SickKitty Bitches About Teams

Right. So after the temporary delay in your regularly scheduled "me yelling at you all for being idiots" because of a broken laptop, a very small drug induced coma, and Max being a complete and utter asshole, I'm back! And I'm here to fill your lives with my wonderful bitching! Huzzah!

Let's talk about the fake teams, shall we? Several groups of wanna be survivors have grouped together despite the fact that they should be murdering each other. Among them is the mess that is Shawn Morrison and Ben Whatshisface.

After a while of Ben being completely stupid with his weapon (an entire bag of bandannas), he figured out how to use it to his advantage, and is now lying to Shawn and saying that they're on the same team. Shawn has no reason not to believe this, despite the fact that his mentor pretty much told him not to trust Ben. In fairness though, that mentor talks in the most complicated ways. Stupid, really. If Shawn was on Jarred's team, then Ben would be dead. However, this already fragile alliance got even more fragile after Shawn murdered Jaszmine Johnson with a snake.

Actually, that reminds me! The Most Amusing Kill Thusfar Award goes to Shawn for that display! Snake death. Who woulda thought?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Basically, if Shawn doesn't figure out by morning that Ben- who now has a gun- isn't on his team, then it's because Ben finally did something smart and murdered him.

Or because Shawn is a stoner and most of his braincells are really quite dead.

Moving on!

Up next is the weird mini-team of Jhamel Thomson, Jeanette Beunindia or however you spell it, April Stone, and Brenda Hernandez.

...Oh, and also that Eloise chick, but she doesn't really count because she's not very interesting.

Man, if these four (I'm sorry, five) weren't as terrible at this game as they are, they would almost be kind of fun to watch! I mean, between the group hug, getting a wrench thrown at them, Jeanette deciding to be a player and only telling April, Brenda being a really terrible Team Mom, Eloise wandering off to die, and brilliant product placement of Cliff Bars, there's something for everyone!

Except intelligent people, who would tell you that forming a supergroup based on two separate teams is stupid, especially when one of those teams (*coughBROWNcough*) has no good weapons, while the other has a gun, a wrench, and a knife between two people. Seriously, Jeanette, Jhamel, I get that you're trying to be nice, but get your shit together and start killing before I get my shit together and change the channel.

There's also the downright bizarre team of Marcus Walker and Anna Higgins. I don't even know where to begin on that one. Just...what? I mean, seriously, what. I really want Marcus to start killing people. If he gets rid of the annoying white girl first, well then...I wouldn't be complaining. Just saying.

Other than that, these team-ups have been pretty dreadful. I mean, it's not that they aren't amusing, it's just that so far really only Karen Ruiz has figured out that teams or not, it's kill or be killed. Why hasn't any full team joined up to start killing? That's what I would do. And hey, think of it this way, you're actually saving lives! More people on your team decide to kill, the more people on your team survive. It's win win!

Seriously folks, get your game on.

Right, well, I've got to go find a way to make Max let me back into our apartment. Until then, follow me on twitter @KittyMcHugh, and stay tuned! I promise more fake awards and wonderful drinking games will abound! Cheers!

Quickfire Recap (By Location!) by RNN [Part 2]

OPEN PLAINS:

A lot happened here... Let's see where we should start. Devonte, Marcus and Skye have some nice buddy time here. Cute almost.

Several fights. Vincent Sullivan vs Madelyn Conner, where they bruised each other pretty bad, but Vincent gained a paddle from it. Marvia Jones vs a personal favorite in Karen Ruiz, where Karen gained more fire power and finally Zachariah Johnston vs Marion Clayton where Marion gained a melted face. I still shudder from that one.

Currently a group made of mostly Green team and Sidney Rice are slumbering in the episode "Shun the Non-Believer." It's only a matter of time before something horrible happens there! Otherwise why would the producers title it like that? I'm sure of it.

Also currently ongoing are meetings between Michael Marshall and cute Nate Chauncy and another involving Marcus Walker and two of blue! Anna Higgins and Axel Stadler.

Star of the Scene: Anna Higgins. "Marky Mark!" Hahaha, the delivery of that line was great.

RESORT HOTEL:

The ongoing episode is "Metanoia" where the sexy - I mean, dirty hippie, Shawn Morrison and his fellow wing man Ben-o Grayson (love it!) start searching for people and useful stuff in the Hotel. Ben is still pretending to be Gold with Shawn, while Shawn seems upset about something from the announcements. His friend died or something? Anyway he remedies this by - how else? Smoking Pot of course! In typical Shawn fashion, when his mentor Drake starts giving him advice Shawn freaks out and thinks a snake it talking to him. Love the humorous music they played softly in the background for that part.

Then something -shocking- happens, but that would be spoiling what Nery will cover in the Contestant Spotlight. We'll have to wait and see what happens to the duo of sexy hipster Shawn and the adorable Ben-O, thanks to that cliff hanger they gave us.

Star of the Scene: I'd like to give both members of this duo the spotlight, but Shawn Morrison getting high and doing *something else* earns him the credit here.

The SotF Drinking Game! (Rules by SickKitty)

Hello lovelies! Okay, for those of you following me on Twitter, you know that I've been spending most of Day 1 completely and utterly drunk. Why? Because I've been developing the super secret ultra drinking game! This year we had a lot of good rules floating around, but I've narrowed it down to the absolute BEST ways to get as hammered as possible. Ready? Let's go!

(A note. Do NOT do all of these at one time, or else your liver will start to look like mine. And that's not a good thing darlings.)

Alright. Here be the rules!

1. Take a shot everytime someone changes clothes. Into an outfit, out of an outfit, doesn't matter. If clothes are coming off, shots are going down.

2. Take a shot everytime Zach Johnson gets overshadowed by the sexy godliness that is Shawn Morrison.

3. Take a shot everytime someone makes an absolutely awful pun. Announcers, mentors, and students are all fair game for this one, as are bloggers, Twitters, commentators- ANYONE MAKING A PUN WILL RESULT IN A SHOT.

4. Take a shot everytime someone from Detroit drops an n-bomb.

5. Take three shots everytime from Silver Dragon drops an n-bomb.

IF DRINKING WITH FRIENDS:

6. Everytime Shawn Morrison appears onscreen, the last person to yell DIRTY HIPPIE must take a shot.

7. Everytime Sidney Rice appears on screen, everyone must scream a month in consecutive order. (So the first time she appears, January, the second, February). The person who says December must down 4 shots.

8. Everytime someone speaks in a language other than English, pour a shot into the communal glass.

9. Everytime someone fires a gun and misses, pour a shot into the communal glass.

10. Everytime someone says something along the lines of "I never thought this would happen to me" or "I don't want to be here" pour two shots into the communal glass.

11. Everytime Ben Grayson switches bandanna's, pour a shot into the communal glass.

12. Everyone pick a team. If the first person to die was on the team you picked, you must down the entire communal glass. (Pick well dearies, this one'll hurt.)

13. Take a shot everytime someone kills someone else. If the person has killed more than one person, take a shot for every person they killed. (So if it's their fourth kill, four shots.)

14. And FINALLY, the last person to pass out must drink the rest of whatever you're drinking. Because otherwise you're no fun.

Righto! If you're still alive in the morning, you can start all over again! Have fun, and take lots of pills for those wicked hangovers! Till next time, this is SickKitty signing out!

Mad Max's Rest of The Crap

Yawn. After the first couple hours, this game is shaping up- just like the last few seasons, to be the who’s who of who cares.

So, in light of this game being full of losers and bigger losers, I’m taking it upon myself to sift through the hours of footage and provide you will my highlight reel of expert opinion.

Welcome, peeps, to Mad Max’s Rest of the Crap.

No insights/interviews/columns today, seeing as everyone's busy watching/writing right now, so you guys will just have to make do with Quickfire crap and the usual stuff I put at the end.

Quickfire Crap:

Best … awkward love triangle goes to Mae St. Clair the hoe, Shawn Morrison the hippie and Zachariah Johnson the Snake-Eater for their surprisingly good scene in the waterfall. Kitty no doubt has Mae stripping DVR’d.

RIP Snake, by the way. You were a true American hero. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Worst … way of stealing a bandanna ever, Marvia Jones. Also, ratings and lesbians or not, I may or may not have raged at the stupidity of Natalie Chauncey and Marvia there, so stop sending me your “OMG DID U SEE MARVIA/NATE” messages while drooling at your keyboard.

Seriously, I’m surprised at how quickly people have adjusted to the teams. Actually can’t wait to see how they all form together.

I’d love it if… Ben Grayson would actually use the bandannas to his advantage, rather than just randomly putting one on like a tard.

Please kill… Harold Smythe. There’s no way this guy isn’t going to hurt himself. Also Nate, for taking MDMA from strangers. It’s the nicest way.

No Highight/Darklight of the Night yet, since it’s the morning still. So we’ll have good old Best Start/Worst Start instead.

Best Start: Todd Hudson, for creating a whole bunch of racial arguments on the internet after pulling a Harlem Heat and calling someone the n-word.

Worst Start: Tie: Poor John Benson just can’t catch a break. A fitting punishment for hitting Team Brown’s Mom with a Nerf Gun. Nate Chauncey takes MDMA and gets date raped and robbed. That’s just bad.

Until next week, follow me on twitter at @MadMax3967, send hate mail to electricworry21@gmail.com, and be jealous.

Comrade_Snowball's Game Recap #1 The Idiot Box

The Idiot Box

SotF: TV has had a long running tradition of idiotic or cannon fodder players. I think it would be fitting to take a moment now, point out a few kids who aren’t just cutting it, for one reason or the other

- Bob Lazenby - Every season has them, the whiners who bundle up into a ball, sobbing away until a bullet puts them out of their misery. Bob has not had a strong start, and has proven utterly useless. (Another handicap for the Black Team...)

- Ben Grayson – Now I know what you’re thinking. Ben has been given an ideal weapon for the early stages, the ability to disguise himself as a member of any team he may choose. But his methods have been pitiful at best. Throwing on a bandanna at random, he’s been trudging around, approaching random players, even when the bandannas clearly show an opposing team. I’m surprised he hasn’t been killed yet. Bad luck for Pink Team, their strategic weapon, stuck with by far one of the dimmest bulbs we’ve seen yet on SotF: TV

- John Benson – John had a particularly good stroke of luck, running across Jhamel Thompson and Brenda early on. The potential for an alliance was there, but John quickly established himself as a stuck up jerk, hitting Brenda with her own weapon, showing a lack of respect for April Stone and antagonizing Jhamel, seeking a weapon trade. It’s come back to bite him in the ass, his behaviour has led to his exclusion from the potential alliance. Youch.

- Jonas Jeffries – I pegged this jitterbug as an entertainment source, and boy was I right. Almost immediately Jonas was up and about, surprising a group of SDA students with his MAC-10. Unfortunately for Jonas, not being one of the smartest, he didn’t bother to read the manual, and after being surprised by Vincent Sullivan he was off. The resulting gunfire was spectacular, but didn’t result in any kills. He’s as good as dead as soon as the others get their bearings.

- Todd Hudson – I can overlook Todd mistaking Marcus Walker’s Yellow Bandanna for a Gold one. A stupid decision, but understandable. But as soon as he opened his mouth, Todd secured the status as “Mr. Too Dumb to Live”. Really Todd? Nigga? To the pissed off black boy?

- Natalie Chauncey, taking candy from strangers. Jees. First she gets snuck up on and nearly shot, next, she's taking pills with some girl in the park? Brain dead much? I wonder if this girl has a death wish or something...

Pink Team Analysis by Comrade_Snowball

Hey, it’s Snowball here! We’re keeping busy leaking more info on the teams. As you can see, Ajax-Kun and MadMax are assisting me, but expect even more well known SotF Bloggers coming in soon, as well as some new blood!
Now I’ve decided to review one of the more eccentric and unpredictable teams this Season, the Pink Team. A lot of controversy when they were first announced, it’s an all male squad and some say they’ve been overpowered in the weapons department. You be the judge. Let’s take a look!

TEAM PINK PHOTO

Mentor: Mike Patterson
Now, right of the bat it looks like Pink Team is in trouble. Mentors this year have run the gamut from SotF Experts to Military Instructors, even a past winner (Much love to Jared!). Some of the mentors however have been on the weaker end, and Patterson seems to be one of, if not the, weakest mentor. From what limited info the Producers have given us, Patterson seems to be a completely average fan, winning his place in that contest the SotF Team were running last summer. With MARwin crunching stats and Jared with first hand knowledge of the game, Patterson is at a huge disadvantage. He’s got the tools to make a decent run, but Pink could easily turn into this seasons joke team.
- Anyone heard of the term “Deer in the Headlights?” Exactly what we’re looking at here.
- Patterson isn’t the smartest guy out there, but then again, he’s not totally stupid judging from the promo material. Still, he’s fighting an uphill battle.

Team Member 1: Anthony Rollins
Traits: Friendly, Naturally Observant, Smaller Kid
Weapon: Claymore
Anthony seems like a weak member for Team Pink. If he can keep his head straight he could make a good lookout or scout for the rest of the guys, but I’m betting he’ll be an early out. Why? Anna Higgins, Member of Team Blue. Promo material suggests these two were either in a direct relationship, or film making buddies. Producers, the sadistically amazing bastards they are, have split the buddies up. If Anthony is going to get out of here, it’s going to be without Anna, or in a body bag. My instincts tell me Anthony is going to take his huge ass weapon (That he can barely hold, by the looks of things) and go looking for his friend, only to be untimely gunned down. Patterson and the rest of Team Pink better find out where his allegiances lay quick. Even if he abandons his buddy-buddy, I’m just not feeling it here.

Team Member 2: Jonas Jeffries
Traits: Twitchy, Smoker, Clumsy, Cowardly, Whiny, Unprincipled, Small and Nervous
Weapon: MAC-10
Ohhhh man, this is an interesting one. Jonas is as good as doomed, mark my words. Interesting to note, like Anthony he also seems to have close ties with a fellow student, Panya Bishara, on Team Black. But I’m thinking Jonas will go in a bit of a different direction, judging from his cowardly nature. Jeffries seems like someone who wouldn’t think twice about abandoning his friend, if it means his continued existence. Not that he’ll last long. Anyone remember “Hoot” Hawkely, Season 3? Clumsy bastard fell on his own grenade. Jonas is going in the same direction, and the more competent members of his team better realize it fast. I expect quite a few classic moments coming from Jonas’ prior to his untimely demise. Only question I have, will it be from friendly fire?

Team Member 3: Glen Bole
Traits: Bully, Track star, Juvie Hall Delinquent, Cowardly Jerkass
Weapon: SPAS-12
Here we go! Glen is in my opinion, the natural leader of Pink Team. While Anthony is off looking for his friend and Jonas is busy blowing off his feet, Glen is going to take the fight to the enemy. Cowardly, yes, but he’s also strong and doesn’t seem to be afraid to pull any punches. Mark my words; he’ll be a player from the beginning. And with a Shotgun backing him up, how cowardly can he really be? If Patterson gets the group together, Glen is going to be his voice on the ground. Pink Team could end up winning the whole thing if Glen takes control and ups the brutality. Hell, if Rollins or Jeffries end up sticking close to Bole, they could last until the end after all! Top Five written all over him.

Team Member 4: Benjamin Grayson
Traits: Medic, Artist, Loner, Bookworm
Weapon: Full Set of Team Bandannas
A lot of variables with Benji here. He could serve his purpose, an ideal team medic giving his knowledge of first aid. But then again, the kid doesn’t have that much social skills, limiting his weapon usage. I can see him getting along with Anthony easy, but Glen? I’m not sure on this one... For their sake, let’s hope Benji takes orders well. He doesn’t have a weapon, but he could easily grab one from Jonas as soon as he snuffs it. If he can get those bandannas to his team, I can picture an early game massacre of epic proportions, perpetrated by Glen.

Team Member 5: Isaac King
Traits: Gun Training, Small Kid, Weak, Cautious
Weapon: IMI Desert Eagle
Isaac makes an ideal second in command, if Glen gets his ass in gear. He’s one of those few kids with gun training, rifles in this case. I expect him to be a top tier killer if Pink Team forms together. Not much else to say, but I can picture him making it to the end if he can hook up with his team.

OVERALL
Well, well, well. Pink Team certainly has a lot of options. Weak links are most definitely Jonas and Anthony, and I predict a messy demise for the entire team unless those two are dealt with or fall into line. Benji could hack it if he sticks close to Glen and Isaac. Personality wise, I can see Anthony clashing with Glen, with Glen coming out on top. Worth following Isaac, Glen and Jonas, entertainment wise. Isaac and Glen could go all the way if Patterson proves decent, and Jonas is bound to ruin /something/ before he dies. Benji looks to be a support character, and I predict Anthony will die before half.