seriously, if you extracted the petroleum in the gel from that, he could win by virtue of being able to essentialy coat the place in napalm!
He, as with many of the students of SDA, have probably never had to cook, let alone survive in the wild, so that tent might be of some help. To whoever kills him.
I expect to see him die in a horrible, horrible fashion, very, very early!
He is going to be in quite a few break the haughty fics, but there’s really no eye candy value to him, its all in the dickish personality.
Ali White.
TL;DR: Luna Lovegod, but an ex-ganger with a shotgun.
First of all, I gotta say that I love this girl! Seriously, she has got to be one of the most well picked students so far! She has a very airy, yet optimistic look on life, and manages to be an extrovert with what seems to be unlimited energy!
Her Otherkin-ish outlook on life is amazing, and I expect to see some fanworks of her with pointy ears and wings (And nothing else) very soon. If she can get some LSD (They /always/ put LSD in as a joke weapon), maybe she’ll try and jump off a cliff, screaming “I CAN FLY!” or something.
On second thoughts, keep that bitch away from the LSD, she’ll be a bigger bundle of fun without it. I’d prefer to see her snap and start blowing people away with a happy smile anyway.
Her body and style of dress aren’t major selling points here, but she’s not gonna be fanservicey, I just don’t see it in her.
Sorry piercing fetishists.
I can’t picture her in endgame, but she’ll be one of the few who are genuinely likely to snap and make a big bloody mess, so I’ll be keeping an eye on her Fae ass.
Shawn Morrison.
TL;DR: A Sexy hipster.
This guy is so awesome. Seriously, he rounds out the general level of crazy awesome that just runs through the group! He wears hippie clothes, smokes pot, and is just a really nice guy!
He is also, undeniably hot! I mean, he is Bang-able in the extreme! That might just be my love of retro guys, but hey, let me know what y’all think!
If I’m honest, his draw is sub-par, but even if he got a Razorwire Shotgun, he’d still be a crap player.
Why? I hear you ask. Well, he might be strong, but he is definitely not the kind of guy we see behind the gun. Even more so as veggie.
His desire to do the right thing (As shown, in an example that gives me hope for humanity, in “Rescue Mission”) will get him killed though, which sucks. I just hope he and his rescuee Mae provide us with some good fanservice along the way!
John Benson.
TL;DR: “One of us” with 1337 archery skillz
Traditionally they save the best ‘til last, but tonight gentleman, and (as paxRomana assures me) lesbians, something different!
We have, here, an anime fan (I think that’s just jap cartoons with tentacle rape, but IDK) who spends most of his time sitting on his lazy arse.
Grade A in his subjects
Grade A cannon fodder
The only thing that might come in handy here, is his knowledge of archery. Oh, wait, we didn’t get the bows out this time round? Too bad. Maybe he’ll hack someone up with that Axe. If he could lift it.
Don’t get too attached, this guy is dead within the first day.
Also, completely disregard what I said about Fortune being the least shippable bloke here. That title belongs to Johnny boy. He’ll take residence in R34 and not much else.
Overall.
This team is going to be a good watch, with fanservice, players and drama galore. Book your tickets now!
Yellow Team Analysis by paxRomana
Yellow Team - An Objective Analysis
Not going to waste your time with a long foreword, but I just want to preface this with something of a caveat. You've probably already wondered "Who the hell is this paxRomana person?", and thus realised, yeah, I'm new around these parts. But I saw this new blog starting up and I thought why the hell not, good clean slate for a newfag to start on. Anyway, I am this paxRomana person, and here's an analysis of the Yellow Team from the most impartial perspective I can manage.
The Mentor - HOWARDS, Wilson
Obligatory sponsorship circlejerk, this time it's Verizon showing off how fantastically non-existent their signal is on the island, which is somehow relevant to how good it's meant to be elsewhere? I don't know. He's your archetypical middle-aged executive, probably plays golf every weekend and has 2.4 children. Not sure how much use he'll be to the team, on one hand he's got the organisation and discipline skills from climbing the corporate ladder, but on the other, he probably never bothered to watch the show before now and may or may not have been shoved into it at the last minute. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it, really.
Player One - THSANI, Skyler "Skye"
Unpronounceable surname aside, this one's got promise. Looks fit and healthy, has the sex appeal down for fangirl purposes, but looks a bit on the vain side as well, so that might prove a problem early on before he gets over himself and gets his hands dirty. Looking at his grades, he seems pretty booksmart too, so combined with the physical advantages, I wouldn't be surprised to see Skyler become the de-facto leader of Team Happyface. On the other hand, stress and alcoholism look like pretty big thorns in his side, so if he can't link up with his team and rely on them for support, he might just screw up on the first day and never have a chance to use all that potential. Hopefully not, he could go all the way, given half the chance.
Weapon: Composite Crossbow. Not a great draw, but it could be worse (like Leo's dildo), and the ammo might be re-usable, so that's always a plus. Could let him down with the reload time, but for ease of use and quietness, it might prove surprisingly dangerous.
Player Two - JONES, Odile
From unpronounceable surname to entirely random forename, we have another promising contestant. Main advantages seem to rest on her figure, creeping people the fuck out makes for a good kind of psychological warfare, and the weird double-jointed thing's got to come in handy in a scuffle. Aside from that, she knows how to work a crowd and bear physical discomfort, so manipulation and pain-resisting opportunities abound. Only real downside is, of course, a scared kid's gonna see Spider-Woman here and probably freak out and open fire. Hard to say how she'll do, but most definitely one to watch, if only for weird theatricality.
Weapon: Roll of Duct-Tape. Could have it's uses, but dubious at best. Odile's going to need to pick up something better double-quick, or she's buggered in the long run.
Player Three - RICE, Sidney
One of the two SDA kids on the team, Sidney's looking like a major weak link. Small and unathletic, the latter because she's asthmatic, so we can put a big X in the physically overpowering anybody box. And if previous seasons are anything to go by, even if she can scheme her way to the endgame, there's never any talking your way past the finale. It's almost always a brawl. Then again, if she survives with the rest of her team intact too, there might just be hope. Speaking of teams, she seems like the cunning sort, and whilst that might sound great, she's also a major griefer, and probably won't play nice with the rest of Team Yellow, and if she does, falling in line behind any leader that isn't herself seems unlikely.
Weapon: Jericho .941. Very decent draw on this one, the kids with "standard" handguns always seem to go far. Just a matter of putting a bullet in someone with a bigger gun that isn't paying attention, and you're on your way to a small arsenal - a potential godsend for her worse-armed teammates.
Player Four - WALKER, Marcus
What can I say? He's tall and well built without being too bulky, he's got sleight of hand and attention to detail, and thanks to sports he's fit to boot. Normally I'd say major contender, but all of that just makes him a major target, too. While Skye is dangerous but doesn't look it, Marcus here's surname might as well be Fenix, for the air of "I'll fuck you up" he's going to exude in-game. Worse still? He's got anger management issues. Someone's going to point out all of the above, he'll snap and start a fight he won't win, calling it. Aside from this, looks like pretty standard dumb muscle for the team; not a great leader, but he doesn't need to be, and easily lead, which might come in handy as an example to Sidney if she acts up.
Weapon: Airzooka. While Odile's gaffa tape might have some non-combat applications, this just looks like distraction material, nothing more. Not that distractions haven't come in handy in the past, and a good bait-and-switch plan could catch the overconfident ones out.
Player Five - LANGSTON, Jacob
The second SDA kid on the team, Jacob's quite the opposite of his peer. He's tall and lean, fit from swimming and has that wonderful unthreatening look to him, which is almost guaranteed to have a use at some point. Good contestant for fangirl-favourite against Skyler, too, what with the grungy "I don't give a fuck" look and the blond-hair-blue-eyes thing he has going on. Mind-wise, he might run into some problems with the haemophobia, not to mention the implied pacifism, but if he snaps he could be at least a decent dark-horse player. Might have problems if he gets an infection, too, but most players that get injured that badly end up dead for other reasons anyway.
Weapon: Sig Sauer P226. Another good pistol for the team, and apparently in good hands, if knowing one's way around a rifle translates well to other firearms. Same conclusions as with Sidney, really.
Overall Conclusion:
Strong team, two really good weapons, one potentially-amazing but otherwise decent one, and two not particularly great. Only one weak link amongst the students themselves, but not cripplingly so. Mentor's a bit of a wild card, probably won't be nearly as good as some of the others (read, Jared/Marvin/That Soldier), but might turn out okay.
Definitely worth watching, one of the more likely teams to not only go far, but go far with all five of them intact. An endgame with this lot would be a treat.
Not going to waste your time with a long foreword, but I just want to preface this with something of a caveat. You've probably already wondered "Who the hell is this paxRomana person?", and thus realised, yeah, I'm new around these parts. But I saw this new blog starting up and I thought why the hell not, good clean slate for a newfag to start on. Anyway, I am this paxRomana person, and here's an analysis of the Yellow Team from the most impartial perspective I can manage.
The Mentor - HOWARDS, Wilson
Obligatory sponsorship circlejerk, this time it's Verizon showing off how fantastically non-existent their signal is on the island, which is somehow relevant to how good it's meant to be elsewhere? I don't know. He's your archetypical middle-aged executive, probably plays golf every weekend and has 2.4 children. Not sure how much use he'll be to the team, on one hand he's got the organisation and discipline skills from climbing the corporate ladder, but on the other, he probably never bothered to watch the show before now and may or may not have been shoved into it at the last minute. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it, really.
Player One - THSANI, Skyler "Skye"
Unpronounceable surname aside, this one's got promise. Looks fit and healthy, has the sex appeal down for fangirl purposes, but looks a bit on the vain side as well, so that might prove a problem early on before he gets over himself and gets his hands dirty. Looking at his grades, he seems pretty booksmart too, so combined with the physical advantages, I wouldn't be surprised to see Skyler become the de-facto leader of Team Happyface. On the other hand, stress and alcoholism look like pretty big thorns in his side, so if he can't link up with his team and rely on them for support, he might just screw up on the first day and never have a chance to use all that potential. Hopefully not, he could go all the way, given half the chance.
Weapon: Composite Crossbow. Not a great draw, but it could be worse (like Leo's dildo), and the ammo might be re-usable, so that's always a plus. Could let him down with the reload time, but for ease of use and quietness, it might prove surprisingly dangerous.
Player Two - JONES, Odile
From unpronounceable surname to entirely random forename, we have another promising contestant. Main advantages seem to rest on her figure, creeping people the fuck out makes for a good kind of psychological warfare, and the weird double-jointed thing's got to come in handy in a scuffle. Aside from that, she knows how to work a crowd and bear physical discomfort, so manipulation and pain-resisting opportunities abound. Only real downside is, of course, a scared kid's gonna see Spider-Woman here and probably freak out and open fire. Hard to say how she'll do, but most definitely one to watch, if only for weird theatricality.
Weapon: Roll of Duct-Tape. Could have it's uses, but dubious at best. Odile's going to need to pick up something better double-quick, or she's buggered in the long run.
Player Three - RICE, Sidney
One of the two SDA kids on the team, Sidney's looking like a major weak link. Small and unathletic, the latter because she's asthmatic, so we can put a big X in the physically overpowering anybody box. And if previous seasons are anything to go by, even if she can scheme her way to the endgame, there's never any talking your way past the finale. It's almost always a brawl. Then again, if she survives with the rest of her team intact too, there might just be hope. Speaking of teams, she seems like the cunning sort, and whilst that might sound great, she's also a major griefer, and probably won't play nice with the rest of Team Yellow, and if she does, falling in line behind any leader that isn't herself seems unlikely.
Weapon: Jericho .941. Very decent draw on this one, the kids with "standard" handguns always seem to go far. Just a matter of putting a bullet in someone with a bigger gun that isn't paying attention, and you're on your way to a small arsenal - a potential godsend for her worse-armed teammates.
Player Four - WALKER, Marcus
What can I say? He's tall and well built without being too bulky, he's got sleight of hand and attention to detail, and thanks to sports he's fit to boot. Normally I'd say major contender, but all of that just makes him a major target, too. While Skye is dangerous but doesn't look it, Marcus here's surname might as well be Fenix, for the air of "I'll fuck you up" he's going to exude in-game. Worse still? He's got anger management issues. Someone's going to point out all of the above, he'll snap and start a fight he won't win, calling it. Aside from this, looks like pretty standard dumb muscle for the team; not a great leader, but he doesn't need to be, and easily lead, which might come in handy as an example to Sidney if she acts up.
Weapon: Airzooka. While Odile's gaffa tape might have some non-combat applications, this just looks like distraction material, nothing more. Not that distractions haven't come in handy in the past, and a good bait-and-switch plan could catch the overconfident ones out.
Player Five - LANGSTON, Jacob
The second SDA kid on the team, Jacob's quite the opposite of his peer. He's tall and lean, fit from swimming and has that wonderful unthreatening look to him, which is almost guaranteed to have a use at some point. Good contestant for fangirl-favourite against Skyler, too, what with the grungy "I don't give a fuck" look and the blond-hair-blue-eyes thing he has going on. Mind-wise, he might run into some problems with the haemophobia, not to mention the implied pacifism, but if he snaps he could be at least a decent dark-horse player. Might have problems if he gets an infection, too, but most players that get injured that badly end up dead for other reasons anyway.
Weapon: Sig Sauer P226. Another good pistol for the team, and apparently in good hands, if knowing one's way around a rifle translates well to other firearms. Same conclusions as with Sidney, really.
Overall Conclusion:
Strong team, two really good weapons, one potentially-amazing but otherwise decent one, and two not particularly great. Only one weak link amongst the students themselves, but not cripplingly so. Mentor's a bit of a wild card, probably won't be nearly as good as some of the others (read, Jared/Marvin/That Soldier), but might turn out okay.
Definitely worth watching, one of the more likely teams to not only go far, but go far with all five of them intact. An endgame with this lot would be a treat.
Black Team Analysis by MidnightQ
BEGIN TRANSMISSION:
Greetings readers,
It has come to my attention that the much-awaited event is upon us. That event, of course, is the next season of SOTF-TV. For the uneducated among you, I am MidnightQ. Those who know me from my solo writing projects, feel free to stir up discussion on how I’ve ‘abased myself concerning the interests of the lowest common denominator yet again’. Those of you of who do not, know that I am as much of an avid fan of SOTF as the rest of you. Comrdade_Snowball has asked me to offer my insight on the new players, and I have accepted the offer. Now then, I do believe it is time to bring a bit more intellectual criticism to the current season.
I have in my possession a leaked copy of the team roster. Yes, the ‘secret surprise’ is the formation of teams. This far into the lifetime of the game, I should have expected no less. In particular, I have a copy of the Black Team roster. Black Team’s insignia is a white skull. I find this rather amusing. A symbol surely meant to inspire fear into the hearts of their enemies will instead end up as a symbol for their inevitable end. Black Team does not consist of winners. Of that you can all be sure. However, this does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of victory. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by such types of contestants before. I do hope that the members of Black Team do not disappoint.
On to the analysis.
THE MENTOR
I must say I find it hilariously cruel that none other than Pete Finch himself will be mentoring the team. I’m sure you all remember Mr. Finch. The many little jabs taken at him all over the Internet, including this very site, surely indicate such. Well, it seems he’s been given a chance to redeem himself after his incredibly inept blunder back when SOTF was first proposed. The more than superficially interested fans of the show may recall that he was initially propositioned to host it. Of course, he turned it down. Honestly sometimes I do wonder how it would have turned out with him at the forefront. Would it have been the SOTF we all know and love? Or would it have an unrecognizable failure of the worst sort that would have been cancelled and dropped quicker than Mr. Finch’s other ventures back into the world of TV? I’m inclined to think the latter.
Regardless of his personal performance, the matter at hand is whether or not he’ll be any good for the team. I have a definitive answer for that. The answer is no. I made it quite clear that Black Team isn’t made to win, and this choice of a mentor only cements that fact. What good can Mr. Finch possibly bring to the team? Nothing, that is what he brings. He has nothing useful to offer concerning the survival of the members, the strategy of the game, or the leadership skills to guide them to victory as unlikely as that is for them. In summation: he is quite possibly the worst mentor possible to be assigned to the team. This may seem a harsh conclusion. I assure you, the game will be harsher. And this setup will not help.
THE STUDENTS
BLK1: Bob Lazenby
Bob seems to be an average boy. He is of average height, is slightly out-of-shape, and is not particularly attractive. But on average, a contestant’s body type has very little effect on how well they play the game. That depends mostly on the contestant’s mental fortitude. Mr. Lazenby has been assigned a Laser Pointer. Another ‘joke’ weapon, which I am inclined to believe thanks to the frequency that they are assigned to ‘hopeless loser’ candidates, means the producers themselves have no illusions of what’s going to happen to poor Bob. (Hopeless loser being the words of a highly respected fan blog, not mine. You know the one.) So, the weapon given to him will certainly not help his mental state. My prediction for him is as follows: he will die early; most likely one of, if not the first to die. A sad outcome for Bob, an inevitably of life for everyone else, and a convincing argument that there is no meaning to life.
For what meaning does this cold existence have when a child who has no outstanding qualities whatsoever is thrown into a gladiatorial death match for the amusement of his peers, all of them knowing full well he will never make it? It is almost enough to make me cry. Well, actually that was a lie but I want to feel sorry for the poor boy.
BLK2: Natalie ‘Nate’ Chauncey
I’ll be honest. When I glanced at the photo attached to the roster I assumed that ‘Nate’ was a boy. It was nothing more than a cursory glance, but it was enough to make that assumption. Natalie, if you should somehow ever get to read this… I apologize. Anyway, Miss Chauncey is one of those girls that do not seem to understand that thinness does not equate beauty. Oh Miss Chauncey, if only it took root in your mind that the attempts of a consumerist society to redefine beauty into a narrow set of parameters need not apply to you, or any woman for that matter. Though, this advice applies only to your body. Your sense of fashion… well in the words of those more experienced in those matters than I, it ‘needs some work’. Miss Chauncey has been assigned, a Dragunov. An interesting choice, to say the least. It’s becoming more apparent that the producers of the show simply hand off weapon assignments to the interns. If those interns were humans rather than the shrieking monkeys I assume the studio keeps, perhaps situations like this would not happen. My prediction for her is as follows: she is not only physically incapable of using that gun but she is also mentally incapable. Expect her to be nothing more than a burden to her team, assuming she doesn’t take the easy way out.
Another harsh assessment, but not as harsh as the game is going to be. Miss Chauncey, I wish you the best of luck I really do. But I have no illusions of your ability to make it. The game will go to those capable of performing the actions required to make it to the end. Frankly my dear, you simply do not have the capability. Nevertheless, I’ll be rooting for you.
BLK3: Holly Herchenroder
Question for you. What’s more of a mouthful than that name? The answer is, of course, the amount of alcohol one would have to consume to become inebriated enough to believe that this team stands a chance. ‘Why the harsh conclusion already, MidnightQ? You haven’t even talked about Holly yet!’ That is correct reader. And it is unfair. So I’ll talk a little bit about Miss Herchenroder. (God I can feel my jaw breaking already. Let’s call her Holly shall we? Good? Great.) Holly may not be physically imposing, and honestly how many people on this team are… seriously, but mentally she has to be more than up to the task… right? Other than the pot-smoking habit, which I don’t approve of, I can find little fault with her. So why am I so harsh on her. Well it’s not her I’m being harsh on. It’s the rest of her team. Honestly Holly might be the one person who could make it here, especially with those fragmentation grenades she got assigned. It would be even better if she could take useless Nate’s Dragunov. But too bad for Holly, she got stuck in quite possibly the worst team I’ve ever seen. My prediction for her is as follows: the others on her team will drag her down to death. Plain and simple. Sorry love.
Is that not always the case? Are not the true geniuses and excellent people among the populace always dragged down by those not at their level? I am not exactly sure that Holly belongs to the former category, but among her peers on Black Team she may as well be. Holly, I do feel bad for you. I’d love to just take you in my arms and rescue you from the terrible situation you’ll find yourself in. But I can’t because you’re on your way to the Reaper already. Death is inevitability. It will claim us all… but I sure hope it forgets you.
BLK 4: Harold Finston Smythe
Blue. Blue, more blue, and more goddamn blue. I apologize for the cursing but my god is there a reason for this dull and offensive-to-my-eyes color scheme? Aside from the color monotony, Mr. Smythe is physically unattractive as well. But what does that matter? According to his profile here on my desk, he is a gamer and an anime fan. Oh perfect, the two skills that are sure to be more useful than any others on the show. While I am glad that Harold is ‘one of us’ as I’ve heard so many times, the fact of the matter is that the skills gained from playing games and watching cartoons will not help him. (Even if those cartoons come from Japan and are most definitely not of the good-for-young-children kind.) Still, if the older generation is to be believed, perhaps the social and psychological disconnect from the real world all gamers have will help him. And if not, then perhaps his 1927 Thompson A1 MS1B Machine Gun will. (Nice choice monkey interns.) Still, I don’t have my hopes up for him, even with that weapon. My prediction for him is as follows: that gun will pass to someone with the ability to actually use it. He’ll try to be useful, only to fail. I hope that gun passes to Holly.
May I have a word with you, Mr. Smythe? There are more colors out there than blue. But perhaps blue has some sort of special connection to you. Maybe it’s indicative of your sub-conscious awareness of the bleakness of your life. Maybe you’ve somehow tapped into the collective unconscious and emerged enlightened as to your ultimate destiny. Or maybe you just like the color. I can’t speculate on that.
BLK5: Panya Bishara
Panya can I just say that I love you? You are just so lovely that I find myself imagining all sorts of scenarios we could have acted out had you not been selected for the show. Such a waste of beauty, at least she’ll live on in the photos and images she will leave behind. That, and plenty of work-unsafe fiction that will inevitably rise up. (Somehow I have the feeling she’s already appeared in some. I’ll have to investigate.) The one issue I have is this: beauty isn’t anything in this game. Look at the previous seasons Miss Bishara. The gorgeous girls like you think they can just use those looks to their advantage and twist everyone attracted to them around their fingers. It doesn’t work like that. Pretty quickly into the game, you’ll find that if someone wants you for you body… there’s not much stopping them from taking you. Aside from your Firestar M43 that is. Hope you don’t run out of ammo fending off the sexually depraved. My prediction for her is as follows: that charm that she seems to be quite proud of will prove useless within a day. Maybe less. She’ll have to rely on cunning, and will have to use that gun mercilessly if she wants to survive.
Egyptian rose. Flowery language like that is probably nothing new to her. That I’m positive of. But, my little rose, the place you’re going to be in is full of all manner of beasts intent on tarnishing your beauty and leaving you broken. My advice is to grow out those thorns and throw away any ridiculous notions you may have about using that beauty to get ahead. That has never happened as planned and will never happen as planned. Use your head, not your body. Then you’ll go far.
OVERALL ASSESMENT
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. This team isn’t made of winners. Whether they are just physically incapable of doing what needs to be done, mentally unfit to handle the consequences and ramifications of their actions if they do perform what is needed, or just plain not suited to the task set before them there is just no running around the cold facts. And the facts are despite their generally well-armed status, they cannot and will not win. And certainly not with the idiotic choice of a mentor; Mr. Finch had his chance back before Season 1, he has no reason to be here now.
Despite the foregone conclusion, I will say that they will certainly be enjoyable to watch. I know I’ll be keeping a close watch on them. I certainly hope you will as well reader. Feel free to discuss my analysis in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinions. For it’s only opinions that sink deep into our minds, take root, and blossom into our choices.
END TRANMISSION
Greetings readers,
It has come to my attention that the much-awaited event is upon us. That event, of course, is the next season of SOTF-TV. For the uneducated among you, I am MidnightQ. Those who know me from my solo writing projects, feel free to stir up discussion on how I’ve ‘abased myself concerning the interests of the lowest common denominator yet again’. Those of you of who do not, know that I am as much of an avid fan of SOTF as the rest of you. Comrdade_Snowball has asked me to offer my insight on the new players, and I have accepted the offer. Now then, I do believe it is time to bring a bit more intellectual criticism to the current season.
I have in my possession a leaked copy of the team roster. Yes, the ‘secret surprise’ is the formation of teams. This far into the lifetime of the game, I should have expected no less. In particular, I have a copy of the Black Team roster. Black Team’s insignia is a white skull. I find this rather amusing. A symbol surely meant to inspire fear into the hearts of their enemies will instead end up as a symbol for their inevitable end. Black Team does not consist of winners. Of that you can all be sure. However, this does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of victory. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by such types of contestants before. I do hope that the members of Black Team do not disappoint.
On to the analysis.
THE MENTOR
I must say I find it hilariously cruel that none other than Pete Finch himself will be mentoring the team. I’m sure you all remember Mr. Finch. The many little jabs taken at him all over the Internet, including this very site, surely indicate such. Well, it seems he’s been given a chance to redeem himself after his incredibly inept blunder back when SOTF was first proposed. The more than superficially interested fans of the show may recall that he was initially propositioned to host it. Of course, he turned it down. Honestly sometimes I do wonder how it would have turned out with him at the forefront. Would it have been the SOTF we all know and love? Or would it have an unrecognizable failure of the worst sort that would have been cancelled and dropped quicker than Mr. Finch’s other ventures back into the world of TV? I’m inclined to think the latter.
Regardless of his personal performance, the matter at hand is whether or not he’ll be any good for the team. I have a definitive answer for that. The answer is no. I made it quite clear that Black Team isn’t made to win, and this choice of a mentor only cements that fact. What good can Mr. Finch possibly bring to the team? Nothing, that is what he brings. He has nothing useful to offer concerning the survival of the members, the strategy of the game, or the leadership skills to guide them to victory as unlikely as that is for them. In summation: he is quite possibly the worst mentor possible to be assigned to the team. This may seem a harsh conclusion. I assure you, the game will be harsher. And this setup will not help.
THE STUDENTS
BLK1: Bob Lazenby
Bob seems to be an average boy. He is of average height, is slightly out-of-shape, and is not particularly attractive. But on average, a contestant’s body type has very little effect on how well they play the game. That depends mostly on the contestant’s mental fortitude. Mr. Lazenby has been assigned a Laser Pointer. Another ‘joke’ weapon, which I am inclined to believe thanks to the frequency that they are assigned to ‘hopeless loser’ candidates, means the producers themselves have no illusions of what’s going to happen to poor Bob. (Hopeless loser being the words of a highly respected fan blog, not mine. You know the one.) So, the weapon given to him will certainly not help his mental state. My prediction for him is as follows: he will die early; most likely one of, if not the first to die. A sad outcome for Bob, an inevitably of life for everyone else, and a convincing argument that there is no meaning to life.
For what meaning does this cold existence have when a child who has no outstanding qualities whatsoever is thrown into a gladiatorial death match for the amusement of his peers, all of them knowing full well he will never make it? It is almost enough to make me cry. Well, actually that was a lie but I want to feel sorry for the poor boy.
BLK2: Natalie ‘Nate’ Chauncey
I’ll be honest. When I glanced at the photo attached to the roster I assumed that ‘Nate’ was a boy. It was nothing more than a cursory glance, but it was enough to make that assumption. Natalie, if you should somehow ever get to read this… I apologize. Anyway, Miss Chauncey is one of those girls that do not seem to understand that thinness does not equate beauty. Oh Miss Chauncey, if only it took root in your mind that the attempts of a consumerist society to redefine beauty into a narrow set of parameters need not apply to you, or any woman for that matter. Though, this advice applies only to your body. Your sense of fashion… well in the words of those more experienced in those matters than I, it ‘needs some work’. Miss Chauncey has been assigned, a Dragunov. An interesting choice, to say the least. It’s becoming more apparent that the producers of the show simply hand off weapon assignments to the interns. If those interns were humans rather than the shrieking monkeys I assume the studio keeps, perhaps situations like this would not happen. My prediction for her is as follows: she is not only physically incapable of using that gun but she is also mentally incapable. Expect her to be nothing more than a burden to her team, assuming she doesn’t take the easy way out.
Another harsh assessment, but not as harsh as the game is going to be. Miss Chauncey, I wish you the best of luck I really do. But I have no illusions of your ability to make it. The game will go to those capable of performing the actions required to make it to the end. Frankly my dear, you simply do not have the capability. Nevertheless, I’ll be rooting for you.
BLK3: Holly Herchenroder
Question for you. What’s more of a mouthful than that name? The answer is, of course, the amount of alcohol one would have to consume to become inebriated enough to believe that this team stands a chance. ‘Why the harsh conclusion already, MidnightQ? You haven’t even talked about Holly yet!’ That is correct reader. And it is unfair. So I’ll talk a little bit about Miss Herchenroder. (God I can feel my jaw breaking already. Let’s call her Holly shall we? Good? Great.) Holly may not be physically imposing, and honestly how many people on this team are… seriously, but mentally she has to be more than up to the task… right? Other than the pot-smoking habit, which I don’t approve of, I can find little fault with her. So why am I so harsh on her. Well it’s not her I’m being harsh on. It’s the rest of her team. Honestly Holly might be the one person who could make it here, especially with those fragmentation grenades she got assigned. It would be even better if she could take useless Nate’s Dragunov. But too bad for Holly, she got stuck in quite possibly the worst team I’ve ever seen. My prediction for her is as follows: the others on her team will drag her down to death. Plain and simple. Sorry love.
Is that not always the case? Are not the true geniuses and excellent people among the populace always dragged down by those not at their level? I am not exactly sure that Holly belongs to the former category, but among her peers on Black Team she may as well be. Holly, I do feel bad for you. I’d love to just take you in my arms and rescue you from the terrible situation you’ll find yourself in. But I can’t because you’re on your way to the Reaper already. Death is inevitability. It will claim us all… but I sure hope it forgets you.
BLK 4: Harold Finston Smythe
Blue. Blue, more blue, and more goddamn blue. I apologize for the cursing but my god is there a reason for this dull and offensive-to-my-eyes color scheme? Aside from the color monotony, Mr. Smythe is physically unattractive as well. But what does that matter? According to his profile here on my desk, he is a gamer and an anime fan. Oh perfect, the two skills that are sure to be more useful than any others on the show. While I am glad that Harold is ‘one of us’ as I’ve heard so many times, the fact of the matter is that the skills gained from playing games and watching cartoons will not help him. (Even if those cartoons come from Japan and are most definitely not of the good-for-young-children kind.) Still, if the older generation is to be believed, perhaps the social and psychological disconnect from the real world all gamers have will help him. And if not, then perhaps his 1927 Thompson A1 MS1B Machine Gun will. (Nice choice monkey interns.) Still, I don’t have my hopes up for him, even with that weapon. My prediction for him is as follows: that gun will pass to someone with the ability to actually use it. He’ll try to be useful, only to fail. I hope that gun passes to Holly.
May I have a word with you, Mr. Smythe? There are more colors out there than blue. But perhaps blue has some sort of special connection to you. Maybe it’s indicative of your sub-conscious awareness of the bleakness of your life. Maybe you’ve somehow tapped into the collective unconscious and emerged enlightened as to your ultimate destiny. Or maybe you just like the color. I can’t speculate on that.
BLK5: Panya Bishara
Panya can I just say that I love you? You are just so lovely that I find myself imagining all sorts of scenarios we could have acted out had you not been selected for the show. Such a waste of beauty, at least she’ll live on in the photos and images she will leave behind. That, and plenty of work-unsafe fiction that will inevitably rise up. (Somehow I have the feeling she’s already appeared in some. I’ll have to investigate.) The one issue I have is this: beauty isn’t anything in this game. Look at the previous seasons Miss Bishara. The gorgeous girls like you think they can just use those looks to their advantage and twist everyone attracted to them around their fingers. It doesn’t work like that. Pretty quickly into the game, you’ll find that if someone wants you for you body… there’s not much stopping them from taking you. Aside from your Firestar M43 that is. Hope you don’t run out of ammo fending off the sexually depraved. My prediction for her is as follows: that charm that she seems to be quite proud of will prove useless within a day. Maybe less. She’ll have to rely on cunning, and will have to use that gun mercilessly if she wants to survive.
Egyptian rose. Flowery language like that is probably nothing new to her. That I’m positive of. But, my little rose, the place you’re going to be in is full of all manner of beasts intent on tarnishing your beauty and leaving you broken. My advice is to grow out those thorns and throw away any ridiculous notions you may have about using that beauty to get ahead. That has never happened as planned and will never happen as planned. Use your head, not your body. Then you’ll go far.
OVERALL ASSESMENT
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. This team isn’t made of winners. Whether they are just physically incapable of doing what needs to be done, mentally unfit to handle the consequences and ramifications of their actions if they do perform what is needed, or just plain not suited to the task set before them there is just no running around the cold facts. And the facts are despite their generally well-armed status, they cannot and will not win. And certainly not with the idiotic choice of a mentor; Mr. Finch had his chance back before Season 1, he has no reason to be here now.
Despite the foregone conclusion, I will say that they will certainly be enjoyable to watch. I know I’ll be keeping a close watch on them. I certainly hope you will as well reader. Feel free to discuss my analysis in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinions. For it’s only opinions that sink deep into our minds, take root, and blossom into our choices.
END TRANMISSION
Sunday, April 17, 2011
White Team Analysis by SickKitty
Right, bitches, I’m SickKitty and it’s that time of the year again- SOTF-TV is about to start it’s latest season, and lets be honest, who isn’t pumped? And, like every season, I’m here to bring you guys the truth about TV, or at least as much as I’m willing to share. Of course, the show hasn’t started yet, but no worries, because there’s always good news to keep flowing. Like this whole team business, for one. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am pumped about the team dynamic. I mean, most of the contestants end up in teams anyway, right? And this way, there’s more people stuck to people who they hate, and there is nothing better than watching two people who can’t stand each other being forced to work together! (That’s why MadMax and I still talk, right?)
But let’s get right now down to the nitty gritty, because we aren’t here for this small talk bullshit. No, you’re here to learn about the deets that I know, and have I got a big juicy team for you. That’s right, it’s the White Team, or as I like to call them Team Racist! Why? Because every single member of this team is a white kid from Texas! I mean, seriously producers, you didn’t think I’d catch that? You mix an inner city school with a rich white kid school, and somehow all the rich white kids end up on one team? I smell political incorrectness!
Not that I really give a shit. Hey, be as politically incorrect as you want, it’s never stopped me before, right boys?
But anyways, onto the deets about Team Racist.
The Mentor: Team Racist has been saddled with 28 year old Rose Wolfe, that fantasy writer who wrote those books where the kids on TV where, like, elves and fairies or some shit? Yeah, I dunno what’s going on in this bitch’s head, but on the upside she’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s dramatic, which might mean that she’s gonna try and wedge her team up as much as possible. I’m hoping she tries to throw as many plot twists at her little racist tribe as humanly possible, because otherwise this bitch is gonna be bor-ing.
W01- Timothy Marcus Walker, Jr. Oh god this kid even has a rich white boy NAME. I already like him. Right, this kid’s money comes from his gambling-addicted parents, so maybe he inherited his parents luck. Not that I really care though, because this kid is ugly as a fat lady in hot pink leggings and a tight t-shirt. I mean, long dark hair, pale skin, creepy fingernails, hat hair, sunglasses? I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a member of some fucking scary ass cult. Although I guess he’s good at, like, reading people or some shit, so maybe he won’t freak out his team that much? But hey, he’s a smooth talking gambler who looks like a Manson, so maybe he’ll be interesting enough to keep Team Racist spicy. Weapon- CZ 75. Not the most amusing weapon, but at least it’s useful, I guess. Team Position: The Risk Taker.
W02- Renee Carlson. Wooh-ee, looks like we gots ourselves a very lovely lady. Lucky for Miss Renee, I’m a fan of the oversized nose, and I do have a thing for blues eyes. Renee might very well make up for the atrocity that is our Freak-of-Nature. Now if only I could get her in some heels, oh! And she’s smart too, this girl just may be my dream! If you win Renee, come swing by my place, I’ll show you what you’re missing out on! (With the heels. Get your heads out of the gutter, now! ) She may not be popular among the socialites, but she’s nice to the underdogs and outcasts, and that could get her pretty far. Not to mention her leadership abilities- from the looks of it, Team Racist might have a leg up due to this girl. Not many teams have born leaders, and I sense some infighting amongst the others! Renee could go far, farther than Manson boy for sure. Weapon- Straight Razor. She’ll go far, that is, if she steals Manson boy’s weapon. Baby ain’t getting anywhere with a straight razor. Although she can keep her legs wonderfully smooth if someone got assigned soap. Team Position: Leading Lady.
W03- Kevin Fielding. Oh god a muscle man. Ugh, way to ruin my buzz from that gorgeous French girl Mr. Stocky. Come on producers, I like skinny boys! And girls! And not linebackers! This kid could stand at the door to a club for God’s sake. Oh well, maybe we can get a few shots of his triceps. I do love me some triceps. Show me anything that isn’t his face. Or his...big-boned body. Actually, just show me Renee again, I can’t deal with this boy. On the upside, muscular strength is kinda what Team Racist needs. He also has brains, but I think Renee is a better leader, because, to be frank, I wouldn’t want a bouncer leading the blind, if you know what I mean. Weapon- Night Vision Goggles (5 Hour Battery). Useful to a point, but that’s not the best battery life, and I wouldn’t want to lean on those as a crutch. Team Position: Muscle Man.
W04- Leopold Sutherland. Ohhhh, a blonde, stoner-looking hipster. Why hello there Leo. How are you doing? Oh, and he’s old money too, send him to me I want to take him home and make him my bitch! Unfortunately, he’s selfish, which could always bite him in the ass now that we’re in teams. But he’s fairly popular, so maybe it’ll all work itself out. Unless he annoys his team to the point of Timmy Manson cracking and blowing dear Leo’s face off. And now that we have leader Renee and Muscle Kevin, he doesn’t need to be physically in shape, but that does leave at least two members of white in the “kinda useless overall” category. Maybe he can put those wits of his to use, and if not that, then there’s always his looks, right? Weapon- Dildo. ...Leo, if you win, I am taking you and holding you hostage in my basement, kay? Maybe be a useless weapon, but DAMN will it be amusing to see his pretty face with that. Team Position: The Grouch.
W05- Mason Ross. Okay, now this is what I’m talking about Kevin. Someone athletic who doesn’t look like a sack of meat. Long, lean, strong- this is a lady’s dream! And by a lady, I mean me, obviously. I am all that matters. Of course, he’s not exactly my type, but Renee and Leo should keep my eyes satisfied, so no points taken from you dear Mason. Basketball is not the most useful sport to have behind your belt in a game like this, but he seems to top off the whole dynamic for Team Racist. Everyone’s athletic, smartish, so on and so forth. Looks like his mouth might get him in trouble though, so the rest of his team better keep him in check. Weapon-Beretta 93-R. Oooooh, nice. That’s a lot of power, but I think Mason can handle it. Team Position: The Talker.
Overall Analysis: Team Racist is well equipped, well balanced, and they probably already have established relationships, which, barring everyone of them hating each other, makes them perfectly safe and boring. They also, with one major exception (Remember my offer Leo), got decent weapons. I mean, it’s not the greatest draw, but they aren’t disadvantaged either. Which is why I have to add in all my snarky commentary, because frankly, White Team will get it to the finals easy and be boring as hell doing it. *Yawn*
But let’s get right now down to the nitty gritty, because we aren’t here for this small talk bullshit. No, you’re here to learn about the deets that I know, and have I got a big juicy team for you. That’s right, it’s the White Team, or as I like to call them Team Racist! Why? Because every single member of this team is a white kid from Texas! I mean, seriously producers, you didn’t think I’d catch that? You mix an inner city school with a rich white kid school, and somehow all the rich white kids end up on one team? I smell political incorrectness!
Not that I really give a shit. Hey, be as politically incorrect as you want, it’s never stopped me before, right boys?
But anyways, onto the deets about Team Racist.
The Mentor: Team Racist has been saddled with 28 year old Rose Wolfe, that fantasy writer who wrote those books where the kids on TV where, like, elves and fairies or some shit? Yeah, I dunno what’s going on in this bitch’s head, but on the upside she’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s dramatic, which might mean that she’s gonna try and wedge her team up as much as possible. I’m hoping she tries to throw as many plot twists at her little racist tribe as humanly possible, because otherwise this bitch is gonna be bor-ing.
W01- Timothy Marcus Walker, Jr. Oh god this kid even has a rich white boy NAME. I already like him. Right, this kid’s money comes from his gambling-addicted parents, so maybe he inherited his parents luck. Not that I really care though, because this kid is ugly as a fat lady in hot pink leggings and a tight t-shirt. I mean, long dark hair, pale skin, creepy fingernails, hat hair, sunglasses? I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a member of some fucking scary ass cult. Although I guess he’s good at, like, reading people or some shit, so maybe he won’t freak out his team that much? But hey, he’s a smooth talking gambler who looks like a Manson, so maybe he’ll be interesting enough to keep Team Racist spicy. Weapon- CZ 75. Not the most amusing weapon, but at least it’s useful, I guess. Team Position: The Risk Taker.
W02- Renee Carlson. Wooh-ee, looks like we gots ourselves a very lovely lady. Lucky for Miss Renee, I’m a fan of the oversized nose, and I do have a thing for blues eyes. Renee might very well make up for the atrocity that is our Freak-of-Nature. Now if only I could get her in some heels, oh! And she’s smart too, this girl just may be my dream! If you win Renee, come swing by my place, I’ll show you what you’re missing out on! (With the heels. Get your heads out of the gutter, now! ) She may not be popular among the socialites, but she’s nice to the underdogs and outcasts, and that could get her pretty far. Not to mention her leadership abilities- from the looks of it, Team Racist might have a leg up due to this girl. Not many teams have born leaders, and I sense some infighting amongst the others! Renee could go far, farther than Manson boy for sure. Weapon- Straight Razor. She’ll go far, that is, if she steals Manson boy’s weapon. Baby ain’t getting anywhere with a straight razor. Although she can keep her legs wonderfully smooth if someone got assigned soap. Team Position: Leading Lady.
W03- Kevin Fielding. Oh god a muscle man. Ugh, way to ruin my buzz from that gorgeous French girl Mr. Stocky. Come on producers, I like skinny boys! And girls! And not linebackers! This kid could stand at the door to a club for God’s sake. Oh well, maybe we can get a few shots of his triceps. I do love me some triceps. Show me anything that isn’t his face. Or his...big-boned body. Actually, just show me Renee again, I can’t deal with this boy. On the upside, muscular strength is kinda what Team Racist needs. He also has brains, but I think Renee is a better leader, because, to be frank, I wouldn’t want a bouncer leading the blind, if you know what I mean. Weapon- Night Vision Goggles (5 Hour Battery). Useful to a point, but that’s not the best battery life, and I wouldn’t want to lean on those as a crutch. Team Position: Muscle Man.
W04- Leopold Sutherland. Ohhhh, a blonde, stoner-looking hipster. Why hello there Leo. How are you doing? Oh, and he’s old money too, send him to me I want to take him home and make him my bitch! Unfortunately, he’s selfish, which could always bite him in the ass now that we’re in teams. But he’s fairly popular, so maybe it’ll all work itself out. Unless he annoys his team to the point of Timmy Manson cracking and blowing dear Leo’s face off. And now that we have leader Renee and Muscle Kevin, he doesn’t need to be physically in shape, but that does leave at least two members of white in the “kinda useless overall” category. Maybe he can put those wits of his to use, and if not that, then there’s always his looks, right? Weapon- Dildo. ...Leo, if you win, I am taking you and holding you hostage in my basement, kay? Maybe be a useless weapon, but DAMN will it be amusing to see his pretty face with that. Team Position: The Grouch.
W05- Mason Ross. Okay, now this is what I’m talking about Kevin. Someone athletic who doesn’t look like a sack of meat. Long, lean, strong- this is a lady’s dream! And by a lady, I mean me, obviously. I am all that matters. Of course, he’s not exactly my type, but Renee and Leo should keep my eyes satisfied, so no points taken from you dear Mason. Basketball is not the most useful sport to have behind your belt in a game like this, but he seems to top off the whole dynamic for Team Racist. Everyone’s athletic, smartish, so on and so forth. Looks like his mouth might get him in trouble though, so the rest of his team better keep him in check. Weapon-Beretta 93-R. Oooooh, nice. That’s a lot of power, but I think Mason can handle it. Team Position: The Talker.
Overall Analysis: Team Racist is well equipped, well balanced, and they probably already have established relationships, which, barring everyone of them hating each other, makes them perfectly safe and boring. They also, with one major exception (Remember my offer Leo), got decent weapons. I mean, it’s not the greatest draw, but they aren’t disadvantaged either. Which is why I have to add in all my snarky commentary, because frankly, White Team will get it to the finals easy and be boring as hell doing it. *Yawn*
Pink Team Analysis by Comrade_Snowball
Hey, it’s Snowball here! We’re keeping busy leaking more info on the teams. As you can see, Ajax-Kun and MadMax are assisting me, but expect even more well known SotF Bloggers coming in soon, as well as some new blood!
Now I’ve decided to review one of the more eccentric and unpredictable teams this Season, the Pink Team. A lot of controversy when they were first announced, it’s an all male squad and some say they’ve been overpowered in the weapons department. You be the judge. Let’s take a look!
TEAM PINK PHOTO
Mentor: Mike Patterson
Now, right of the bat it looks like Pink Team is in trouble. Mentors this year have run the gamut from SotF Experts to Military Instructors, even a past winner (Much love to Jared!). Some of the mentors however have been on the weaker end, and Patterson seems to be one of, if not the, weakest mentor. From what limited info the Producers have given us, Patterson seems to be a completely average fan, winning his place in that contest the SotF Team were running last summer. With MARwin crunching stats and Jared with first hand knowledge of the game, Patterson is at a huge disadvantage. He’s got the tools to make a decent run, but Pink could easily turn into this seasons joke team.
- Anyone heard of the term “Deer in the Headlights?” Exactly what we’re looking at here.
- Patterson isn’t the smartest guy out there, but then again, he’s not totally stupid judging from the promo material. Still, he’s fighting an uphill battle.
Team Member 1: Anthony Rollins
Traits: Friendly, Naturally Observant, Smaller Kid
Weapon: Claymore
Anthony seems like a weak member for Team Pink. If he can keep his head straight he could make a good lookout or scout for the rest of the guys, but I’m betting he’ll be an early out. Why? Anna Higgins, Member of Team Blue. Promo material suggests these two were either in a direct relationship, or film making buddies. Producers, the sadistically amazing bastards they are, have split the buddies up. If Anthony is going to get out of here, it’s going to be without Anna, or in a body bag. My instincts tell me Anthony is going to take his huge ass weapon (That he can barely hold, by the looks of things) and go looking for his friend, only to be untimely gunned down. Patterson and the rest of Team Pink better find out where his allegiances lay quick. Even if he abandons his buddy-buddy, I’m just not feeling it here.
Team Member 2: Jonas Jeffries
Traits: Twitchy, Smoker, Clumsy, Cowardly, Whiny, Unprincipled, Small and Nervous
Weapon: MAC-10
Ohhhh man, this is an interesting one. Jonas is as good as doomed, mark my words. Interesting to note, like Anthony he also seems to have close ties with a fellow student, Panya Bishara, on Team Black. But I’m thinking Jonas will go in a bit of a different direction, judging from his cowardly nature. Jeffries seems like someone who wouldn’t think twice about abandoning his friend, if it means his continued existence. Not that he’ll last long. Anyone remember “Hoot” Hawkely, Season 3? Clumsy bastard fell on his own grenade. Jonas is going in the same direction, and the more competent members of his team better realize it fast. I expect quite a few classic moments coming from Jonas’ prior to his untimely demise. Only question I have, will it be from friendly fire?
Team Member 3: Glen Bole
Traits: Bully, Track star, Juvie Hall Delinquent, Cowardly Jerkass
Weapon: SPAS-12
Here we go! Glen is in my opinion, the natural leader of Pink Team. While Anthony is off looking for his friend and Jonas is busy blowing off his feet, Glen is going to take the fight to the enemy. Cowardly, yes, but he’s also strong and doesn’t seem to be afraid to pull any punches. Mark my words; he’ll be a player from the beginning. And with a Shotgun backing him up, how cowardly can he really be? If Patterson gets the group together, Glen is going to be his voice on the ground. Pink Team could end up winning the whole thing if Glen takes control and ups the brutality. Hell, if Rollins or Jeffries end up sticking close to Bole, they could last until the end after all! Top Five written all over him.
Team Member 4: Benjamin Grayson
Traits: Medic, Artist, Loner, Bookworm
Weapon: Full Set of Team Bandannas
A lot of variables with Benji here. He could serve his purpose, an ideal team medic giving his knowledge of first aid. But then again, the kid doesn’t have that much social skills, limiting his weapon usage. I can see him getting along with Anthony easy, but Glen? I’m not sure on this one... For their sake, let’s hope Benji takes orders well. He doesn’t have a weapon, but he could easily grab one from Jonas as soon as he snuffs it. If he can get those bandannas to his team, I can picture an early game massacre of epic proportions, perpetrated by Glen.
Team Member 5: Isaac King
Traits: Gun Training, Small Kid, Weak, Cautious
Weapon: IMI Desert Eagle
Isaac makes an ideal second in command, if Glen gets his ass in gear. He’s one of those few kids with gun training, rifles in this case. I expect him to be a top tier killer if Pink Team forms together. Not much else to say, but I can picture him making it to the end if he can hook up with his team.
OVERALL
Well, well, well. Pink Team certainly has a lot of options. Weak links are most definitely Jonas and Anthony, and I predict a messy demise for the entire team unless those two are dealt with or fall into line. Benji could hack it if he sticks close to Glen and Isaac. Personality wise, I can see Anthony clashing with Glen, with Glen coming out on top. Worth following Isaac, Glen and Jonas, entertainment wise. Isaac and Glen could go all the way if Patterson proves decent, and Jonas is bound to ruin /something/ before he dies. Benji looks to be a support character, and I predict Anthony will die before half.
Now I’ve decided to review one of the more eccentric and unpredictable teams this Season, the Pink Team. A lot of controversy when they were first announced, it’s an all male squad and some say they’ve been overpowered in the weapons department. You be the judge. Let’s take a look!
TEAM PINK PHOTO
Mentor: Mike Patterson
Now, right of the bat it looks like Pink Team is in trouble. Mentors this year have run the gamut from SotF Experts to Military Instructors, even a past winner (Much love to Jared!). Some of the mentors however have been on the weaker end, and Patterson seems to be one of, if not the, weakest mentor. From what limited info the Producers have given us, Patterson seems to be a completely average fan, winning his place in that contest the SotF Team were running last summer. With MARwin crunching stats and Jared with first hand knowledge of the game, Patterson is at a huge disadvantage. He’s got the tools to make a decent run, but Pink could easily turn into this seasons joke team.
- Anyone heard of the term “Deer in the Headlights?” Exactly what we’re looking at here.
- Patterson isn’t the smartest guy out there, but then again, he’s not totally stupid judging from the promo material. Still, he’s fighting an uphill battle.
Team Member 1: Anthony Rollins
Traits: Friendly, Naturally Observant, Smaller Kid
Weapon: Claymore
Anthony seems like a weak member for Team Pink. If he can keep his head straight he could make a good lookout or scout for the rest of the guys, but I’m betting he’ll be an early out. Why? Anna Higgins, Member of Team Blue. Promo material suggests these two were either in a direct relationship, or film making buddies. Producers, the sadistically amazing bastards they are, have split the buddies up. If Anthony is going to get out of here, it’s going to be without Anna, or in a body bag. My instincts tell me Anthony is going to take his huge ass weapon (That he can barely hold, by the looks of things) and go looking for his friend, only to be untimely gunned down. Patterson and the rest of Team Pink better find out where his allegiances lay quick. Even if he abandons his buddy-buddy, I’m just not feeling it here.
Team Member 2: Jonas Jeffries
Traits: Twitchy, Smoker, Clumsy, Cowardly, Whiny, Unprincipled, Small and Nervous
Weapon: MAC-10
Ohhhh man, this is an interesting one. Jonas is as good as doomed, mark my words. Interesting to note, like Anthony he also seems to have close ties with a fellow student, Panya Bishara, on Team Black. But I’m thinking Jonas will go in a bit of a different direction, judging from his cowardly nature. Jeffries seems like someone who wouldn’t think twice about abandoning his friend, if it means his continued existence. Not that he’ll last long. Anyone remember “Hoot” Hawkely, Season 3? Clumsy bastard fell on his own grenade. Jonas is going in the same direction, and the more competent members of his team better realize it fast. I expect quite a few classic moments coming from Jonas’ prior to his untimely demise. Only question I have, will it be from friendly fire?
Team Member 3: Glen Bole
Traits: Bully, Track star, Juvie Hall Delinquent, Cowardly Jerkass
Weapon: SPAS-12
Here we go! Glen is in my opinion, the natural leader of Pink Team. While Anthony is off looking for his friend and Jonas is busy blowing off his feet, Glen is going to take the fight to the enemy. Cowardly, yes, but he’s also strong and doesn’t seem to be afraid to pull any punches. Mark my words; he’ll be a player from the beginning. And with a Shotgun backing him up, how cowardly can he really be? If Patterson gets the group together, Glen is going to be his voice on the ground. Pink Team could end up winning the whole thing if Glen takes control and ups the brutality. Hell, if Rollins or Jeffries end up sticking close to Bole, they could last until the end after all! Top Five written all over him.
Team Member 4: Benjamin Grayson
Traits: Medic, Artist, Loner, Bookworm
Weapon: Full Set of Team Bandannas
A lot of variables with Benji here. He could serve his purpose, an ideal team medic giving his knowledge of first aid. But then again, the kid doesn’t have that much social skills, limiting his weapon usage. I can see him getting along with Anthony easy, but Glen? I’m not sure on this one... For their sake, let’s hope Benji takes orders well. He doesn’t have a weapon, but he could easily grab one from Jonas as soon as he snuffs it. If he can get those bandannas to his team, I can picture an early game massacre of epic proportions, perpetrated by Glen.
Team Member 5: Isaac King
Traits: Gun Training, Small Kid, Weak, Cautious
Weapon: IMI Desert Eagle
Isaac makes an ideal second in command, if Glen gets his ass in gear. He’s one of those few kids with gun training, rifles in this case. I expect him to be a top tier killer if Pink Team forms together. Not much else to say, but I can picture him making it to the end if he can hook up with his team.
OVERALL
Well, well, well. Pink Team certainly has a lot of options. Weak links are most definitely Jonas and Anthony, and I predict a messy demise for the entire team unless those two are dealt with or fall into line. Benji could hack it if he sticks close to Glen and Isaac. Personality wise, I can see Anthony clashing with Glen, with Glen coming out on top. Worth following Isaac, Glen and Jonas, entertainment wise. Isaac and Glen could go all the way if Patterson proves decent, and Jonas is bound to ruin /something/ before he dies. Benji looks to be a support character, and I predict Anthony will die before half.
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