The Loner: Analysis by SickKitty

This just in, there's a loner lurking about! That's right, now that all the teams have been leaked, there appears to be one little speck of nothing floating around on TV completely alone.

His name is JACK LEMMON, his weapon is an S&W, he hates guns, and he has ADD. Usually I'd say being teamless would be an advantage- I mean, you're not stuck to kids you hate, there's no stupid mentor to answer too, there's nobody to have obnoxious, adorable sexual tension with- it should be easy sailing! That is, it should be easy sailing if you were someone halfway competent, which this loser really isn't. They put the ONE kid with ADD on a team all by himself, which means there's no one around to tell him to focus. Either he'll slide under the radar so much that he wins by default, or he'll be dead first, but either way I don't care. He's not even that attractive! Lame! Why even put this kid in the competition if they were just gonna screw him over? Does anyone else smell something fishy? No, because no one gives a flying fuck about this kid. Next!

Team Position...or...uh...Self...Position?: The Alone and Royally Boned.

Team 13 Analysis by SickKitty

Right, while I’m waiting for some more lovely little stragglers to get off their asses and really get this game going, I might as well continue onward with the Team Analysis’. We’re already live, so most of you have probably seen the first members of this team wake up, but let’s get better acquainted with the oddball members of Team 13, shall we?

Firstly, does anyone else find it odd that Team 13 is colorless? I mean, come on Producers, did you really run out of colors, or were you trying to be all cool and edgy, what with their mentor?

Speaking, of, let’s talk about her, shall we?

The Mentor- The Mysterious Stranger. Oh good Christ give me a break. There’s literally no info on this chick except that she’s, well, a chick, and like a million feet tall too. You know, I bet she requested her team be Team 13, because it’s all mysterious and cool and blah blah freaking blah. You aren’t interesting, I don’t know you, I don’t care. I mean, seriously, if your only characteristic is that you’re “mysterious” then why should I give a shit about you? Seriously, JARED is a mentor, and you think I care what you have to say Ms. Shadow With a Voice? Ugh, no. Let’s just get onto your pathetic team, shall we?

13A-Zachariah Johnson- Oh boy, another un-cutie. Seriously, where are all the sexy boys? I mean, not that I’m complaining about all the wonderful females, but seriously, I need more abs in my life! Come on boys, try harder! Oh well, Zachariah isn’t much in the looks department, and he has fucking Aspergers. So socially, unless he’s stuck with a bunch of his best buddies, the kid is pretty much screwed. He is a pretty major SOTF fan though, and apparently has some sort of list thing about all the mistakes people make? I’d say that this would help him, but I’ve been watching the show long enough to know that no matter how much prior knowledge you have, it won’t help you when you’ve been shot in the gut by someone bigger, stronger, faster and smarter than you. Weapon- Monkey Wrench. See what I mean? This loser’s not getting anywhere with a weapon as lame as that. I bet he’s one of the first out. Team Position- The Fanboy.

13B- Rishi Kohli- Oh god no. This kid is ug-ly. I may sound superficial but...oh wait that’s right I AM superficial. This kid has a face not even his mother can love. Or at least, I wouldn’t love it if I were his mother. Big eyebrows, chubby face, a MOLE? Uh, give me Kevin again! I didn’t know what I was in for! He plays Cricket, but that’s pretty much useless when it comes to SOTF. I mean, seriously, throwing a ball is gonna help you kill a bunch of other people? Yeah, right. He’s also the only kid who’s not white or rich on the team, so in team he’s pretty well screwed too. Better luck next ti- Oh wait that’s right you won’t get a next time cause you’re dead. My bad. Weapon- Extra Rations. Well at least he can keep himself fed. Not that he’ll need them when he’s dead by Day 2. Team Position: The Foreigner.

13C- Peter Campbell- Hmmm. Not bad Peter, not bad. I am a fan of the stoner look, and he pulls it off quite nicely, if I do say so myself. He’s no Leo, but he’s got the eyecandy potential. Even if he is pretty short. It’s okay Petey, I like a short boy every now and then. Mixes it up, you know? This might be one to look out for from Team 13, if only because he seems more open to making the tough decisions. Of course, he’ll be without his stash, which could leave him in a seriously bad state of mind. I’d keep an eye on him- he could be the best or he could be a mess, but either way I think he’ll be lots of fun. Weapon- Playboy Magazine. Oh....oh boy. This is almost as good as that Dildo. Remember to put your weapon to good use, Peter, the whole world is watching! And by the whole world, I mean me, of course. Team Position: The Wild Card.

13D- Simon Porter- Oh god a shortstuff. This kid is smaller than I am! Hey now, that’s no way to make a Lady feel good about herself, now is it? I’d be shocked if a gust of wind didn’t rip him in half. Not to mention he’s a sickly thing too. He may have a love of the outdoors, but if you run out of breath while fleeing from the guy trying to kill you, your appreciation for trees isn’t gonna do shit for you. This kid is useless in so many ways that it hurts just looking at him. Weapon- Stun Gun. Well, he can stun his enemies, but unless he finds a good rock to bash their brains in, he’s still first out by a mile. Team Position: The Completely Useless One.

13E-Suzanne Lanford- Well this girl just ruined the streak of attractive females this season. Short, too pale, not busty, kinda chubby, not very fashionable? Not even a lick of fanservice from this nerdy lady. And like Simon, she’s sickly too? What is this, the fodder team? Lame! She doesn’t even have any friends she can ride on the backs of, so this girl is dead in the water. Looks like her and Simon will have a nice competition to see who dies first though! Weapon- Pair of Walkie Talkies. Useless weapon for a useless girl. Really not much else to say. Team Position: The Double X.

Overall Analysis: Team 13 is, very fittingly, the most unlucky team on the face of the earth. Useless people, all of them with some sort of problem- chubby poor kid, sickly rich kids, nerdy loners, stash-less stoners. Added to the fact that they got screwed with weapons too- a Playboy Mag is a amazing, but you can’t exactly kill anyone with Ms. November now can you- and their useless and uninteresting mentor and you can pretty much guarantee that Team 13 will be the first whole team eliminated. That is, unless Peter is smart and ditches his team for another. If that happens, he might actually come out farther than any of his teammates, but he’s the only one with the tiniest chance. Team 13 is sure to be obnoxiously boring, but at least they’ll be gone before long.

Blue Team Analysis by sotf67

BLUE TEAM ANALYSIS

Most of you guys probably don't know me, being a newbie to the SOTF-TV blogging scene and all, but I figured that I should probably make at least some kind of contribution to the blog instead of simply lurking around and cursing out fangirls (and speaking of cursing out fangirls, I'll apologize to yofu, kawaii!!sotf, that was definitely uncalled for on my part). And thus, I decided to write this analysis. You guys *probably* won't really enjoy reading this, but if you enjoy bland and informative analyses then this is probably for you. But hey, at least it's here.

MENTOR: MARIE ROUX

GENERAL: The Blue Team's mentor is Marie Roux, a minor French diplomat to the UN, and apparently a huge SOTF-TV fan who has gone as far to propose a multinational version of the show where students from each country compete on the behalf of their nation. (That's a great way to earn brownie points in the international community, ask countries to send their teenagers to death *and* make it based on an American game show!) Besides that, there's not too much to say about her, besides the fact that whoever compiled the SOTF-TV character profiles is a failure at research for giving her the label "The Foreign Ambassador", since ambassador is the highest ranking representative of a nation and it's explicitly stated that she's a minor diplomat. But whatever, that's neither here nor there.

PROS: OK, I really don't see much here that's going for her. Sure, she's definitely determined to win, but determination is something that helps with other game-winning attributes, not THE game-winning attribute. She's probably good at negotiating with people and influencing them, being a diplomat, but that's really not going to help here since action is almost always the deciding factor in SOTF-TV. And... well... that's about it.

CONS: Although she doesn't really have many pros, Madame Roux here doesn't seem to have any glaring flaws either. Yes she doesn't have much practical experience, but then again, barely any of the mentors do. Perhaps only thing that really contrasts with the others is that she'd be content with "putting on a good show" - meaning that she might simply choose to go out with a boom rather than actually playing it out the boring but rational way that gets people to the end. It's really hard to know, though, so just keep watching.

OVERVIEW: An OK mentor, I suppose, not a good one, not a bad one. She doesn't have the skills of Lt. Colonel Whatshisname, the experience of Jared, or the endless analysis of MarWIN, but at least she's not Susan Crawford. Still, overall she's probably tilted more to the useless side, but you can't really know until she gets into action.

STUDENT ONE: JASZMINE JOHNSON

GENERAL: Jaszmine is the first of the Blue Team students, from Detroit Central High. She's apparently a bit cynical due to one minor bout of job loss and depression by her father, and yet wants help the world though... using fashion design to make donations to charity? What? Excuse my tangent, but that's really as hopelessly naive as it gets, charity hardly ever helps anyone. Ever heard the old adage "greed is good"? It's true in SOTF-TV, and it's true in real life. There's actually nothing else to say about her in general, that's pretty much it about her.

PROS: Well, first off, she's determined and a hard worker. Like I said before of Madame Roux, "determination is something that helps with other game-winning attributes, not THE game-winning attribute". That, and the fact that she has a gun, which now makes her a definite candidate to survive to midgame, at the very least. (Most people who draw a gun do.) And, of course, her determination is now worth ever so much more - good weapon + determination = very potent combination. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised at all if she survives to endgame, I don't see an easy out in her.

CONS: She's cynical, so she might have trouble making allies and cooperating with others. That's about the only "disadvantage" I could glean from her profile, really. In a regular game, this would really not be a problem, and even might be an advantage, as all people in a regular age ARE indeed guided by self interest, but this is a team game, which necessitates cooperation. Her teammates are also not exactly top-tier, and if the girl with the best weapon in the team can't cooperate with them then there could be trouble.

OVERVIEW: Good draw and great determination makes her a decent candidate for surviving until endgame. However, in a team game her cynical attitude might come back to bite her in the back. She can bring this team either up or down - she's got the best draw out of all of them, and could be the top performer, but her attitude might be what breaks the team apart, especially because of her draw. Still, definitely going to be an interesting watch.

STUDENT TWO: ANNA HIGGINS

GENERAL: Another DCH student. Apparently her parents got separated shortly after she was born, and her mother then remarried. She managed to avoid problematic situations in an environment like Detroit by watching television and learning about these things without actually encountering them (I'm being serious here) to the point of being '"raised by the television". Normally, I would make a joke about us being SOTF-TV addicts and all, but there are *certain* people in the fan community who take the whole thing so seriously that they can't take a joke. Finally, she also took an interest in art, movies, drama, and music, so she's definitely a right-brain kind of person. That about sums it up.

PROS: Really not much going for her. She's definitely creative, but that almost never makes an impact on SOTF-TV unless they go and "create" a way to escape. She's also supposed to have some guaranteed allies, but this isn't much of a benefit in a team game where everyone has guaranteed allies, and could end up detrimental in the sense that she might end up needing to kill these "guaranteed allies". Also, apparently not many people dislike her (not important when half the people don't know you), and can lie well (which often ends badly in SOTF-TV). Yay.

CONS: She's apparently supposed to be loud and annoying, which is not a good thing when your on a team. Did I mention she has a bad draw? And when you can't get along well with others on a team and have a bad draw, well, that's not a good thing. Because of her loudness, she's not good at hiding, which is a bad thing in SOTF-TV when simply hiding can save your life half of the time if you can suck in your pride (which you should). Finally, and most importantly, she's out of shape due to having a sedentary lifestyle, which of course is not a good thing in a heavily physical activity like SOTF-TV. Yeah, it's a bit ironic for people like us to by typing that, but I'm not the one on the island, at least not this year.

OVERVIEW: Not seeing good chances in this one. Her disadvantages greatly outweigh her advantages, and I'm seeing more of a liability to the team then anything. Still, you never know, the artistic/creative types have a tendency to surprise us, it's not a rare occurrence to have one of the top-tier killers or escape artists of the season to be an overlooked artist.

STUDENT THREE: JOSHUA DOYLE

GENERAL: Joshua is one of two students in Team Blue from Silver Dragon Academy (SDA), the other school with students participating in SOTF-TV. Tangent time - What kind of idiot makes the business decision to allow your students to participate in a game show where most (if not all) of your students will die, and also let a teacher participate as a mentor? It's a private school, people, the government may be backing up the show but ultimately whoever owns the school decides. I'm guessing there were bribes involved, but the enrollment at SDA will drop like flies, I assure you. But anyways, Joshua Doyle. He's good academically and something of a nerd if you care to use that word. Before someone tries to say it's ironic that I'm saying that, don't forget we're geeks on this website, not nerds, although I might be considered both. More importantly, however, he also got very severe anger management problems, and requires medicine to keep them in check. Watching people without medicine snap - one of the great pleasures of SOTF-TV. That's all that's of interest about him.

PROS: He learns quickly and thinks logically, that's good. However, much as people like to try to think otherwise, skill (and weapons, for that matter) in SOTF-TV is about what you've got at the start, not about what you get over time, either you survive the crucial early game or you don't. Decent memory as well, but I don't see that helping much to be completely honest. His weapon's not horrible, but not great either. It does put him above all the others who've drawn complete junk, though, I'll say that much.

CONS: Ah, where to begin, where to begin? First off, his anger management problems, he's not going to be getting any medication on his island and seeing him explode will be quite amusing. Of course, it'll also be quite detrimental, too, anger is no substitute for skill and calm, rational thinking in battle, as we've seen so many times before in SOTF-TV. His weapon's not exactly a good thing to be using while angry, either. He's also somewhat weak arm-wise, which isn't good, especially without a decent gun.

OVERVIEW: Joshua's disadvantages greatly outweigh his advantages, as he's got anger management problems and dependency to medicines to control it to boot! Definitely going to be amusing to watch him lose his head in anger, idiomatically and maybe even literally. I definitely predict he'll get "Most Amusing Death", folks.

STUDENT FOUR: AXEL STADLER

GENERAL: The last of the DCHers here in Blue Team. He's apparently very dynamic personality-wise, and something of a loner. Also, he's the second cynic in this team, along with Jaszimine of course. He's also a pragmatist as well, choosing solely based on reason. When he talks to others, he's brutally honest and wants everyone else to do the same. Interestingly, he believes that everyone has "layers" and that he simply has more of them then others, whatever that might mean. He's also a big SOTF-TV fan, it's always fun to have 'em. Along the way, he's picked up decent reflexes and knife skills, so he's not totally lacking in valuable skills. Finally, he's got insomnia and is a bit paranoid in the dark, so a very interesting combination of traits overall.

PROS: Pragmatism is always a good thing on SOTF-TV, the people who tend to die the most are the most inflexible ones. Reflexes and weapons skills are good, even if it's only with a knife, as I've said before, the skill you start with is the skill that will carry you through. If only he started with Joshua's weapon, though, his skills would be usable immediately and with a decent weapon to boot. Finally, he's got knowledge of SOTF-TV, which is always a sizable benefit, although not as much as some would like to think (I'm looking at you, MarWIN).

CONS: He's not a team player. That's never really a good thing when you're playing a team game, obviously. He's a bit lacking in strength, but that's not a huge problem when he's got some speed and dexterity to back him up. Insomnia is also not a good thing, alertness is crucial when you're in SOTF-TV. His paranoia in the darkness may not be as detrimental as one may think, though, it could very will help counteract his insomnia, although it might just make him lose sleep for no reason at all. Also, his weapon sucks.

OVERVIEW: Definitely an interesting person, could go either way. Probably not exactly endgame material, but he might be able to get to the midgame and provide us with a couple of interesting scenes. If he can get his knowledge to work, then he might be able to get a little further, but only might. Not going to make any predictions on this guy, he's totally unpredictable in many ways more then one. Still, maybe one, as I have a feeling his lack of willingness to work as a team will hurt him...

STUDENT FIVE: LOU BECKER

OVERVIEW: The last member of the team and the second SDAer in the team. Note that he's a guy, no matter how his name might fool you. Apparently an early adopter of SOTF-TV, like many of us here, and actually apparently did a SOTF-TV blog once. Not as successful as ours, though, not by a long show. It's actually still floating around on the internet somewhere, google "Lou Becker SOTF-TV blog" if you want to see it for yourself. Also likes violent video games and the infamous place we all know and fear known as /b/. Also, he says he's got nothing to look forward to in life, and shuts himself from the outside world, just waiting for high school to be over. Again, I REALLY want to make a joke here but I know how that'll end, so that's a no-no.

PROS: Well, he's very knowledgeable about SOTF-TV, which like I've said before is a benefit but not as much as one might think. Also is "intelligent", but intellect doesn't count for much when you're on the other end of a gun. The machete's an OK weapon, at least it's usable. That's it, really. Nope, he doesn't have much going for him.

CONS: He's fat and out of shape, which is always a bad thing when you're up in close combat or trying to avoid getting shot or one of the other hundred things you need to do in SOTF-TV that needs at least some physical fitness. He's also unpopular and anti-social, which of course is less of a problem in a team game then a regular game due to the already guaranteed. Still, he needs to at least get along with his teammates, and being antisocial doesn't really help.

OVERVIEW: Yet another liability to the team. He's got nothing the team needs and isn't much of a team player, and he's not very fit and likely to slow them down. Another early out, maybe another of the team members could use the machete. Really not much more to say about him, besides that anyone who says SOTF-TV knowledge is a gamewinning is horribly, horribly, wrong.

TEAM OVERVIEW

Blue Team is not horrible, as far as teams go, they have a couple of decent people and at least one gun. The mentor and some of the students are a bit lacking, but most of them have *some* redeeming qualities. I have doubts they are going to survive to the endgame, but they hardly look like one that will be quickly eliminated, like Brown or worse yet Green. As for how entertaining they will be, it'll be simply about how they'll play, I think they'll be a decent watch for those like me who could care less about shipping. And... yeah, that about sums it up.

~sotf67

Green Team Analysis by MidnightQ

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

Greetings again readers,

It’s MidnightQ once more. This time I’ve come to share with you my thoughts on Green Team. Enviro-Team, Conserva-Team, or whatever you want to call them has made it into my possession. Or rather, the leaked data that is the team roster has made it into my possession. I can say with absolute certainty that Green Team is by far the most interesting exercise in publicity stunts I have ever seen on the show. (Barring of course the stunt pulled with the fifth season. Truly unforgettable.) And I can say also that I just might not be overly harsh in my judgments. This assumes of course that the members of Green Team are even worth my time. Only a look at the roster will tell me for sure.

THE MENTOR

The first part of the incredible ratings gamble that is Green Team is also perhaps the most interesting part. For none other than Susan Crawford has been chosen to mentor Green Team. Susan, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for what happened to Erin. What she endured was an atrocity and testament to the extent of the horrors man can inflict upon our fellow man. Truly such terrible things should never be given the chance to occur. Even if such events provided endless hours of discussion and debate over just how long that kind of thing needs to go on before it becomes ‘totally lame’, pardon my vernacular. (Oh and there’s also the bonus of that footage being a great case study for psychology studies. I highly recommend using it and seeing what comes up in the following course discussion.)

Anyway, that’s beside the point. What is the point of this analysis is seeing how good Miss Crawford is for the team. (It is Miss Crawford, correct? I don’t want to assume things about your marital status. Why that would be almost as rude as you are to most everyone you speak with.) I can say that despite her position and methods, inane as they are, Miss Crawford is actually quite a good fit. She’s studied SOTF almost religiously. If she weren’t such a vehement opponent you could almost make a case that she’s the biggest fan of the show there is. (Apologies to everyone else wanting that title.) The only problem is I don’t see her actually using that wealth of knowledge for the good of the team. No doubt she’s going to try and get to them to escape. While that’s always good, and entertaining, the incredibly low rates of escape over the course of show indicate that it isn’t wise to focus all your effort on escaping. So much for giving out strategies to help them beat out all their opponents.

THE STUDENTS

GRN1: Sean Davidson

Excuse me while I make a copy of the photograph that came with the roster. There. That should do it. Now before I distract myself further I should get on with my analysis. The athleticism will come in handy, I suppose. It isn’t much but it is better than what most of the contestants thus far have going for them. What interests me more is his mind. (Not in that way. Though perhaps sometime in the future when such things become viable…) Every so often, you can just tell that some people were just born in the wrong century. Sean is one of those people. His interest in history, philosophy, basically anything about the ‘old world’ is most intriguing. To be honest I doubt it will do him much good, but it is nice to see someone this day and age actually using his or her mind for more than gratification of base desires. (As fun as they are to gratify.) As for his weapon, I do fear he could have gotten a better one. A Super Soaker, even a monster one, isn’t particularly effective compared to other, more lethal, weapons in play. My prediction for him is as follows: He’ll die quick if he doesn’t find the rest of his team soon. That weapon will not help him.

We as a species need people like Sean. People who aren’t going to forget the progress we’ve made in such a short time. Even if that progress has resulted in today’s world, as bad as it is sometimes, it is still progress. Good to know that someone hasn’t forgotten that we’ve only made it this far on the wings of those before us. Sean, thank you for your interest in the world before. You deserve better than this. (But we don’t all get what we deserve now do we? To that end, he’ll be fun to watch.)

GRN2: David Myerez

Just how do you pronounce that last name? Is it Me-yers? Mi-ye-rez? (I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.) Anyway, Green Team does seem to have a good bit of eye candy. (It’s just my opinion though. There’s no need to go spreading it around.) It seems he’s got a bit of MacGyver in him. Well maybe he’s not that good but still. His skill with a skateboard probably won’t get to be shown off, but his ability going all parkour might. We’ll see on both counts. What worries me is his mental state. Seems the poor boy was in a rather nasty accident, and his girl/friend got killed. (I’m not sure what exactly she was to him. My info doesn’t say. I’ll have to talk to someone at his school after the season ends.) He changed a lot after that. Having been so close to death, I wonder how he’ll handle being even closer. Trauma like that does mysterious things. Makes you wonder how he’ll use that Gladius of his. (I hope he keeps to proper technique. Those things are harder to use than they look. Yes I have used one. I’ll relate the tale later.) My prediction for him is as follows: We’ll see a spectacular show when he comes across death or is forced to kill someone. Mark my words. It will be epic.

Having seen death so close, maybe he’s more aware of his mortality. Might he be more ready than the common man to shuffle off his mortal coil? Does he believe in the existence of the soul? Of life after death? Is any of this speculation relevant? All that and more will be answered as we observe our friend David during his run on SOTF-TV. I can’t wait.

GRN3: Alexis “Lexi” Allwell

Well all’s well that ends well. But this won’t end well. So it probably won’t be well. (I’ll stop now.) First thing sweetie, lose the spray-tan and we’ll talk. It doesn’t suit you, in my opinion. (Though I admit to bias, as I don’t think it suits anyone.) That small frame will certainly come in handy staying hidden. And that rope and grappling hook have many uses. Though most of them take time, which she may not have when discovered. Lexi’s shyness concerns me, as anyone with a good presence might influence her in a bad way. Her time spent playing tennis should have her be in shape enough to run away if she finds herself in a bad spot. I’ll assume so until I see otherwise. Though I just have to say that the spoiled-child thing she got with her parents will not help her on the show. And from what I’ve heard, she doesn’t really like the show when there isn’t an escape going on. (I’ll have to verify that. It’s all based on info from message boards that she’s posted on. At least I assume it’s her. Who knows, it could be someone completely different.) My prediction for her is as follows: She’ll hide a lot. It’s the only way I see her staying alive until the group finds each other.

Alexis is definitely going to have to come out of her shell during the game. And she’d going to take a crash course in learning how to use what you have when you don’t have what you want. Good lessons. If she survives, I think I’ll just splurge and buy her whatever anything she might ask me for. It’s the least I can do for her, as I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun to follow on her journey into the heart of darkness. (I’ve just realized I’ve used that exact same line in an analysis of a previous season. Oh well, I like it too much to change it.)

GRN4: Chelsea Roberts

Chelsea is moderately attractive. (Meaning I’d have to strike out on some good finds before I consider her.) No offense Miss Roberts, but I’ve seen better. (Like BLK5.) Still, I’m not judging entirely by looks. Doing so is shallow and uninformed. And there’s nothing more annoying than being uninformed. And that’s what I like about Chelsea. She’s anything but uninformed. She’s got so much info in that head, and she can recall it in great detail. Though I wonder if it’s all just book-smarts. It sure seems that way. My advice for her is she needs to open up to others a bit more. She won’t last long if she doesn’t learn to live in the real world. (Well, SOTF-TV isn’t exactly the best place to start but she can’t exactly pick somewhere else to start now can she?) That aluminum baseball bat she’s got should help to fend off attackers. Assuming, of course, that’s she has to will and the way to swing it. (Pun unintentional.) I swear it’s almost as if the monkey interns are psychic or something. They always seem to know what to give someone to make it very difficult for him or her to survive. At least, that applies to people I’m interested in. My prediction for her is as follows: Her knowledge won’t do her much good unless she can get a gun. Then I can see her as a powerhouse. Here’s hoping.

One thing I’ve learned about the world is that you can’t categorize everything into neat little compartments. Not in the real world. The world of fiction is all for that. The world of our minds thrives on it. But real people are just too unpredictable for categorization. (On a small scale. Large-scale cases, we’re like cattle.) Chelsea’s got the brains to be a star here. I wonder if she’ll live up to my expectations. (And the expectations of her parents. And her fans.)

GRN5: Michael Clark

Who is like God? That’s what Michael’s name means. Interesting factoid there. And really, he’ll needs God’s help to live long enough to ditch that butter knife. (A butter knife, seriously? I knew those monkey interns were psychic.) Still, when it comes to pure physicality Michael’s got most of the students in the show beat. I can see him easily overpowering most everyone he comes across. But the game isn’t all about the rough and tough stuff. No, much of the game is won with mind games, subtle plans, and the cunning to abuse other’s weaknesses to the fullest. His interest in music and literature won’t help him much. Though I applaud his effort into becoming more cultured than most people, the simple facts are that no book or song in the history of the world has even blown someone’s face off. (Although I read a comment one time assuring me that exact thing had happened. I’m still investigating.) All I can say is, he better get a good weapon soon. Then he’ll be a real good bet to win. My prediction for him is as follows: If he meets a kid with a gun and an itchy trigger finger at the start, it’s goodbye. If he meets a melee weapon user, then I’d say he’d get a decent weapon. Late in the game, if he makes it that far, he’ll be a favorite for victory.

I wonder if his parents knew what they were proclaiming over Michael’s life when they named him. Could God be on his side? Might he have an angel looking out for him? Will his life settle centuries of debate and definitively prove or disprove the existence of God? Most likely not, as I see little connection to the spirit world in him. But surely that world is more real than this one. After all, this world is but a fleeting dream.

OVERALL ANALYSIS

Green Team’s got a lot of good players on it. They don’t have good weapons, but relieving undeserving kids of good weapons should alleviate their problem. If they do all survive long enough to form up as a team, I predict they’ll be real power hitters. The students, the second-and-final-part of the publicity stunt known as Green Team, are an interesting bunch. I can see a wealth of entertainment from their time on the show.

Oh, and I have a parting word with Miss Crawford. Shouting expletives at people and raising your voice aren’t conductive to rational discussion. If you really want to change how people see SOTF, then please explain your points calmly. I enjoy a good shouting match as much as the next person, but I’ve just about had it with you Miss Crawford. And not everyone thought your sister’s death was ‘the most awesome thing ever that season’. Some of us thought it was a little too much, even for SOTF. (Though looking back at it, I can’t say for certain which side of the fence I’m on. I think maybe a few more viewings should cement my thoughts on it. I haven’t watched that remix video in a long time.)

END TRANSMISSION

Purple Team Analysis by Comrade_Snowball

Hey folks, it’s Comrade_Snowball again! Back with another Team Analysis’, this time we’ll be checking out the Purple Team!

MENTOR
Every season there comes along a select few contestants, those lucky few with the skills and guts to hack it in wilds of SotF. Sometimes these clear frontrunners don’t do nearly as well as we hope. All the gun training and parkour skills in the world can’t save you when you’re bleeding from a gut shot, half a world away. Jared Clayton was not one of those people. He was by all accounts, an early out. But Jared had the one thing his competitors didn’t count on. Willpower.
While the rest of the mentors this year are “experts” Purple Team is truly blessed to have the only mentor with legit experience. Jared Clayton came out of nowhere to win in SotF, and more importantly, he came out of the ordeal sane. With that kind of credentials, it would be beyond stupid for anyone on the Purple Team to ignore his advice. Jared has the brains and first hand knowledge to take his team far, well past the half-mark, well into the finals!

Madelyn Connor
Traits: Athletic, Anger-Issues, White Knight Syndrome, Inattentive
Weapon: Glow Sticks
Madelyn Connor has what it takes to be a true contender, if it weren’t for a few nagging details. As we all know, trust is one of the weakest traits to have in SotF. Madelyn not only has trust in spades, but she has the unfortunate “White Knight Syndrome” as well. With a poor weapon draw, I can picture her jumping into harms way early on, and getting shot well before Purple Team’s mentor can set her on the right track. Even if Jared somehow manages to rein her in, Madelyn is far too dull-witted to last. Expect her to die via trap or by her own stupidity before half. Sorry Jared, just can’t save them all.

Amber Lyons
Traits: Whore, Cunning, Bisexual, Beautiful, Weak
Weapon: Short Spear
Now this is someone Jared can put to good use! Amber is the ideal player during the opening stages of the game. She’s one to quicken the pulse, and that can definitely be used to her team’s advantage. As often as we see the age old “Black Widow” Gambit, it never fails to work. If she’s not afraid to loosen a few bra-straps, she’ll make a kill or two easy before having to revise her plan of attack. And if Amber manages to get her hands on a gun she could make it to the end under Jared’s guidance, cackling all the way off the Island.

Karen Ruiz
Traits: Loner, Cautious
Weapon: Glock
Not much to say about Karen. She appears to be a wild card! It’s impossible to say what way she’ll swing; she’s either a player or early game victim. Whatever way she goes, expect a lot of contestants going “Huh? Who’s Karen?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict mid game death, her gun passed on to a more useful team member.

Cesar Perdomo
Traits: Stoner, “One of Us”, Tall, Gun Experience, Follower, Friendly
Weapon: Febreeze
Poor Cesar! One of the few with actual gun experience, and he’s drawn a can of Febreeze. Best hope you run into Karen early on Cesar. Actually, your team better hope you have the guts to actually open fire! All the experience in the world can’t help you if you can’t bring yourself to end a life. I’m sure Jared knows that first hand, after his clash with Mike Martelli during his own SotF run. If anyone can bring Cesar around, it’s Purple Team’s Mentor though. If Jared succeeds, I think we can expect a somewhat guilty Cesar slinking his way into end game.

Sterling Odair
Traits: Athletic, Popular, Bisexual, Depressed, Anxiety Problems
Weapon: Hatchet
Well, in any other case I’d say Purple Team has found their on0site leader! Of course, Sterling has some issues to work out. Rather sad to see, the kid would make an excellent commander, for those willing to listen. A lot of “ifs” involved with Sterling. IF he can keep from cracking, IF he can link up with his team, IF Jared can give him good enough instructions… I can see Sterling making it to end game, but I can just as easily see him getting knocked off halfway through.

OVERALL
Jared has some work to do. His team isn’t the most heavily armed, and there will definitely be problems convincing certain members to play by his rules. Still, that doesn’t rule Purple Team out. Some of the most stacked teams have been given terrible mentors, and Jared is sure to give them a perspective unlike any other. Madelyn is as good as gone but Amber and Cesar are practically guaranteed a spot in the finals. I wonder if any of the others will be joining? Don’t rule out Purple Team. They might not have brute force, but they’ll soon have the one thing the other teams don’t. Willpower.

Red Team Analysis by Killer_Toaster

Hey, KT here for Survival of the Snarkiest. You know how it is, you're waiting for the next season to start up, and in comes Snowball (maybe I should've taken "Napoleon" as a screenname...) with an invite. What better blogger to take part in these things than the guy who won with a fucking toaster and got three kills with it before switching out, I guess. So there's a few changes this season, and thanks to good ol' MARwin (MarWIN? Gah, whatever) we've got the docs to go over. You've probably seen some of the other team evaluations, so I don't have to explain too much, though I seem to be the only one who's noticed the literal class warfare going on. I've got Red Team to start with, and it looks like they've got a pretty interesting lineup. Got the two Fs if you catch my drift: firepower and fanservice. I mean, every season seems to have at least a couple girls with pretty faces, really nice tits and often a lot to live for. Wonder if the execs pick by cup size? Either way, Red Team's ladies are definitely getting invitations to a hotel room of mine if they all make it out; failing that, I see a lot of fic comin'. Well anyway, they've got some nice weapons between them and an interesting mentor, so let's have a look. These guys could go places.

Mentor: Lieutenant Colonel Max Briggs
Ah, the military man. I feel kinda bad for him getting stuck with this lot, but maybe it'll do the team some good. The disciplined approach should make things interesting, at least, especially since he doesn't seem too fond of the team he landed with. His uber-serious nature will either help the kids or just clash badly with their outlooks and the other mentors' personalities.
Pros: The guy's a military officer; he's got experience fighting for his life and leading men and stuff. If that doesn't help these guys, nothing will; he knows how to whip a group into shape and turn 'em into a fighting force. If they listen up and actually take what he says to heart, they might have a good chance of making it.
Cons: Well, for one he expects way too much of a bunch of highschool kids. They're not going to turn into a badass commando squad overnight, and I could see him getting frustrated at their abilities. He also doesn't have the kind of familiarity with the game a lot of the other mentors bring in. That's going to trip him up, I bet, and it could bite Red Team right in the arse.

Marvia Jones
Weapon: Steyr AUG
Mmm, see what I mean about fanservice? People like Miss Jones are brought in at least partly to draw eyes to the screen, even if they're not exactly looking at her face. I certainly wouldn't be... um, yeah, depending on how things go she could be a real asset to the team. She's got the best weapon of the bunch, and if the mentor reins in that temper of hers it could do a lot of good. She's used blades, too, so get her one of those as backup and she could be pretty good combat muscle. Wouldn't trust her with a much more important role, but really, combat muscle is pretty damn important in SOTF.
Pros: She's got a damn assault rifle, for one, which gives the team a powerful advantage. Like I said, she knows how to use a blade, and did I mention the whole thing about being hot? Damn! Could say that about all three Red Team chicks though, so not gonna note it down again. If she keeps cool and sticks to that friendly side of her it could help with alliances. Overall, if guided right by the mentor there's a good chance of her being a solid member of the team.
Cons: Her temper's the main thing. If the officer can't rein her in or she explodes at the wrong time, it's gonna screw the team over big time, if not outright being a Game Over. There's also her drug dependency; this really isn't the kind of game you want to be a junkie in. If that withdrawal kicks in at the wrong time, it's going to get people killed.

Jeanette Buendia
Weapon: Switchblade
Ooh, sexy Latina chick too. She's got one of the weaker weapons, but a switchblade can still mess you up if someone gets close enough; good stealth weapon, or something for a surprise assault. Apparently she's got some brains, too, that never hurts in this kind of thing; all the firepower in the world won't help someone without the intelligence to use it. That and her resourcefulness should be helpful in the game, as long as she and the others can work together. We're going to find it boils down to that one fact for much of the team; can they actually work with each other, co-exist long enough to turn into an effective force? Bah, it was easier in my day; kill everyone that's not you. It's not gonna work as well that way for this lot.
Pros: She's got the Advantage I Will Not Name, along with intelligence and resourcefulness. That popularity should be useful, maybe it'll help cool otherwise hostile situations down a bit. Overall, decently useful team member.
Cons: Not very physically strong, which is especially disadvantageous when you've a close-quarters weapon. You've got to be like, right in someone's face with a switchblade, and I'm not sure she has the physical power for that kind of fighting. Lack of endurance is another of those game-breaking disadvantages, as is the inability to concentrate on things. If she's not careful, or the mentor doesn't pay her close attention, she's going to be the team's weak link I think. It'd be a shame if she got taken down because she was screwing around.

Jhamel Thompson
Weapon: Colt M1911A1
And here I almost forgot there were any guys on this team. I'll be honest, I like this guy. He's got the mindset for team play, a damn good gun, the determination to carry him far and the body to outlast competition. Not much good in a fistfight, and he's got a messed up idea of how to use a gun, but hopefully he'll find time to work past those issues. What I'm really concerned about is his naive mindset; while trust's a bit more important in this round than in, say, mine, I'm worried he might be talked into letting enemies go or trusting the wrong people. Then there's one of the kids with the biggest potential gone.
Pros: Excellent weapon, I mean that gun's been goin' over a hundred years and it's still better than some modern gear. Physical fitness never hurt in SOTF, nor did the kind of determination this kid's got; loyalty has got people killed before, but not this time. This time it's a good thing.
Cons: Physically fit or not, the kid's a crappy fighter with his fists or a gun. Hope he'll improve. As I said, his biggest Achilles' Heel is his naive attitude. I'd stamp that out if I were the mentor... which I'm not. Shit.

Daniel Renard
Weapon: GPS
Sweet! The GPS is always a damn nice pick, though a bit less useful when you've got allies to deal with. After all, it doesn't exactly tell you if the blip approaching is friend or foe, does it? He's smart and fast, but not much to look at physically. It's good he can keep a good attitude, but what good's that gonna do you if you can't fight your way out of a bad situation? There's no middle ground about this kid; either he'll get far as team support and a scout, or he'll crash and burn. I hope it's the former, really; that kind of thing'd be vital for a team scout if they learn to use it right.
Pros: He's got "street smarts" as the profile calls it, and the GPS is always a vital advantage. Not a game-winner on its own, but a huge leg up. Being good at running and hiding doesn't sound fun, but half the fight is getting away from trouble, trust me. Know when to fold 'em and all that, and this guy will focus on speed and stealth if he's smart. Which he is, apparently. Another one with the right mindset for the game, too.
Cons: Weak and unhealthy, he's not gonna stand a chance in a standup fight, especially as he's pretty much unarmed as far as offensive weaponry goes. He'll have to either scrounge something up or rely on the team for protection. If he picks the wrong time to be cocky, it'll either alienate people or earn him a bullet for his trouble, then there goes a potential asset for the whole group.

Mikaela Warner
Weapon: Shuriken x4
Now there's a useless weapon unless you've been trained to use it, but that's not this one's speciality in the team anyway. Looks like we've got a full-blown aspiring doctor instead of just another hottie, and if she finds something better to defend herself with or her team keeps her covered, they'll find themselves the only one with an actual medic around. Honestly this one was probably luck, but see what I said earlier about having a pretty face, nice tits and a lot of reason to live? She's got the whole package there, and it might be part of what makes the difference. Eye candy for the people at home, loyalty and medical skill for her allies, especially since she's in shape, too. Still, hope she's got a good bra; in shape or no, running around the island with a pair of E-cups bouncing around would be - heh! - murder. ...Why do I see Mikaela/Marvia fics somewhere down the line, though?
Pros: High intelligence should be to the team's benefit, along with her physical fitness and medical knowledge. With so much to live for, I don't see her being the type to let something like SOTF-TV stop her, and I'll keep saying this until people get it: at least half the game is mental, not physical, strength. Knowledge, determination, wits, the very attitude you carry yourself. If you're not afraid to run when the time calls for it, that can come in handy too. The drive to see things through and the knowledge to help her teammates should make her a good member.
Cons: Another one with no fighting ability, and she's not got a lot of upper-body strength. Her weapon is, bluntly, kinda useless; I've tried throwing knife stuff before, and half the time the goddamn things don't even go where you want 'em to. Or don't hit blade-first. She's not gonna do a lot of good when the bullets are flying, and I can see that trusting nature coming back to bite her. It always happens at least once in this game. Speaking of games, looks like we've got one that doesn't watch! A lack of genre-savvy is never good, but this time it might be the death of her.

Overall
I've said a good bit about Red Team, but they could really go either way. If they actually stick together and learn to work as one, I could see them getting far or maybe even taking this, but at the same time there's a good chance of it all crashing down. Life is never predictable, not even in SOTF-TV, and while all the pieces are there for this team to do well, the question's if they'll utilise 'em at all. I'll be keeping an eye out, either way.

Orange Team Analysis by TheThingInYellow

Greetings, fellow fans and analysis aficionados. Today, I bring you a rundown of one of the more minor teams of the season. Orange Team has been fairly well written off by most major commentators. While, on the surface, this seems more than fair, I will endeavor to show you all why Orange Team actually has potential, if not to carry the game, at least to make it far and make a major impact upon the game.

The Mentor: Dr. Millard Smith

At first glance, one would have to question the logic behind putting a teacher from Silver Dragon Academy in charge of a team containing only a single student from that school. The answer, though, is fairly simple: It is a deliberate slight against Dr. Smith on the part of the producers. Most of the mentors seem to be fairly useless, and Dr. Smith is no exception at the surface level, but a closer look reveals one notable trait lacked by most of the others: motivation. Dr. Smith has been dealt a terrible hand, all claims of randomness aside. His team is specifically contrary to his goals. Unless this man is a genuine saint, he is going to be furious, and what better way to turn his luck around than to cruise through to a surprise win?

Of course, he is undeniably lacking in skill. He is a smart man, though, so I suspect he will be able to learn as he goes. As long as his team lasts a day or two without serious losses, he has great potential as a late bloomer. That aside, the effects of mentors are likely to be fairly negligible, since they are a gimmick, and not the main attraction.

ORA1: Vincent Sullivan
Weapon: Digital Camera

Mr. Sullivan is an interesting case because, like his team’s mentor, he shows signs of being a late bloomer. He is likely to have extreme difficulties in the early stages of the game, especially with a non-offensive weapon draw, but if he can overcome this and make clever use of what he has been dealt (hint: pictures can be used as evidence. Even a novice manipulator can make something of that), he stands a good chance of really coming into his own.

His anger issues will likely cause problems for his entire team, but they should not be insurmountable. Having a set group of allies will in large part mitigate his disadvantages, and provide him with a set of lackeys he can easily bully into submission, if need be. If a pecking order can be established, and Mr. Sullivan can learn his place, he make take Orange Team somewhere.

ORA2: Brennan O’Brian
Weapon: Bottle of LSD labeled "Water Purification Tablets"

In Mr. O’Brian we have the weak link of the Orange Team, not due to any innate uselessness, but rather to a spectacularly poor weapon pull. In fact, the very intelligence that could have worked well for his team may be turned around on them, as he helpfully persuades his allies of the dangers of drinking contaminated water and hands out his tablets to insure that they do not contract intestinal parasites or something equally inane. There is always the chance of a particularly amusing meltdown, or a hallucination-induced blood rage, but it strikes me as less likely than the team wandering around, staring at their hands before being picked off by a competent player.

However, should Mr. O’Brian somehow avoid this trap, he could be the brains of the operation. He is unlikely to reach for the tablets until the initial water supply runs out, by which point he may have been killed and his possessions stolen by another team. Ideally, this would occur after he imparted some form of strategy and game plan to his allies. A fear of water will be unfortunate given the playing field, but not insurmountable, and it may even keep him from using those tablets.

ORA3: Ferric Tam
Weapon: KA-BAR Combat Knife

Mr. Tam is a good contestant through and through, but the obvious favoritism he is receiving from the mentor of his team may turn his other allies against him in remarkably short order. I believe he will function best as a scout or independent operator for the group, but should not serve as a leader. He will certainly have to kick his air of superiority if he hopes to live long, but that is a given.

There is a chance that an early death for him would actually spur Dr. Smith into greater competence and activity, now that I think about it. Mr. Tam may be the first out on his team, and, if it pushes the right button for their mentor, this may actually be a good thing.

ORA4: Tiffany Dexter
Weapon: Colt Anaconda .45 Magnum

Ms. Dexter is interesting, as she occupies much the same social niche as Mr. Tam does. If there is anyone in this group he will be able to tolerate, it will be her. She will have to overcome his distrustful nature with regards to her teammates, but, if she succeeds at that, she may well lead them to victory. She has incredible potential, especially when compared to the other contestants this season, and she has a good weapon draw to back it up. Barring a terrible mishap or poor early-game judgment, I suspect she will be around for quite some time.

She may not click particularly well with her teammates, aside from Mr. Tam, but, really, she does not have to. She can function as an independent operator until it comes down to the wire, and the team will do just fine.

ORA5: Katherine Clements
Weapon: Swordcane

Creativity is one of the greatest assets a contestant can have, and, combined with a deceptive weapon, Ms. Clements has the potential to be a force to be reckoned with. Optimism is only a problem when it cannot be backed up, and it can be quite a boon in tough times. Ms. Clements may end up the heart and soul of her team, serving as the glue to hold it together.

Her physical weakness and her lack of experience with violence will either sink her right at the start or quickly be overcome. These are not weaknesses that will have too negative an impact in the long term, once more showing the late-game potential of this team. Her issues with rest might have been crippling in past seasons, but, with the team dynamic, can be easily overcome.

Overall

In short, I believe that Orange Team, should it survive the early stages of the game, will become a force to be reckoned with. While there may not be much compatibility when it comes to personality, there does not have to be; survival is an amazing motivator. The team has only a few serious liabilities, and if they are neutralized, the team will be able to shine.

Gold Team Analysis by Ajax-Kun

Hello once more, readers! It’s the ever excitable Ajax-Kun here, trying to make up for my lack of quality with quantity!

So, what wonderful team am I going to be looking over? Well, I’m going to be looking at a golden opportunity for many exciting moments, and I’d like to give a gold star to whoever put this team together!

Yup, I’ll be taking a look at the Gold Team!

The Mentor;

The mentor for this team, is the “Gambler”, Drake Fortune. The few of you, who (Like me) decided to put a few bob down on the outcome of SOTF, that name might sound a little familiar. That’s because this guy pretty much made his livelihood off of a few lucky guesses, good judgement, and a healthy dose of charisma!

This guy even ran his own bookies at some point, so he obviously has decent organisational skills, which are going to be needed, given the rather… complex, shall we say, nature of the team..

On the upside, he is probably the only person on this team that isn’t going to be shipped to high hell! Unless someone decides that strip poker between the mentors is a great idea.

Crap, I just gave the fangirls ideas again, didn’t I?

In conclusion, he is, like so many other mentors, a joke. I cant see him actually helping, unless they let him be their eye in the sky. He’ll be too busy placing bets on the market to put his organisational skills to use, anyways.

The Team;

Mae St. Clair.

TL;DR: A Manipulative Ice queen, with a love for ballet, and not much else

Mae is, from what was written in the bio, a very cold, but very attractive person. Her dependence on her parents seems all consuming, and her ability to wrap people around her little finger (Read; manipulate) is almost omniscent! (Hey Sonya/Crawford, remind you of anyone?)

She has all the hallmarks of a smart player, and she is probably one of the fittest members of this round of SOTF so far. Her looks don’t do it for me, but judging by the Promo Material episode “Rescue Mission”, she does it for the vast majority of SDA.

Speaking of “Rescue Mission”, this girl is at the centre of what looks to be one of the most entertaining love triangles I’ve seen so far! This bodes even better for the girl, as she has two guys, who are likely to think with their dicks and get themselves killed for her. One of them isn’t even on the team!
I’m seeing a new face of Defrosting the Ice-Queen/Dom! Fics here, and definitely some Possession Sue fics. Hell, I wouldn’t rule the first two happening ingame, especially given her team-mates!

Expect to see her and her Katana in Endgame. The only question, is how much blood will she have on her hands by the end of it?

Todd Hudson.

TL;DR: A spoiled brat with stupid hair.

The first thing you notice when you see Mr. Hudson, is his ridiculous hairstyle. I mean seriously, if you extracted the petroleum in the gel from that, he could win by virtue of being able to essentialy coat the place in napalm!

He, as with many of the students of SDA, have probably never had to cook, let alone survive in the wild, so that tent might be of some help. To whoever kills him.

I expect to see him die in a horrible, horrible fashion, very, very early!

He is going to be in quite a few break the haughty fics, but there’s really no eye candy value to him, its all in the dickish personality.

Ali White.

TL;DR: Luna Lovegod, but an ex-ganger with a shotgun.

First of all, I gotta say that I love this girl! Seriously, she has got to be one of the most well picked students so far! She has a very airy, yet optimistic look on life, and manages to be an extrovert with what seems to be unlimited energy!

Her Otherkin-ish outlook on life is amazing, and I expect to see some fanworks of her with pointy ears and wings (And nothing else) very soon. If she can get some LSD (They /always/ put LSD in as a joke weapon), maybe she’ll try and jump off a cliff, screaming “I CAN FLY!” or something.

On second thoughts, keep that bitch away from the LSD, she’ll be a bigger bundle of fun without it. I’d prefer to see her snap and start blowing people away with a happy smile anyway.

Her body and style of dress aren’t major selling points here, but she’s not gonna be fanservicey, I just don’t see it in her.

Sorry piercing fetishists.

I can’t picture her in endgame, but she’ll be one of the few who are genuinely likely to snap and make a big bloody mess, so I’ll be keeping an eye on her Fae ass.

Shawn Morrison.

TL;DR: A Sexy hipster.

This guy is so awesome. Seriously, he rounds out the general level of crazy awesome that just runs through the group! He wears hippie clothes, smokes pot, and is just a really nice guy!

He is also, undeniably hot! I mean, he is Bang-able in the extreme! That might just be my love of retro guys, but hey, let me know what y’all think!

If I’m honest, his draw is sub-par, but even if he got a Razorwire Shotgun, he’d still be a crap player.

Why? I hear you ask. Well, he might be strong, but he is definitely not the kind of guy we see behind the gun. Even more so as veggie.

His desire to do the right thing (As shown, in an example that gives me hope for humanity, in “Rescue Mission”) will get him killed though, which sucks. I just hope he and his rescuee Mae provide us with some good fanservice along the way!

John Benson.

TL;DR: “One of us” with 1337 archery skillz

Traditionally they save the best ‘til last, but tonight gentleman, and (as paxRomana assures me) lesbians, something different!

We have, here, an anime fan (I think that’s just jap cartoons with tentacle rape, but IDK) who spends most of his time sitting on his lazy arse.

Grade A in his subjects

Grade A cannon fodder

The only thing that might come in handy here, is his knowledge of archery. Oh, wait, we didn’t get the bows out this time round? Too bad. Maybe he’ll hack someone up with that Axe. If he could lift it.

Don’t get too attached, this guy is dead within the first day.

Also, completely disregard what I said about Fortune being the least shippable bloke here. That title belongs to Johnny boy. He’ll take residence in R34 and not much else.

Overall.

This team is going to be a good watch, with fanservice, players and drama galore. Book your tickets now!

Yellow Team Analysis by paxRomana

Yellow Team - An Objective Analysis

Not going to waste your time with a long foreword, but I just want to preface this with something of a caveat. You've probably already wondered "Who the hell is this paxRomana person?", and thus realised, yeah, I'm new around these parts. But I saw this new blog starting up and I thought why the hell not, good clean slate for a newfag to start on. Anyway, I am this paxRomana person, and here's an analysis of the Yellow Team from the most impartial perspective I can manage.

The Mentor - HOWARDS, Wilson

Obligatory sponsorship circlejerk, this time it's Verizon showing off how fantastically non-existent their signal is on the island, which is somehow relevant to how good it's meant to be elsewhere? I don't know. He's your archetypical middle-aged executive, probably plays golf every weekend and has 2.4 children. Not sure how much use he'll be to the team, on one hand he's got the organisation and discipline skills from climbing the corporate ladder, but on the other, he probably never bothered to watch the show before now and may or may not have been shoved into it at the last minute. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it, really.

Player One - THSANI, Skyler "Skye"

Unpronounceable surname aside, this one's got promise. Looks fit and healthy, has the sex appeal down for fangirl purposes, but looks a bit on the vain side as well, so that might prove a problem early on before he gets over himself and gets his hands dirty. Looking at his grades, he seems pretty booksmart too, so combined with the physical advantages, I wouldn't be surprised to see Skyler become the de-facto leader of Team Happyface. On the other hand, stress and alcoholism look like pretty big thorns in his side, so if he can't link up with his team and rely on them for support, he might just screw up on the first day and never have a chance to use all that potential. Hopefully not, he could go all the way, given half the chance.

Weapon: Composite Crossbow. Not a great draw, but it could be worse (like Leo's dildo), and the ammo might be re-usable, so that's always a plus. Could let him down with the reload time, but for ease of use and quietness, it might prove surprisingly dangerous.

Player Two - JONES, Odile

From unpronounceable surname to entirely random forename, we have another promising contestant. Main advantages seem to rest on her figure, creeping people the fuck out makes for a good kind of psychological warfare, and the weird double-jointed thing's got to come in handy in a scuffle. Aside from that, she knows how to work a crowd and bear physical discomfort, so manipulation and pain-resisting opportunities abound. Only real downside is, of course, a scared kid's gonna see Spider-Woman here and probably freak out and open fire. Hard to say how she'll do, but most definitely one to watch, if only for weird theatricality.

Weapon: Roll of Duct-Tape. Could have it's uses, but dubious at best. Odile's going to need to pick up something better double-quick, or she's buggered in the long run.

Player Three - RICE, Sidney

One of the two SDA kids on the team, Sidney's looking like a major weak link. Small and unathletic, the latter because she's asthmatic, so we can put a big X in the physically overpowering anybody box. And if previous seasons are anything to go by, even if she can scheme her way to the endgame, there's never any talking your way past the finale. It's almost always a brawl. Then again, if she survives with the rest of her team intact too, there might just be hope. Speaking of teams, she seems like the cunning sort, and whilst that might sound great, she's also a major griefer, and probably won't play nice with the rest of Team Yellow, and if she does, falling in line behind any leader that isn't herself seems unlikely.

Weapon: Jericho .941. Very decent draw on this one, the kids with "standard" handguns always seem to go far. Just a matter of putting a bullet in someone with a bigger gun that isn't paying attention, and you're on your way to a small arsenal - a potential godsend for her worse-armed teammates.

Player Four - WALKER, Marcus

What can I say? He's tall and well built without being too bulky, he's got sleight of hand and attention to detail, and thanks to sports he's fit to boot. Normally I'd say major contender, but all of that just makes him a major target, too. While Skye is dangerous but doesn't look it, Marcus here's surname might as well be Fenix, for the air of "I'll fuck you up" he's going to exude in-game. Worse still? He's got anger management issues. Someone's going to point out all of the above, he'll snap and start a fight he won't win, calling it. Aside from this, looks like pretty standard dumb muscle for the team; not a great leader, but he doesn't need to be, and easily lead, which might come in handy as an example to Sidney if she acts up.

Weapon: Airzooka. While Odile's gaffa tape might have some non-combat applications, this just looks like distraction material, nothing more. Not that distractions haven't come in handy in the past, and a good bait-and-switch plan could catch the overconfident ones out.

Player Five - LANGSTON, Jacob

The second SDA kid on the team, Jacob's quite the opposite of his peer. He's tall and lean, fit from swimming and has that wonderful unthreatening look to him, which is almost guaranteed to have a use at some point. Good contestant for fangirl-favourite against Skyler, too, what with the grungy "I don't give a fuck" look and the blond-hair-blue-eyes thing he has going on. Mind-wise, he might run into some problems with the haemophobia, not to mention the implied pacifism, but if he snaps he could be at least a decent dark-horse player. Might have problems if he gets an infection, too, but most players that get injured that badly end up dead for other reasons anyway.

Weapon: Sig Sauer P226. Another good pistol for the team, and apparently in good hands, if knowing one's way around a rifle translates well to other firearms. Same conclusions as with Sidney, really.

Overall Conclusion:
Strong team, two really good weapons, one potentially-amazing but otherwise decent one, and two not particularly great. Only one weak link amongst the students themselves, but not cripplingly so. Mentor's a bit of a wild card, probably won't be nearly as good as some of the others (read, Jared/Marvin/That Soldier), but might turn out okay.
Definitely worth watching, one of the more likely teams to not only go far, but go far with all five of them intact. An endgame with this lot would be a treat.

Black Team Analysis by MidnightQ

BEGIN TRANSMISSION:

Greetings readers,

It has come to my attention that the much-awaited event is upon us. That event, of course, is the next season of SOTF-TV. For the uneducated among you, I am MidnightQ. Those who know me from my solo writing projects, feel free to stir up discussion on how I’ve ‘abased myself concerning the interests of the lowest common denominator yet again’. Those of you of who do not, know that I am as much of an avid fan of SOTF as the rest of you. Comrdade_Snowball has asked me to offer my insight on the new players, and I have accepted the offer. Now then, I do believe it is time to bring a bit more intellectual criticism to the current season.

I have in my possession a leaked copy of the team roster. Yes, the ‘secret surprise’ is the formation of teams. This far into the lifetime of the game, I should have expected no less. In particular, I have a copy of the Black Team roster. Black Team’s insignia is a white skull. I find this rather amusing. A symbol surely meant to inspire fear into the hearts of their enemies will instead end up as a symbol for their inevitable end. Black Team does not consist of winners. Of that you can all be sure. However, this does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of victory. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by such types of contestants before. I do hope that the members of Black Team do not disappoint.

On to the analysis.

THE MENTOR

I must say I find it hilariously cruel that none other than Pete Finch himself will be mentoring the team. I’m sure you all remember Mr. Finch. The many little jabs taken at him all over the Internet, including this very site, surely indicate such. Well, it seems he’s been given a chance to redeem himself after his incredibly inept blunder back when SOTF was first proposed. The more than superficially interested fans of the show may recall that he was initially propositioned to host it. Of course, he turned it down. Honestly sometimes I do wonder how it would have turned out with him at the forefront. Would it have been the SOTF we all know and love? Or would it have an unrecognizable failure of the worst sort that would have been cancelled and dropped quicker than Mr. Finch’s other ventures back into the world of TV? I’m inclined to think the latter.

Regardless of his personal performance, the matter at hand is whether or not he’ll be any good for the team. I have a definitive answer for that. The answer is no. I made it quite clear that Black Team isn’t made to win, and this choice of a mentor only cements that fact. What good can Mr. Finch possibly bring to the team? Nothing, that is what he brings. He has nothing useful to offer concerning the survival of the members, the strategy of the game, or the leadership skills to guide them to victory as unlikely as that is for them. In summation: he is quite possibly the worst mentor possible to be assigned to the team. This may seem a harsh conclusion. I assure you, the game will be harsher. And this setup will not help.

THE STUDENTS

BLK1: Bob Lazenby

Bob seems to be an average boy. He is of average height, is slightly out-of-shape, and is not particularly attractive. But on average, a contestant’s body type has very little effect on how well they play the game. That depends mostly on the contestant’s mental fortitude. Mr. Lazenby has been assigned a Laser Pointer. Another ‘joke’ weapon, which I am inclined to believe thanks to the frequency that they are assigned to ‘hopeless loser’ candidates, means the producers themselves have no illusions of what’s going to happen to poor Bob. (Hopeless loser being the words of a highly respected fan blog, not mine. You know the one.) So, the weapon given to him will certainly not help his mental state. My prediction for him is as follows: he will die early; most likely one of, if not the first to die. A sad outcome for Bob, an inevitably of life for everyone else, and a convincing argument that there is no meaning to life.

For what meaning does this cold existence have when a child who has no outstanding qualities whatsoever is thrown into a gladiatorial death match for the amusement of his peers, all of them knowing full well he will never make it? It is almost enough to make me cry. Well, actually that was a lie but I want to feel sorry for the poor boy.

BLK2: Natalie ‘Nate’ Chauncey

I’ll be honest. When I glanced at the photo attached to the roster I assumed that ‘Nate’ was a boy. It was nothing more than a cursory glance, but it was enough to make that assumption. Natalie, if you should somehow ever get to read this… I apologize. Anyway, Miss Chauncey is one of those girls that do not seem to understand that thinness does not equate beauty. Oh Miss Chauncey, if only it took root in your mind that the attempts of a consumerist society to redefine beauty into a narrow set of parameters need not apply to you, or any woman for that matter. Though, this advice applies only to your body. Your sense of fashion… well in the words of those more experienced in those matters than I, it ‘needs some work’. Miss Chauncey has been assigned, a Dragunov. An interesting choice, to say the least. It’s becoming more apparent that the producers of the show simply hand off weapon assignments to the interns. If those interns were humans rather than the shrieking monkeys I assume the studio keeps, perhaps situations like this would not happen. My prediction for her is as follows: she is not only physically incapable of using that gun but she is also mentally incapable. Expect her to be nothing more than a burden to her team, assuming she doesn’t take the easy way out.

Another harsh assessment, but not as harsh as the game is going to be. Miss Chauncey, I wish you the best of luck I really do. But I have no illusions of your ability to make it. The game will go to those capable of performing the actions required to make it to the end. Frankly my dear, you simply do not have the capability. Nevertheless, I’ll be rooting for you.

BLK3: Holly Herchenroder

Question for you. What’s more of a mouthful than that name? The answer is, of course, the amount of alcohol one would have to consume to become inebriated enough to believe that this team stands a chance. ‘Why the harsh conclusion already, MidnightQ? You haven’t even talked about Holly yet!’ That is correct reader. And it is unfair. So I’ll talk a little bit about Miss Herchenroder. (God I can feel my jaw breaking already. Let’s call her Holly shall we? Good? Great.) Holly may not be physically imposing, and honestly how many people on this team are… seriously, but mentally she has to be more than up to the task… right? Other than the pot-smoking habit, which I don’t approve of, I can find little fault with her. So why am I so harsh on her. Well it’s not her I’m being harsh on. It’s the rest of her team. Honestly Holly might be the one person who could make it here, especially with those fragmentation grenades she got assigned. It would be even better if she could take useless Nate’s Dragunov. But too bad for Holly, she got stuck in quite possibly the worst team I’ve ever seen. My prediction for her is as follows: the others on her team will drag her down to death. Plain and simple. Sorry love.

Is that not always the case? Are not the true geniuses and excellent people among the populace always dragged down by those not at their level? I am not exactly sure that Holly belongs to the former category, but among her peers on Black Team she may as well be. Holly, I do feel bad for you. I’d love to just take you in my arms and rescue you from the terrible situation you’ll find yourself in. But I can’t because you’re on your way to the Reaper already. Death is inevitability. It will claim us all… but I sure hope it forgets you.

BLK 4: Harold Finston Smythe

Blue. Blue, more blue, and more goddamn blue. I apologize for the cursing but my god is there a reason for this dull and offensive-to-my-eyes color scheme? Aside from the color monotony, Mr. Smythe is physically unattractive as well. But what does that matter? According to his profile here on my desk, he is a gamer and an anime fan. Oh perfect, the two skills that are sure to be more useful than any others on the show. While I am glad that Harold is ‘one of us’ as I’ve heard so many times, the fact of the matter is that the skills gained from playing games and watching cartoons will not help him. (Even if those cartoons come from Japan and are most definitely not of the good-for-young-children kind.) Still, if the older generation is to be believed, perhaps the social and psychological disconnect from the real world all gamers have will help him. And if not, then perhaps his 1927 Thompson A1 MS1B Machine Gun will. (Nice choice monkey interns.) Still, I don’t have my hopes up for him, even with that weapon. My prediction for him is as follows: that gun will pass to someone with the ability to actually use it. He’ll try to be useful, only to fail. I hope that gun passes to Holly.

May I have a word with you, Mr. Smythe? There are more colors out there than blue. But perhaps blue has some sort of special connection to you. Maybe it’s indicative of your sub-conscious awareness of the bleakness of your life. Maybe you’ve somehow tapped into the collective unconscious and emerged enlightened as to your ultimate destiny. Or maybe you just like the color. I can’t speculate on that.

BLK5: Panya Bishara

Panya can I just say that I love you? You are just so lovely that I find myself imagining all sorts of scenarios we could have acted out had you not been selected for the show. Such a waste of beauty, at least she’ll live on in the photos and images she will leave behind. That, and plenty of work-unsafe fiction that will inevitably rise up. (Somehow I have the feeling she’s already appeared in some. I’ll have to investigate.) The one issue I have is this: beauty isn’t anything in this game. Look at the previous seasons Miss Bishara. The gorgeous girls like you think they can just use those looks to their advantage and twist everyone attracted to them around their fingers. It doesn’t work like that. Pretty quickly into the game, you’ll find that if someone wants you for you body… there’s not much stopping them from taking you. Aside from your Firestar M43 that is. Hope you don’t run out of ammo fending off the sexually depraved. My prediction for her is as follows: that charm that she seems to be quite proud of will prove useless within a day. Maybe less. She’ll have to rely on cunning, and will have to use that gun mercilessly if she wants to survive.

Egyptian rose. Flowery language like that is probably nothing new to her. That I’m positive of. But, my little rose, the place you’re going to be in is full of all manner of beasts intent on tarnishing your beauty and leaving you broken. My advice is to grow out those thorns and throw away any ridiculous notions you may have about using that beauty to get ahead. That has never happened as planned and will never happen as planned. Use your head, not your body. Then you’ll go far.

OVERALL ASSESMENT

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. This team isn’t made of winners. Whether they are just physically incapable of doing what needs to be done, mentally unfit to handle the consequences and ramifications of their actions if they do perform what is needed, or just plain not suited to the task set before them there is just no running around the cold facts. And the facts are despite their generally well-armed status, they cannot and will not win. And certainly not with the idiotic choice of a mentor; Mr. Finch had his chance back before Season 1, he has no reason to be here now.

Despite the foregone conclusion, I will say that they will certainly be enjoyable to watch. I know I’ll be keeping a close watch on them. I certainly hope you will as well reader. Feel free to discuss my analysis in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinions. For it’s only opinions that sink deep into our minds, take root, and blossom into our choices.

END TRANMISSION

White Team Analysis by SickKitty

Right, bitches, I’m SickKitty and it’s that time of the year again- SOTF-TV is about to start it’s latest season, and lets be honest, who isn’t pumped? And, like every season, I’m here to bring you guys the truth about TV, or at least as much as I’m willing to share. Of course, the show hasn’t started yet, but no worries, because there’s always good news to keep flowing. Like this whole team business, for one. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am pumped about the team dynamic. I mean, most of the contestants end up in teams anyway, right? And this way, there’s more people stuck to people who they hate, and there is nothing better than watching two people who can’t stand each other being forced to work together! (That’s why MadMax and I still talk, right?)

But let’s get right now down to the nitty gritty, because we aren’t here for this small talk bullshit. No, you’re here to learn about the deets that I know, and have I got a big juicy team for you. That’s right, it’s the White Team, or as I like to call them Team Racist! Why? Because every single member of this team is a white kid from Texas! I mean, seriously producers, you didn’t think I’d catch that? You mix an inner city school with a rich white kid school, and somehow all the rich white kids end up on one team? I smell political incorrectness!

Not that I really give a shit. Hey, be as politically incorrect as you want, it’s never stopped me before, right boys?

But anyways, onto the deets about Team Racist.

The Mentor: Team Racist has been saddled with 28 year old Rose Wolfe, that fantasy writer who wrote those books where the kids on TV where, like, elves and fairies or some shit? Yeah, I dunno what’s going on in this bitch’s head, but on the upside she’s young, she’s pretty, and she’s dramatic, which might mean that she’s gonna try and wedge her team up as much as possible. I’m hoping she tries to throw as many plot twists at her little racist tribe as humanly possible, because otherwise this bitch is gonna be bor-ing.

W01- Timothy Marcus Walker, Jr. Oh god this kid even has a rich white boy NAME. I already like him. Right, this kid’s money comes from his gambling-addicted parents, so maybe he inherited his parents luck. Not that I really care though, because this kid is ugly as a fat lady in hot pink leggings and a tight t-shirt. I mean, long dark hair, pale skin, creepy fingernails, hat hair, sunglasses? I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a member of some fucking scary ass cult. Although I guess he’s good at, like, reading people or some shit, so maybe he won’t freak out his team that much? But hey, he’s a smooth talking gambler who looks like a Manson, so maybe he’ll be interesting enough to keep Team Racist spicy. Weapon- CZ 75. Not the most amusing weapon, but at least it’s useful, I guess. Team Position: The Risk Taker.

W02- Renee Carlson. Wooh-ee, looks like we gots ourselves a very lovely lady. Lucky for Miss Renee, I’m a fan of the oversized nose, and I do have a thing for blues eyes. Renee might very well make up for the atrocity that is our Freak-of-Nature. Now if only I could get her in some heels, oh! And she’s smart too, this girl just may be my dream! If you win Renee, come swing by my place, I’ll show you what you’re missing out on! (With the heels. Get your heads out of the gutter, now! ) She may not be popular among the socialites, but she’s nice to the underdogs and outcasts, and that could get her pretty far. Not to mention her leadership abilities- from the looks of it, Team Racist might have a leg up due to this girl. Not many teams have born leaders, and I sense some infighting amongst the others! Renee could go far, farther than Manson boy for sure. Weapon- Straight Razor. She’ll go far, that is, if she steals Manson boy’s weapon. Baby ain’t getting anywhere with a straight razor. Although she can keep her legs wonderfully smooth if someone got assigned soap. Team Position: Leading Lady.

W03- Kevin Fielding. Oh god a muscle man. Ugh, way to ruin my buzz from that gorgeous French girl Mr. Stocky. Come on producers, I like skinny boys! And girls! And not linebackers! This kid could stand at the door to a club for God’s sake. Oh well, maybe we can get a few shots of his triceps. I do love me some triceps. Show me anything that isn’t his face. Or his...big-boned body. Actually, just show me Renee again, I can’t deal with this boy. On the upside, muscular strength is kinda what Team Racist needs. He also has brains, but I think Renee is a better leader, because, to be frank, I wouldn’t want a bouncer leading the blind, if you know what I mean. Weapon- Night Vision Goggles (5 Hour Battery). Useful to a point, but that’s not the best battery life, and I wouldn’t want to lean on those as a crutch. Team Position: Muscle Man.

W04- Leopold Sutherland. Ohhhh, a blonde, stoner-looking hipster. Why hello there Leo. How are you doing? Oh, and he’s old money too, send him to me I want to take him home and make him my bitch! Unfortunately, he’s selfish, which could always bite him in the ass now that we’re in teams. But he’s fairly popular, so maybe it’ll all work itself out. Unless he annoys his team to the point of Timmy Manson cracking and blowing dear Leo’s face off. And now that we have leader Renee and Muscle Kevin, he doesn’t need to be physically in shape, but that does leave at least two members of white in the “kinda useless overall” category. Maybe he can put those wits of his to use, and if not that, then there’s always his looks, right? Weapon- Dildo. ...Leo, if you win, I am taking you and holding you hostage in my basement, kay? Maybe be a useless weapon, but DAMN will it be amusing to see his pretty face with that. Team Position: The Grouch.

W05- Mason Ross. Okay, now this is what I’m talking about Kevin. Someone athletic who doesn’t look like a sack of meat. Long, lean, strong- this is a lady’s dream! And by a lady, I mean me, obviously. I am all that matters. Of course, he’s not exactly my type, but Renee and Leo should keep my eyes satisfied, so no points taken from you dear Mason. Basketball is not the most useful sport to have behind your belt in a game like this, but he seems to top off the whole dynamic for Team Racist. Everyone’s athletic, smartish, so on and so forth. Looks like his mouth might get him in trouble though, so the rest of his team better keep him in check. Weapon-Beretta 93-R. Oooooh, nice. That’s a lot of power, but I think Mason can handle it. Team Position: The Talker.

Overall Analysis: Team Racist is well equipped, well balanced, and they probably already have established relationships, which, barring everyone of them hating each other, makes them perfectly safe and boring. They also, with one major exception (Remember my offer Leo), got decent weapons. I mean, it’s not the greatest draw, but they aren’t disadvantaged either. Which is why I have to add in all my snarky commentary, because frankly, White Team will get it to the finals easy and be boring as hell doing it. *Yawn*

Pink Team Analysis by Comrade_Snowball

Hey, it’s Snowball here! We’re keeping busy leaking more info on the teams. As you can see, Ajax-Kun and MadMax are assisting me, but expect even more well known SotF Bloggers coming in soon, as well as some new blood!
Now I’ve decided to review one of the more eccentric and unpredictable teams this Season, the Pink Team. A lot of controversy when they were first announced, it’s an all male squad and some say they’ve been overpowered in the weapons department. You be the judge. Let’s take a look!

TEAM PINK PHOTO

Mentor: Mike Patterson
Now, right of the bat it looks like Pink Team is in trouble. Mentors this year have run the gamut from SotF Experts to Military Instructors, even a past winner (Much love to Jared!). Some of the mentors however have been on the weaker end, and Patterson seems to be one of, if not the, weakest mentor. From what limited info the Producers have given us, Patterson seems to be a completely average fan, winning his place in that contest the SotF Team were running last summer. With MARwin crunching stats and Jared with first hand knowledge of the game, Patterson is at a huge disadvantage. He’s got the tools to make a decent run, but Pink could easily turn into this seasons joke team.
- Anyone heard of the term “Deer in the Headlights?” Exactly what we’re looking at here.
- Patterson isn’t the smartest guy out there, but then again, he’s not totally stupid judging from the promo material. Still, he’s fighting an uphill battle.

Team Member 1: Anthony Rollins
Traits: Friendly, Naturally Observant, Smaller Kid
Weapon: Claymore
Anthony seems like a weak member for Team Pink. If he can keep his head straight he could make a good lookout or scout for the rest of the guys, but I’m betting he’ll be an early out. Why? Anna Higgins, Member of Team Blue. Promo material suggests these two were either in a direct relationship, or film making buddies. Producers, the sadistically amazing bastards they are, have split the buddies up. If Anthony is going to get out of here, it’s going to be without Anna, or in a body bag. My instincts tell me Anthony is going to take his huge ass weapon (That he can barely hold, by the looks of things) and go looking for his friend, only to be untimely gunned down. Patterson and the rest of Team Pink better find out where his allegiances lay quick. Even if he abandons his buddy-buddy, I’m just not feeling it here.

Team Member 2: Jonas Jeffries
Traits: Twitchy, Smoker, Clumsy, Cowardly, Whiny, Unprincipled, Small and Nervous
Weapon: MAC-10
Ohhhh man, this is an interesting one. Jonas is as good as doomed, mark my words. Interesting to note, like Anthony he also seems to have close ties with a fellow student, Panya Bishara, on Team Black. But I’m thinking Jonas will go in a bit of a different direction, judging from his cowardly nature. Jeffries seems like someone who wouldn’t think twice about abandoning his friend, if it means his continued existence. Not that he’ll last long. Anyone remember “Hoot” Hawkely, Season 3? Clumsy bastard fell on his own grenade. Jonas is going in the same direction, and the more competent members of his team better realize it fast. I expect quite a few classic moments coming from Jonas’ prior to his untimely demise. Only question I have, will it be from friendly fire?

Team Member 3: Glen Bole
Traits: Bully, Track star, Juvie Hall Delinquent, Cowardly Jerkass
Weapon: SPAS-12
Here we go! Glen is in my opinion, the natural leader of Pink Team. While Anthony is off looking for his friend and Jonas is busy blowing off his feet, Glen is going to take the fight to the enemy. Cowardly, yes, but he’s also strong and doesn’t seem to be afraid to pull any punches. Mark my words; he’ll be a player from the beginning. And with a Shotgun backing him up, how cowardly can he really be? If Patterson gets the group together, Glen is going to be his voice on the ground. Pink Team could end up winning the whole thing if Glen takes control and ups the brutality. Hell, if Rollins or Jeffries end up sticking close to Bole, they could last until the end after all! Top Five written all over him.

Team Member 4: Benjamin Grayson
Traits: Medic, Artist, Loner, Bookworm
Weapon: Full Set of Team Bandannas
A lot of variables with Benji here. He could serve his purpose, an ideal team medic giving his knowledge of first aid. But then again, the kid doesn’t have that much social skills, limiting his weapon usage. I can see him getting along with Anthony easy, but Glen? I’m not sure on this one... For their sake, let’s hope Benji takes orders well. He doesn’t have a weapon, but he could easily grab one from Jonas as soon as he snuffs it. If he can get those bandannas to his team, I can picture an early game massacre of epic proportions, perpetrated by Glen.

Team Member 5: Isaac King
Traits: Gun Training, Small Kid, Weak, Cautious
Weapon: IMI Desert Eagle
Isaac makes an ideal second in command, if Glen gets his ass in gear. He’s one of those few kids with gun training, rifles in this case. I expect him to be a top tier killer if Pink Team forms together. Not much else to say, but I can picture him making it to the end if he can hook up with his team.

OVERALL
Well, well, well. Pink Team certainly has a lot of options. Weak links are most definitely Jonas and Anthony, and I predict a messy demise for the entire team unless those two are dealt with or fall into line. Benji could hack it if he sticks close to Glen and Isaac. Personality wise, I can see Anthony clashing with Glen, with Glen coming out on top. Worth following Isaac, Glen and Jonas, entertainment wise. Isaac and Glen could go all the way if Patterson proves decent, and Jonas is bound to ruin /something/ before he dies. Benji looks to be a support character, and I predict Anthony will die before half.

Brown Team Analysis by The Super Genius MadMax

When Snowball started up this blog, it was obvious- to me at least- that eventually he’d have to call in the one true online expert on SotF TV. (No, I don’t mean that MarWIN guy. He lost all credibility when he sold out to the corporate whores and got put in as a mentor)

Until this season starts, I’ll be rating teams, individually and as a whole, on a scale of 0 to 5 stars for various factors. Then, when my check from the other blog clears, I’ll move my famed ROTC feature over to here, so that like the old blog, MadMax can once again carry you all to success.

So, the first team I chose is my new favourite for “easy out” this season, Team Turd! (Or, Brown Team if you’re being official-like):

Mentor: Aiko Yoshida

Brown Team’s mentor this season is some annoying, cheery punk reporter bitch, who wears more belts than a final fantasy character. No much more I can say here aside from that. She’s probably just there for eye-candy and fan-fiction shipping possibilities.

Usefulness to Team: * (1) – Seriously, how much good is a /reporter/ gonna do?
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Come on, they’re pandering to a demographic here.
Likeliness to go Crazy: ** (2) – Unless she already is.
Likeliness to get shipped: ***** (5) – I’m surprised there aren’t already like 40 fanfics out there.

BROWN 01: Nick Simmons

Grunge-looking alcoholic choir singer from Detroit. Apparently clumsy as, so I have no idea. Easy out written all over him, if Johnny from Season 7 was any indication.

Weapon: POWER DRILL *** (3)
School: Detroit Central High

Usefulness to Team: *** (3) – He’d rank higher if he could walk in a straight line
Eye-Candy Factor: -***** (MINUS 5) – Dude. No. Go take a shower.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (4) – Johnny from Season 7 all over again.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – God I hope not.

BROWN 02: April ~Elise~ Stone

Poor little rich bitch. Short, vegan hipster with a weak stomach and far too many records (Keep an eye out for the auction when she gets killed). Her brother Marcus owes me $5. No jokes. Probably going to run off with her biffles.

Weapon: Rubber Band Launching Pen ***** (5) – I want one.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Restaurant

Usefulness to Team: ** ½ (2 1/2) – She’ll probably get stepped on.
Eye-Candy Factor: ** ½ (2 ½) – Average at best. Loses points for wearing more layers than the average pass the parcel present
Likeliness to go Crazy: ***** (5) – More “oooh, pretty colors!” than “princess stabbity” with her weapon.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with Brenda Hernandez.

BROWN 03: Eloise Winterburn (What an Ice-burn of a name)

Vain bitch with an ironic interest in the “retro”. Probably a closet hipster. Scowl that could kill most animals and small children under the age of three. Also probably manipulating half of her team before she gets a rubber band in the eye and freaks.

Weapon: Sledgehammer *** (3) – If she can lift the thing without breaking a nail.
School: Detroit Central (Probably a typo, she belongs at SDCR)

Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – She’ll be too busy manipulating them
Eye-Candy Factor: **** (4) – Actually pretty hot when she’s not looking like a bulldog.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** ½ (4 ½) – Likely to freak out at her team when she finds out they’re too dumb to be manipulated.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – The new go to if you need a bitch to get beaten down in your fic. Calling it.

BROWN 04: Marion Clayton

Into “privacy”. Piano player which usually means “bitch” if Jessica/Marie/Cerise from seasons 8/9/10 were any example. Into music in general, so expect cheap plugs from her and April discussing music. Most likely on the team to die horribly.

Weapon: Nodachi * (1) – Bigger sword than Sephiroth’s.
School: Silver Dragon Chinese Take-Out

Usefulness to Team: ** (2) – Will insist on carrying her sword around, making her pretty useless.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** (3) – Though she needs to eat a sammich and not dress like she’s permanently at a dinner date.
Likeliness to go Crazy: **** (3) – The quiet reserved types always do.
Likeliness to get shipped: ** (2) – Just not feeling it. She’s gonna get a few and then fizzle out like Joel from Season 6.

BROWN 05: Brenda Hernandez

Mexican kickboxer. Could only be more of a stereotype if she wore a sombrero and ate nachos. Betting she’s getting deported if she wins. Still probably the only competent member of the team, and probably the new face of SotF-TV H/C fics. Roman catholic, too. Got the best weapon of the version.

Weapon: NERF GUN. ***** (5) – Suh-weet.
School: Detroit Central.

Usefulness to Team: **** (4) – No hablo ingles.
Eye-Candy Factor: *** ½ (3 ½) – Muscles don’t do it for me, but there’s /probably/ a market out there.
Likeliness to go Crazy: * (1) – Seems pretty level headed, actually.
Likeliness to get shipped: *** (3) – Most likely in H/C fics with EVERYONE.

OVERALL TEAM RATING: ** (2) – Pretty much boned.